No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

[Bookaholic73]

@MotheringShites it’s not that I mind them living here, it’s the bed time thing that’s an issue.
If they went upstairs and went to bed like expected, there wouldn’t be a problem.

[MotheringShites]

Their mother moved abroad and left them? Surely this has had a profound impact on them. Poor kids. You sound like a kind step-mum OP. I wonder if some professional help for the kids would be the way to go.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

At 11 and 9 you can’t really expect them to be in bed before you have dinner. Unless obviously you eat at 10.30. Especially on lockdown if they have nothing to get up for.

[Bookaholic73]

They normally see a counsellor through school, so that’s already in hand.

[MotheringShites]

I never meant to imply you minded them being there. From your updates it seems like you’ve got a much bigger situation than just kids playing up. I hope you find some solutions.

[GobbleGob]

9 & 11 is far too old to be pratting about for ages at bed time.

We usually have to shout up once to be quiet as they have bunks (similar ages). But after that nothing. We just wouldn't stand for it. They certainly wouldn't be falling asleep to their screens. Screens go off at X time and then it's bed at Y time.

Your DH needs to sort this for everyone's sake (including his DC).

[FliesandPies]

Their Mum has effectively dumped them so that could be contributing to the behaviour probs as well. Do 9 and 11 yr old go to bed at the same time? 11yr could stay up a bit later.

[aSofaNearYou]

Also, as a side note, there is absolutely no way I would ever agree to living with step children full time if I wasn't given full authority to set rules and manage behaviour to the same extent my husband did. Nobody should be expected to live with three children whilst having no say in disciplining them. It is your home.

[GobbleGob]

They normally see a counsellor through school, so that’s already in hand

Is there anything you can arrange virtually whilst we are in lockdown?

[Bookaholic73]

Bedtime isn’t 8pm, 8pm is when their screens go off.
They are free to read, play board games etc until 9pm. But instead, they spend that hour (and more) moaning.

[FliesandPies]

Sorry, just seen the update re counsellor

[Bookaholic73]

@GobbleGob their screens go off at 8pm. It’s when they lived with their mum that they were allowed by her to fall asleep to their screens.

[Devlesko]

You usually get some time together when they are teens. Then it's when they leave home.
It's normal family life, except the unsettled evenings.
It sounds like the kids have been through a lot and are probably missing their mum.
Your dh sounds like he's doing a fab job with them though.
For the foreseeable future the kids have to come first, their needs have to come before your wants.

[GobbleGob]

Are there any consequences for their behaviour? Mine would be going to be an hour earlier the next night every time they messed around/moaned about the 9pm rule. But maybe I'm just a cow.

I do think it's a more sensitive situation though with their mum leaving so I'd be inclined to push for some virtual form of counselling while this lockdown is ongoing if that's possible.

[GobbleGob]

And I agree with ASofa that you absolutely should be able to be involved in decision making when it comes to rules and discipline.

All children are treated the same in our house which means they listen to and do as they are told whether it's their parent or step parent who asked. We're not mean or unkind, but we are the adults in our home and so we do expect them to listen to both of us and have an input.

[aSofaNearYou]

Your dh sounds like he's doing a fab job with them though. For the foreseeable future the kids have to come first, their needs have to come before your wants.

I would say them getting out of bed after bedtime is no more a need than OPs need to have some private time with her husband, those things are quite similar in that they are both emotional desires that are not essential for survival, so are either both wants or both needs.

But other than that, in what way do they have to come first? To her husband, perhaps, though ideally he should be aiming to be tending to everybody's needs and finding a way of making it work for everyone, not just the kids. He has a wife who he married when this was not on the cards. But OP herself certainly doesn't have to be a martyr and put their needs before her own, I hate that kind of blanket statement.

[Devlesko]

I agree, all should be treated the same, obviously they have different needs, but it should be fair.
You do need to agree discipline with your partner, kids need clear boundaries and if you two aren't in agreement things won't improve.
You need to have as much say regarding parenting if you are expected to contribute.

[Techway]

How long ago did they move in? It could just be transition as a massive change for them.

3 children close in ages is a very different proposition to a only child so it will be tougher to parent and probadly needs long term strategies.

All you can do is be consistent with parenting, screens off, bath, perhaps read with younger ones. What is the room situation, are they all sharing?

It is bound to be a shock going from 1 to 4 children and you and your dh will have to operate as a team. It is unlikely you can get back to quiet time for a while as most teens do stay up later as hormones kick in.

Can you use time to go for a walk with your dh? Would your 17 year old be able to look after them for a short while. How is he coping with the change.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

why not just let them stay up a bit later? 8pm for 9 is ridiculously early for an 11 year old!

[FliesandPies]

9pm sounds late for a 9 yr old

[Devlesko]

aSofaNearYou?

Do you have children with an ex spouse who went abroad and left the kids?
If you wouldn't put them first that speaks volumes about your parenting.

[Candyfloss99]

They live with you. You are are their step mum. You should be enforcing new rules and how it is at your house. Don't leave allbthe parenting to their father if you don't think he's very good at it. I think for this to work you need to know you have control in your own house and can impose rules. You could all sit down together and discuss the rules and how bedtime could be better. Your DP also needs to make time for you or else what is the point of you being there? I'm sure you feel resentful having all this to deal with, it's very tough.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

For the foreseeable future the kids have to come first, their needs have to come before your wants.

Errm no. Am fed up of seeing this on parenting and step-parenting forums. I completely get that these kids have had their mother leave them, however that does not give them free reign to do whatever the hell they like. Your husband needs to help them to adjust to the new normal and instill some discipline. And FWIW I don't think he sounds like he's doing a fab job with them TBH - he's probably feeling guilt and is over- compensating by letting them run riot.

[GobbleGob]

I don't think 9pm is ridiculously early for an 11 year old

Admittedly we aren't being as rigid with bedtimes right now as there is no school but certainly when school was open, 9pm wouldn't be too early. Certainly no later than 9:30.

[krustykittens]

They may not be your kids, OP, but you are not in a normal step parent situation. Their mum has fucked off and left them, so you and your DH are all they have got and they are not moving between two households. It's perfectly reasonable for you to parent them alongside your DH and I think you both need to present a united front and have rules and a routine that they follow. I am sure your DH is trying to make them feel as loved as possible after what their mother has done but I don't think he will do them any favours in the long run and the two of you need some time together in the evenings to chat and unwind. Could you perhaps talk to the counsellor about getting some family therapy and maybe some help with a parenting strategy? If your DH is getting support and encouragement from outside the family, he may not feel so guilty if he thinks he is being too strict (if that is the case). It's a horrible situation for all of you and a lot to get used to, you are perfectly withing your rights to have a moan!