No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

[aSofaNearYou]

@Icanflyhigh my eyes have never rolled so hard. It's her husbands responsibility to parent them, she doesn't have to want to do that herself to be with him.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

@icanflyhigh that's not a helpful response. The OP did not sign up to having the kids there full time and is doing the best she can under difficult circumstances. Women like you mystify me.

[GoofyLuce]

@56Ahundredpercentthatbitch

So basically your saying that DH children shouldn't be coming first, the adults relationship should be coming first?

@Bookaholic73
This comment 'My 17 year old doesn’t like them being here' is completely irrelevant. They have as much right to be there as your 17 year old does!

[GrumpyHoonMain]

With all due respect parents with older kids often forget the day to day realities (and pains) of parenting younger ones. Plus your stepkids have had major upheavels in moving and not seeing their mum. While yes you can have a moan you absolutely can’t say they aren’t part of your family - they are. In a way even more than your older child is because they are just kids and you are the only maternal figure in their lives at the moment. If you can’t handle this and leave.

[Ahundredpercentthatbitch]

So basically your saying that DH children shouldn't be coming first, the adults relationship should be coming first?

No, I'm saying that the adults' relationship should be as much of a priority as the children. And in step families this is so often not the case.

The adults' relationship is the stitching that holds the fabric of the family together. If it's neglected and taken for granted, it won't survive. I don't understand why people don't recognise it's important.

[aSofaNearYou]

you absolutely can’t say they aren’t part of your family - they are. In a way even more than your older child is because they are just kids and you are the only maternal figure in their lives at the moment.

Wtf?

[GoofyLuce]

**The adults' relationship is the stitching that holds the fabric of the family together. If it's neglected and taken for granted, it won't survive. I don't understand why people don't recognise it's important.

That's exactly why I said they need to deal with it as a team rather than turn it into a step-mum vs step-children issue. If they care about each other then they'll see each other's point of view. OP wants her relationship back, DH wants to parent his children. They need to reach a compromise! But for now, as the children have been through a lot over the last few months, they come first until they're properly sorted and settled.

[Ahundredpercentthatbitch]

Depends how much longer you're prepared to give it OP.

I can see how this situation could drag on indefinitely and make you miserable if your DH won't put his foot down.

[Wallywobbles]

What are the consequences for getting out of bed and bugging the adults? I think this would be the simplest area to address. I'm a fan of family meetings to discuss that kind of bullshit where the kids work out an agreed consequence. Worth a try IME.

I'm a step-mum to 11&14 and have my own 14&15.

However DH has a different but effective solution. He would bore anyone to death who got up with a monumentally boring lecture which they'd be standing up for. They'd stop very quickly here.

[HollowTalk]

I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I'd just want to run off and be with my own son. If your SC don't accept your authority you're screwed, really. And now you have to turn them around after their mum let them do whatever they wanted.

[FliesandPies]

I get that they’ve had a massive upheaval (believe me, I totally understand that!) but at what point can people stop using it as an excuse for their behaviour?

Well, longer than 5 months I'd say.

[GobbleGob]

In a way even more than your older child is because they are just kids and you are the only maternal figure in their lives at the moment

Sorry what now??

No one is 'more family' than anyone else. What a fucking weird thing to say.

[GobbleGob]

Putting his kids first is making sure they have a stable home, routine, boundaries and discipline. Part of that is ensuring his relationship with OP is solid too so they can work together.

It's not a me vs them situation imo. Everything is interlinked. If OPs relationship with her husband deteriorates it will affect the children too, especially considering its the only home they have.

And I'd call saying 'im moving abroad, you can come with me or not' fucking off. If my kids weren't coming, I wouldn't be going!

[YappityYapYap]

It sounds more like your gripe is your DH's different parenting method to yours which to be honest, I would probably be moaning about too if my DH parented our DS differently to me.




You don't have to accept no free evenings to chat because your DH is chasing the kids back to bed all evening and no date nights as a way of life just because you have kids, of course you don't, step parent or not. Life is hard with 4 kids yes but you don't have to totally give up your life!





It sounds like you have more of a structured parenting method so if I were you, I'd chat with your DH, a proper chat with some home truths and try to get him on board with how you would do things and have done things with your own DS.




The kids will take time to adapt but you can get there and have something in between your old life and what life is like now, a happy medium if you will. It doesn't sound like you have an issue with the kids, more how they behave due to the parenting which you rightly say is your DH's fault and the kids mum's fault

[midwestsummer]

I totally agree that DH and OP need time to focus on their relationship particularly as it has undergone a massive change.
It may well just not be able to be the evening time currently if they are having to lean in to more active parenting duties then.
Maybe a different ritual, coffee in bed on a weekend morning for an hour, or a couple of hours during a weekend afternoon would work better for the moment?
Bedtimes are a transition time and a known pinch point for many dcs, not just ones who have undergone such big changes recently.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

I feel for you all, all your lives have changed massively. I know it's drastic but the only option, if I were you, would be to move out and live with your DH and SC part time. Obviously money would be a major factor.

[Bookaholic73]

@Icanflyhigh
Your response doesn’t even warrant an answer.

[Bookaholic73]

@GoofyLuce the comment about my 17 year old was in answer to a question I was asked about how he felt about the SC moving in.

[Bookaholic73]

@GoofyLuce why on Earth are they more a part of my family than my own 17 year old??
What a strange thing to say!

[MeridianB]

Op, do you know how long they were allowed to fall asleep at midnight in front of screens? If it was years then it may take longer to reverse it. I’d definitely start with sleep first as it makes a difference to everything else.

It feels like they have never had bedtime rituals and don’t know how to get to sleep.

YANBU - this sounds very hard, and you need a say.

[Bookaholic73]

Thanks @MeridianB
Years I think. At least 4 years, maybe longer.

When they came to stay with us prior to moving in, we rarely had this issue.
We do everything that’s been suggested to us; screens off, time together, a set bedtime routine etc. It’s made NO difference at all in the whole time they’ve been here.

[Mum2Girls19]

I quote "Plus, they aren’t my family (the kids) and going from 1 child to 4 children overnight was a huge shock."

Im quite disturbed by this comment, if my partner who isnt my kids dad said they werent his family, I would be gone.
Im sorry but you knew he had kids when you entered the relationship and yes it has changed slightly but hes got kids what did you expect, an adult relationship of all this "quality" time together, going out to eat, going on hoilday alone for the rest of your days and not kids involved?
Im sorry but he has kids you can do all those things as a family, go out for a meal and go on hoilday etc and enjoy time alone when there are times available which there will be.
If you really cannot deal with it move on, its not the children fault that this has happened and I would hate to think they weren't thought of as family.

[GoofyLuce]

@Bookaholic73

Where have I said that they're more of a part of your family thank your 17 year old?

[aSofaNearYou]

hes got kids what did you expect, an adult relationship of all this "quality" time together

Completely depends on the contact arrangement. My partner has his son EOW, I absolutely do expect quality time together, because a majority of the time, he isn't there. When you get into a relationship with a non resident parent you obviously expect to have time alone together. Your situation is different because you are the resident parent, any partner of yours would expect the kids to be there pretty much all the time.

Not to mention, many parents of their own children expect to have quality time together in the evenings. We are strict on bedtime in our house, but that applies to both my SS and our shared daughter. It is an important rule to us, in part because we value our evening quality time.

[funinthesun19]

you absolutely can’t say they aren’t part of your family - they are. In a way even more than your older child is because they are just kids and you are the only maternal figure in their lives at the moment.

I’ve read some shit on this website over the years regarding stepparenting, and this is one of the worst things I’ve ever read.