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Original poster

Should DSD be invited on annual summer holiday?

138 replies

TakeANote · 19/02/2020 08:55

DSD is upset that she has not been invited on our annual summer holiday, which will be me, my teen DDs and DH.

She is rather hard work at times and if it came to it, I’d rather just take my girls on my own without DH.

She is 22. Are we wrong to organise this without her? Or should we have separate holidays (me and my girls and DH and his dd?).

(I find it slightly difficult to understand as she is such an adult and I would never have wanted this at her age! But I appreciate she is not me!)

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Apolloanddaphne · 19/02/2020 08:57

Does she usually come with you? Who would be paying for her place. My DD2 is 22 and still likes to come on holiday with us if where we are going interests her and we agree to pay. This is getting rarer. Mostly she goes away with her friends and pays herself.

Rebellenny · 19/02/2020 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shinyshoes2 · 19/02/2020 09:01

How old are your children , who pays for them ? . If they're of similar age , all of them then to leave dsd out would be absolutely horrible , could you not find SOME of the money for her to go and ask her to pay the rest ... boot on the other foot and it was you that has the dsd and you saw this going on in the other family , how would that make you and your daughter feel

Gizlotsmum · 19/02/2020 09:02

Maybe she would have liked to have been asked. Is she getting a holiday this year? I know 22 is an adult but I still went on occasional family holidays at that age. How old is your oldest?

ineedaholidaynow · 19/02/2020 09:04

Has she been invited before?

TriangleBingoBongo · 19/02/2020 09:04

My parents wouldn’t have invited me. If I protested the response would have been “come if you want to” but I would have been expected to pay.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 19/02/2020 09:07

It’s really hard to comment without knowing your family dynamic and how hard work she actually is. Think about how you word it to dh as saying “I’d rather just go without you if your dd has to come too” would be pretty hurtful. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, just be careful with how you approach it.

PrayingandHoping · 19/02/2020 09:10

How old are your kids and what is your DSD circumstances? Does she work or is she at uni?

user1493413286 · 19/02/2020 09:12

Would she pay her way? I would have included her based on the expectation that she pays for herself; the problem may then solve itself. I wouldn’t have wanted to go on holiday with my parents at that age unless it was a free holiday and even then not sure I would have

userabcname · 19/02/2020 09:15

She's 22...I wouldn't have expected to be included on family holidays at that age. I did holiday with my family in my early 20s a couple of times but asked if I could join and paid for my share of flights and the hotel. I guess you could have asked her but I'm surprised she expected it, if that makes sense (unless your teens are 18 and 19 and you're treating them? In which case she's not much older and thinks she should be treated too?)

RancidOldHag · 19/02/2020 09:16

I invite adult DC along to family holidays, and they may or may not accept, depending on what their plans and preferences are at those times. But they are always welcome.

What jumped out at me is they you do not welcome your DSD. She'll have picked up on that. And it's a bit of a shit position for her.

Fiddling around with your holiday plans won't fix it

Tulipan · 19/02/2020 09:21

Does she get much quality time with her dad? (Obviously that's on him, not you, but if he is a bit shit and just spends his time on holiday with other people's kids, she might well feel pushed out)

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 09:24

She is at uni and will be for some time: we fund this (plus student loans) so she does not work.

My dds are 14 and 17. Tbf The 17 yo was a bit unsure about coming this year as she feels she’d rather be with friends. (And we do caravan by the sea type holidays!)

Dsd will have a few holidays and breaks with her DM plus abroad with friends.

Dsd is a nice girl but needs a lot of attention as she was used to being an only child. (Although we have been together for ten years.)

TBF all three have quite a lot of emotional needs and that is not always compatible - especially in a small space!

OP posts:
PennyGold · 19/02/2020 09:25

Naaaw YANBU I stopped going on holiday with my parents when I was 17/18.
If your children were her age then it would be different. She's an adult, adults pay for their holidays.

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 09:26

No, she does not get much time with her dad. I do nag him about it. Part of the issue is that she tends to want quality time with him but then is not very nice to him (again, I think she does this because she needs a lot of attention, however it comes). So he does struggle. But is is his job, not mine.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 19/02/2020 09:26

YABU

Tulipan · 19/02/2020 09:29

Yes, I was just thinking that the poor adult kids of divorced parents usually end up with the mum for holidays but never the dad. That's on the dads. Could he do something with her another time or is he not bothered?

When you say you fund her, do you mean you pay the parental contribution that parents are expected to pay to top up the loan, or is it extra to that? Mind you, it isn't really relevant to the holiday question unless you think she is after a freebie caravan holiday rather than hanging out with her parent and feeling part of an extended family??

hiredandsqueak · 19/02/2020 09:30

I think if your 17 year old is invited then your step daughter should be as well.

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 09:32

We give additional money to the parental top up. We will do the same for all of them.

The issue is that a holiday with dsd will end up with a lot of drama and tears. So I’m not prepared to do it. But I don’t know whether that means I really should stop having holidays with DH and my kids: and just say we holiday separately until no dc want to come?!

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 19/02/2020 09:33

Tbh if she's at uni so doesn't have a job.... if she wants to come I think she should be invited and paid for.

Sorry. If your 17 yr old has been invited I can understand why she's been pushed out

PrayingandHoping · 19/02/2020 09:33

She FEELS pushed out. Sorry... typo!

Maybe83 · 19/02/2020 09:33

My Ss is 23. We invite him on all holidays we take the others on.

Some he joins us on and some he doesnt.

QueenofallIsee · 19/02/2020 09:36

Just go with your own DDs and leave your husband out of it? You can’t really exclude her if he is going but you are more than entitled to a break with just your own kids

sendhelpppppp · 19/02/2020 09:37

YANBU. She is 22 ffs.

ddraigygoch · 19/02/2020 09:39

YANBU. 22 is a ridiculous age to be expecting free holidays.
If she wants a holiday she gets a job. Saves up and gathers her friends.