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Original poster

Should DSD be invited on annual summer holiday?

138 replies

TakeANote · 19/02/2020 08:55

DSD is upset that she has not been invited on our annual summer holiday, which will be me, my teen DDs and DH.

She is rather hard work at times and if it came to it, I’d rather just take my girls on my own without DH.

She is 22. Are we wrong to organise this without her? Or should we have separate holidays (me and my girls and DH and his dd?).

(I find it slightly difficult to understand as she is such an adult and I would never have wanted this at her age! But I appreciate she is not me!)

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DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 19/02/2020 11:28

The majority of my friends holidayed with family through uni. I suspect her friends will be going on holidays with their families too, whilst she is excluded. I can see why that would upset her.

Uni is funny because universities do expect you to be dependent on your parents these days, they are expected to fund it, you are expected to live with them during holidays etc.

If she's being excluded because her behaviour is bad I think your DH needs to sit her down and explain this to her, have a conversation about expected behaviour. If it's because shes too old again explain this to her.

sendhelpppppp · 19/02/2020 11:34

I suspect her friends will be going on holidays with their families too, whilst she is excluded

presumably she has a mother as well though?

SW16 · 19/02/2020 11:35

Dsd is a nice girl but needs a lot of attention as she was used to being an only child...TBF all three have quite a lot of emotional needs and that is not always compatible

Undermining your own stereotyping of only children there, OP.

WatcherintheRye · 19/02/2020 11:36

I think I would find it very difficult to function in the rigid worlds some posters seem to inhabit! I know so many families, including my own, where fully independent young adult progeny still enjoy a few days holidaying with family (as well as going on multiple other breaks with friends, g/f, b/f etc!). One friend regularly rents a house in the summer large enough to accommodate any of her adult 'children' and their +1s who want to join her and her dh.

I would concede that none of mine would particularly want to be on holiday on their own with dh and I, but they do enjoy a family group holiday with siblings. It doesn't happen very often and will no doubt happen less as they start to have their own families, so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

I appreciate that family dynamics aren't always conducive to a relaxed holiday and am not getting at the op. But so many people have been reacting with horror that any over 18 (or over 16 in some cases) would want to go/be welcomed on a family holiday, that I felt I needed to set the record straight!

Luckyonetwo · 19/02/2020 11:41

Yanbu

AJPTaylor · 19/02/2020 12:16

I think it is utterly reasonable to draw a line and say no.
I have 2 adult dc. Frankly hols are better without them.

NorthernSpirit · 19/02/2020 14:27

Jesus she’s 22, lives away from home and you fund university for her.

When does the entitlement stop?

No, she doesn’t need to go on holiday. She should be doing things with her own friends.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2020 17:42

LOL. She’s 22.

You don’t “have to” invite her on holidays or days out anymore. There has to be a line drawn somewhere!

Rubywhox · 19/02/2020 19:21

YABU. She’s still family even though she’s 22 Hmm I find it so bizarre that in some families, past a certain age, adult children are no longer included in family things and events. Pretty sad really

HeckyPeck · 19/02/2020 20:30

Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that she wants to!

Haha, lucky that she wants to come along and ruin OPs holiday?

YANBU OP.

Ibizafun · 19/02/2020 23:11

At 17 they can also go with friends, even if they don’t pay. I’m not surprised your dsd is upset.

Dh and I have 5 adult kids between us ranging from 19-25. Although they don’t all come away with us, there is no way would not ask one of them if we asked the others.

Jamjar18 · 19/02/2020 23:24

My DH has a DSS from a previous relationship as well as his DS’s. He’s always invited him on holiday with us but told him he would need to chip in as he had left school and started working. Funnily enough he has never come with us. But he is also the sort of person to whinge about how unfair things are with the way my DH treats him vs his 2DS’s. This is despite him having a biological father who buys him things and takes him on holiday, and obviously his mother! My DH invites him to keep the peace but I think it’s a bit ridiculous.

glitterfarts · 20/02/2020 00:00

The 2 x DD's are under 18.

The DSD is 22 - an adult. Who doesn't pay her way.
No - I wouldn't invite her, especially as for you, she is a small doses person.

There are many university holidays, and a really long summer break, does she work over summer?

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/02/2020 08:30

We didn’t exclude her once she was 18: we actually had separate holidays until last year when she was 21
So until now, she got to go on hols with her dad only every year so far. Then suddenly, without being told anything she found out that not only this will stop this year but he'll be going with your children. That despite the fact that she is still a student so nothing has changed.

Her expressing g upset over this is deemed immature. If you and her dad can't comprehend how this decision could be deemed as rejection, you lack empathy.

He should have spoken to her rather that avoid the matter until she found out. Of course she doesn't want to to your holiday, she just is hurt that something that was the norm is not happening this year because he prefers to go away with his step kids.

It would be totally different if he never took her on holidays before or they were always joint.

ddraigygoch · 20/02/2020 08:44

He didn't need to discuss his plans for his home with an adult that he's paying for who lives outside his house.

I would've loved to see my Dads face if at 22 (and fully independent) I told him I was upset he wasn't checking his plans with me.

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/02/2020 09:58

It always amazes me how step children are expected to not need their dad any longer or want to spend any time with them when the truth nowadays is that many 22 to still live at home and very much part of the household!

The point here is that they had an established routine in place for years, so yes, the minimum you can do is to inform in advance the person concerned when that stop whether you are 10, 22 or 40.

Conrad79 · 20/02/2020 10:01

Dsd is a nice girl but needs a lot of attention as she was used to being an only child

This statement breaks my heart. What a horrible judgement to make.

OP I feel sorry for your DSD having a step mum like you

Bluejuicyapple · 20/02/2020 10:04

She’s still at uni and therefore a dependent so yes you should include her.

ddraigygoch · 20/02/2020 10:05

At 22 regardless of what's happening her whole life is being paid for by her father. So she's already getting more than enough.

The fact she isn't working at all would be embarrassing. To then sulk she's not being bought a holiday!

Maybe he doesn't want to spend time with her. Maybe he's unhappy with the person she is.

Itwasntme1 · 20/02/2020 10:19

@ddraigygoch there is a lot of judgement in your post.

I think mumsnet falls into two camps, those who will support children through university and those who won’t.

In my social circles it is usual for parents to support their adult children through university- yes some kids do get part time jobs, but this really just covers their own socialising. Housing, food, fees etc are paid for by parents.

It’s also not unusual for a 22 to travel with parents, particularly when there are younger siblings.

I can’t imagine excluding one of my children from a family holiday like this. I would just be pleased they wanted to come.

But we are all different😊

Butterymuffin · 20/02/2020 10:27

for me they are about reading books and not being disturbed much for a week...!

Does this happen in your caravan holiday? It sounds like you'd all be on top of one another from what you've said.

ddraigygoch · 20/02/2020 10:28

I would absolutely judge a 22 year old who's life is funded by a parent, who doesn't work and then sulks that she's not being bought a holiday. If that was my friend I'd ask what's wrong with her.

I would support my children through Uni. As long as they were developing into decent and self sufficient adults.
If they decide to do something else and start Uni as an adult then that's for them to work out.

I know it's not unusual. But she's not invited. And she's sulking. That's not normal.

ddraigygoch · 20/02/2020 10:29

And my adult children would be welcome on holiday with me. Once they'd agreed to their contribution.

whiskeylullaby2 · 20/02/2020 10:59

I think you should invite her. I still went on family holidays at that age. (And really enjoyed them)

Now we do family holidays every year with my parents, siblings , children and nephews.

She must feel terribly pushed out. I know I would.

Original poster
TakeANote · 20/02/2020 14:43

Yes we do literally spend hours reading on holiday and no one talks very much at all.

DSD needs constant attention and entertainment.

I have actually told the younger two that after they are 18 they can have their own holidays. Blush Is that terrible? I am looking forward to just being with DH. They say there is no way they will want to be hanging out with old people then anyway...

I guess we might have the odd weekend away once they have all left home, if they all wanted it. But funding them all is really exhausting.

The 17 yo works but the 22 year old doesn’t.

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