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Original poster

Should DSD be invited on annual summer holiday?

138 replies

TakeANote · 19/02/2020 08:55

DSD is upset that she has not been invited on our annual summer holiday, which will be me, my teen DDs and DH.

She is rather hard work at times and if it came to it, I’d rather just take my girls on my own without DH.

She is 22. Are we wrong to organise this without her? Or should we have separate holidays (me and my girls and DH and his dd?).

(I find it slightly difficult to understand as she is such an adult and I would never have wanted this at her age! But I appreciate she is not me!)

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Maybe83 · 19/02/2020 09:40

So the issue isnt that shes too old but you dont want her there.

If you reversed it and your dh said he didnt one of your dds to come because of their emotional needs?

She probably doesnt want to come deep down but is calling it out as a sign that she has been pushed out by her dad. It is his problem obviously there is underlying issues in their relationship.

Bibidy · 19/02/2020 09:41

I think it would be pretty sad to stop going on holiday with your own husband because your adult step-child is kicking up a fuss!!

She's 22, not 15.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 19/02/2020 09:43

I would just go with your own dd’s. Otherwise, it really isn’t nice to exclude your dsd.

You both contribute to her expenses at uni but imho, thats not a reason to not invite her on a family holiday.

In a years time your dd will be 18 so technically an adult. How would you feel if you were planning a holiday and your dh said “we’re taking dsd and dd2, but I don’t want dd1 to come as she’s a bit dramatic, plus we pay for her to go to uni”? I imagine you wouldn’t be too impressed. I would also imagine dd1 wouldn’t be too happy when you for not fighting her corner.

At the end or the day, you are family. It doesn’t matter how old the dc are. You’ve been together for 10 years so it’s unreasonable for her to not be treated as an equal child.

Tulipan · 19/02/2020 09:44

It's sad that you are putting all this thought into it but her dad appears not bothered. I'd suggest he does a separate weekend/week with just her but it doesn't sound like he wants to. Perhaps it is better she accepts that he isn't that bothered.

I think I might just do a holiday with my own kids and leave him to it, but you've been together a long time so presumably your own children don't mind him tagging along.

Forcryingoutloudwtf · 19/02/2020 09:45

It would be nice to invite her. She feels pushed out because you are hoping to push her out.

CalleighDoodle · 19/02/2020 09:45

Jeepers a caravan holidays with daughters of those ages. Id send the dh with all three and stay home myself Grin

ddraigygoch · 19/02/2020 09:48

She isn't pushed out. She's an adult who's already fully dependent on them. The other two are minors.
She should be standing on her own two feet.

MrsAgassi · 19/02/2020 09:49

I’m surprised she wants to go, I didn’t go away with my parents behind the age of 16 and my friends were similar.

However, if she ants quality time with her Dad, why don’t you go away with your daughters and then he can take his daughter away at the same time?

As your eldest will be an adult within the next year too, I think you need to treat both her and your dsd the same way. It’s not fair to invite one but not the other.

Bibidy · 19/02/2020 09:51

However, if she ants quality time with her Dad, why don’t you go away with your daughters and then he can take his daughter away at the same time?

She's 22, this is mad! OP should be able to holiday with her husband and kids without her adult SD sulking.

Would she actually even want to go away with just her dad?

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 09:52

CAlleigh: :). I must admit I thought mine might have grown out of it by now!

I often take mine away individually or together on their own. They can be hard work and I would totally understand DH not wanting to come. It wouldn’t bother me at all. They are my job: not his. (Although actually dsd is sometimes upset that I have taken my dds away and not her.)

Honestly, I don’t really think I will want a family holiday with my dds once they are older. The 17 yo is her own person - I think this will be the last year she wants to come. Big family holidays are not really my thing.

It is partly Dsd’s behaviour but I suppose this is compounded/exasperated by her age.

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 19/02/2020 09:52

Oh...surprised by these responses.

I love my nearly 21 yo uni son to come on holiday with me.
Maybe it's because I am a lone parent and having him along with my 10yo is much more enjoyable. I'd also love to go on my own with either of the boys.

Aren't holidays about spending time with the people you want to be with?

TheVanguardSix · 19/02/2020 09:53

Invite her. I would have extended the invitation, expecting her to say no (at the age of 22) but totally on board with coming had she said yes. She's family, OP, your DH's child. You can't cherry-pick when it comes to bio and stepkids.

potter5 · 19/02/2020 09:58

She is 22!
No - don't ask her. Up to her dad to take her somewhere if he wants to. Sounds like she has been spoiled all her life.

ddraigygoch · 19/02/2020 09:59

Honestly if I was her parent I'd be so embarrassed and even asked.
To be fully dependent on another as an unemployed adult and then sulk with your hand out wanting a holiday.

shinynewapple2020 · 19/02/2020 10:07

I think you should invite her. She may be feeling left out and upset that her father is going away with his step daughters but not her. If you invite her she can then chose to come (as a family holiday) or not come (as she's an adult and may prefer to do her own thing)

Explain to her that she needs to let you know in advance though.

What kind of holidays do you go on? We normally book a villa or apartment so it's just the air fare that would be an addition for an extra person (if holidaying abroad)

Bibidy · 19/02/2020 10:07

You can't cherry-pick when it comes to bio and stepkids.

Surely in this scenario the cherry-picking is between children and adults?! It's not a bio/step divide.

Itwasntme1 · 19/02/2020 10:09

The age gap between the 17 and 22 year olds isn’t huge, so I can see why she expects them to be treated the same.

You should have invited her, she is part of the family.

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 10:11

Shiny new apple: we holiday in a caravan by the sea. (Not far from home.)

I think I will talk to DH about it again. It’s too late to rebook for this year (current caravan not big enough) and anyway I’m not prepared to holiday with DSD right now as I will end up in tears very quickly!

I will suggest that DH offers to take her away instead on their own at the same time and see what he thinks.

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 19/02/2020 10:15

Does your dh want her to come or does he want her to be invited? My SS left home at 24 he had a real FOMO and ruined many a day out, holiday because he didn't really want to be there, just wanted to cause trouble between us and if we did manage go anywhere on our own he'd be constantly on phone about mundane things blown out of proportion. He once guilted his dad into coming home early on a weekend away by shouting down the phone that he couldn't find his car key.... he was 22 at the time. We had to wolf our breakfast down (well l didn't !) and go straight home without our planned morphing stroll around the town etc before going home. We once drove in and out of six pub car parks to look at Sunday dinner menu because he was with us and didn't ilke any of their menus (doesn't like standard Sunday dinner). Fifth one l kicked off and said l was going into next one on my own if necessary.
When he was out on a meal with us he would constantly talk about things /places he'd been with his mum and dad. Really hard work, l feel your pain of a dramatic adult SC.
But it depends on your dh how you handle it. My DH always stuck up for him and used to say 'you just don't like him'.... no shit Sherlock, but for the way he behaved not a personal vendetta.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/02/2020 10:17

morning stroll not morphing stroll !!

shinynewapple2020 · 19/02/2020 10:17

Just seen it's a UK caravan holiday.

How does DSD get on with your own daughters?

If we are holidaying in UK we normally book accommodation (normally a house but caravan sane principle) then tell DS what we are doing and invite him for as much time as he wants to come. Sometimes he'll travel in the car with us, spend a couple of days then get train back. Could you do something like this? So it's not all or nothing? Your 17 year old may also prefer to be with you part of the week rather than all week, if she's not sure. Or you could go for part of the week with your DDs then your DH and his DD join you for part of the holiday later in the week?

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 10:23

Oh Bahhhh you have been in just my position! What should I do?!

Dsd and my dds get on really well. But they do find her very tiring after an hour or so and need to have space/quiet. They are introverted and quite opposite! Although they adore each other they can’t really do long periods without a break. We did invite her for part of the holiday last year but it wasn’t enough for her and was hard work.

OP posts:
sendhelpppppp · 19/02/2020 10:30

Aren't holidays about spending time with the people you want to be with?

Indeed, and if the DSD was more pleasant to be around maybe OP would want her to go.

sendhelpppppp · 19/02/2020 10:31

The age gap between the 17 and 22 year olds isn’t huge

its a very big difference considering one of them will still be at school and the other is an adult.

Original poster
TakeANote · 19/02/2020 10:35

“Aren't holidays about spending time with the people you want to be with?”

Personally for me they are about reading books and not being disturbed much for a week...!

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