Should DSD be invited on annual summer holiday?

[TakeANote]

DSD is upset that she has not been invited on our annual summer holiday, which will be me, my teen DDs and DH.

She is rather hard work at times and if it came to it, I’d rather just take my girls on my own without DH.

She is 22. Are we wrong to organise this without her? Or should we have separate holidays (me and my girls and DH and his dd?).

(I find it slightly difficult to understand as she is such an adult and I would never have wanted this at her age! But I appreciate she is not me!)

Aren't holidays about spending time with the people you want to be with?

Absolutely. And OP quite rightly doesn’t want to spend hers with a badly behaved stroppy grabby adult.

OP, it’s not up to you to suggest to DH he takes her away. Honestly, step back. I know your heart is in the right place but she’s 22 and you say that when he spends time with her, at her request, she treats him horribly and upsets him. Would you encourage him to go out of his way for someone else who was frequently unpleasant to your husband? While she’ll always be his child, her behaviour is entirely her own choice and the dynamic between parents and children changes as the child becomes an adult and it should become more equal and, well, grown up. He can love her unconditionally without choosing to be a doormat.

If she’s not going to start growing up now, when?

17 year olds are still at school, 22 year olds are adults. Tell her that if she wants to go on holiday with you so much she has to pay half the cost and she has to behave like a adult

I think you should have invited her. When you have a partner with kids that’s the deal. I feel a bit sorry for her. I hope that my DD still wants to spend time with us at that age. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that she wants to!

Yes. When you have a partner with children you have to consider those CHILDRENS feelings.

Not adults. Adults need to grow up.

I think you should invite her as it sounds like out of your "family unit" she's the only excluded. She should pay her way though.

And I love spending time with my mum.
We go for food which I sometimes pay for!
We go shopping.
We are both equal adults who mutually enjoy each other's company.

The dependency has ended. She is emotionally supportive. And if I was up shit creek I know I could call her. But this idea that adult offspring should be babied and pandered to is laughable.

YANBU. I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than go on holiday with parents at 22.

Holidays are for relaxing too, so I have equally avoided holidaying with other adults I find high maintenance for exactly the same reason. If they’re not relaxing to be around, I don’t want to spend a week with them!

You do what you want to do. If your DH wants to accommodate her, then the two of them can go away and spend quality time together. I’d suggest the exact same.

Okay, a lot of families don’t immediately switch the rules when their child hits 18. Mine paid for family holiday (when I wanted to go) until I finished full time education.

I know a lot of families who wouldn’t dream of excluding The oldest child like this.

But I seem to be in the minority.

OP make sure you are consistent. You and your husband must start excluding the 17 year olds once she hits 18.

These replies would be so different if the person in question wasn't stepchild. Stepchildren can get away with murder on here, even when they're adults!

I'd be stunned if a 22-year-old actually wanted to holiday in a caravan with their family out of a genuine desire to spend time together. You couldn't pay most 22-year-olds to do that!

She sounds like a difficult girl who's got the hump because she can.

Yanbu

To be honest, once step kids are adults, I do think that unless it’s relatively harmonious, then holidays all together are avoided.

Family occasions then everyone should be included. But holidays are a special sort of hell if an adult child is pulling the dynamics apart.

I also think it’s quite important if your kids do get on with you and your DH, that you do things which bond you together. Don’t stop because of a needy older child.

Really it’s up to your DH to spend time with her, and to foster his own relationship. That’s his to deal with or not. Your DSD is obviously not ready to be part of the blended family to the extent of family holidays, so it shouldn’t be forced on any of you otherwise what is the point.

I know a lot of families who wouldn’t dream of excluding The oldest child like this. that is because they are either not a step family or have never had to deal with destructive family dynamics that can occur within step families. It really isn’t helpful in the least to compare non step families with steps. Step families are a minefield.

She feels left out and wants you to know that. She sounds a bit immature, needing attention and then being angry when she is with her father etc.
I feel sorry for you caught in the middle esp when all you want to do is relax with your kids.
Suggest an activity that she can do with you and your husband -meal out etc. Something more adult to show her that is how you see her. Perhaps she will take the hint and start rising to the challenge.
My bet is that she feels pushed out and hasn't worked out how to deal with it in an adult way.

She's an adult. She can organise her own holidays, especially if she's a sulky piece.

We didn’t exclude her once she was 18: we actually had separate holidays until last year when she was 21.

I would be a bit sad for my dds if they wanted to come on holiday with me and DH once they were adults. I think it is a reflection of a dependency that makes me sad. But it’s also not conducive to a nice holiday!

I’d be VERY HAPPY if my dds chose their own holidays post college - that seems healthy and natural to me.

It never ceases to amaze me how long children expect to cling on to their parents in adulthood and how much parents seem to facilitate this! I didn't holiday with my parents from about the age of 16. I went with friends. The only holidays i've had with parents since then are one's that have happened since I've been married and had children and we've paid and invited parents. My own DC is a similar age as OP's DSD and hasn't been on holiday with us since he left school. He works in the Uni holidays to help fund his studies. He understands that at his age this is what he should do. And before anyone jumps on me, yes we do give him money but he needs to earn more - and it's good to have some work on his CV.

OP I don't think it sounds like it would be a very relaxing break with DSD there and it looks like it's not possible for her to come now anyway as accommodation is already booked. Do you think she really wants to come or is this just more of her attention seeking drama queen behaviour to put the attention on her?

I suppose it depends on your relationship with your parents. I travel a lot, spent summers in Australia and Europe. I had an amazing trip to Boston, thought my parents would enjoy the city and suggested it to them. THe three of us went when I was 23. It was a great trip and we really enjoyed each other’s company.

I don’t think this is sad in any way, and to be honest think your view on what constitutes independence is very narrow.

What I think is sad is you can’t envisage enjoying each others company on a trip.

It's incidental here that she is a step child and you don't actually want her there, the fact is she is at the age where parents often stop paying for holidays and she just needs to adjust to that. It could be a problem if you don't do the same with your kids but it sounds like that isn't likely given they are already thinking of stopping.

I also completely agree with Anneloves I wouldn't be encouraging your DH to not go and to pay for a holiday for her instead, or feeling like you can't holiday with him in case it upsets her. She is an adult who treats him badly, time to stop pandering and begin the stage of her life where if she isn't pleasant to be around people won't be falling over themselves to treat her. That is adulthood.

I don’t think she really wants to come per se, she just wants to be included in everything really which I understand. The problems arise because she then isn’t very good at appropriate behaviour so the whole situation becomes very “charged”.

Why is it sad to go on holiday with your parents?

It's not dependency it's just spending time with people you like? I don't spend masses of time with my parents, I enjoy their company so go on holiday with them. It pisses me off on MN this idea that you can't have friends and spend time with your parents.

I don't understand why when you hit 18 you are supposed to completely detach from your parents. Then when you hit 30 it's suddenly fine to need your parents to look after your DC/want to go on holiday with them. No one would question a 40 year old going on holiday with family?

I think you should have invited her. Will you be not inviting your DD next year? She obviously feels left out. Your arguments for her not coming is she will be hard work, which is a bit sad really.

Suggest an activity that she can do with you and your husband -meal out etc

Oh FGS. The man has been a parent for 22 years. I’m sure if he wants to eat a meal with his adult daughter he’ll think of it himself. Neither the DH nor SD is a helpless child needing guidance or suggestions from the OP. Jesus wept.

Well I see upthread it's going to be hard to change the booking to a bigger caravan anyway.

I think at 22 and as an adult, it's perfectly reasonable for you both to set the ground rules before you go about there will be no tears and drama from her, and also your own daughters as well. if there are you will walk away/drop them home/whatever. Frankly these are vital social skills all of them need to acquire otherwise nobody will put up with them. Equally the oldest 2 should be able to fend for themselves safely if they do get sent home, not so much for the youngest. They all need to know the expectations of acceptable behaviour are the same for all of them.

As with all children they need to know that you are serious and they are not idle threats. So you do have to be prepared to follow through.

Same as some PP I was about to say YABU until I saw she was 22!

I would be a bit sad for my dds if they wanted to come on holiday with me and DH once they were adults.

I find this attitude really odd. I (and most of my friends) continued holidaying with family throughout uni. It generally stopped once we started work because annual leave is much more limited than uni holidays. It was nothing to do with dependency, nor was it something to be pitied. We went on holiday with family because we actually liked our families and enjoyed spending time with them.

It's not dependency it's just spending time with people you like? I don't spend masses of time with my parents, I enjoy their company so go on holiday with them. It pisses me off on MN this idea that you can't have friends and spend time with your parents.

@DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon Appreciated, I also have holidayed with my parents and sister as an adult.

HOWEVER, we get on and it isn't hell for everyone involved, like this holiday sounds like it would be.

It's not dependency it's just spending time with people you like? I don't spend masses of time with my parents, I enjoy their company so go on holiday with them. It pisses me off on MN this idea that you can't have friends and spend time with your parents

It is a dependency if at 22 you have no job. And your entire existence is paid for by your parents.

How would be paying for her to have this holiday?