Should DSD be invited on annual summer holiday?

[TakeANote]

DSD is upset that she has not been invited on our annual summer holiday, which will be me, my teen DDs and DH.

She is rather hard work at times and if it came to it, I’d rather just take my girls on my own without DH.

She is 22. Are we wrong to organise this without her? Or should we have separate holidays (me and my girls and DH and his dd?).

(I find it slightly difficult to understand as she is such an adult and I would never have wanted this at her age! But I appreciate she is not me!)

It's nothing to do with age or where you live. It's about changing long standing plans and informing those concerned before you go ahead and do it. Even more so when it involves close family.

As said, the issue is not with OP. She is entitled to be delighted that her SD is finally an adult and she doesn't have to spend time with her, certainly a holiday.

Her father is still her father though, it didn't stopped because she turned 22 meaning he never has to consider 3cer again the impact of his choices on her. I wouldn't treat my parents like that let alone my kids whatever their age.

It does. Because they are now equals as adults. He is free from parenting her. He has fulfilled his duty and can now change to a more even mature relationship. He doesn't have to pander to her. She need to learn she is not a priority. She now is on her own two feet and it's time for her to find her own life.

@14JustWearThePants and I find it shocking how many people wouldn't consider an family member's feelings when making decisions, regardless of the age or situation.

No one is perfect and family dynamics are always complicated. Of course no one is required to spend time with their adult children or consider their feelings when planning a holiday. But, like any in other adult to adult relationship, if you burn bridges and hurt people this will have an impact on the relationship.

In this particular situation, given the past history of DSDs yearly trip with her father, I do this she is likely to feel excluded. Given that OP has described DSD as "a nice girl," it doesn't seem particularly worth damaging family relations over.

I wouldn't expect my parents to consider my feelings about a holiday at the age of 22. How entitled.

No not at the age of 22.

I would absolutely 'damage relations' by putting an entitled 22 year old back in her place.

I think she should be invited

From 16, when my mum and DSF went on holiday I was invited...

To house sit and look after the dogs. Although I can see it's a bit more hurtful if you are taking the children from one side of the relationship and not the other and she may feel abandoned or pushed out.

Saying that I fully understand why you wouldn't want to invite her if shes difficult and causes a lot of stress and I would probably do/feel the same as yourself in the same situation.

As its non-negotiable to invite her to this holidays I think you should find some compromise. Does she drive? Could she drive up for a day during the holiday?
Could you arrange maybe a adult weekend away you DH and your DSD so she feels more involved in family life? Or even a day out/meal occasionally so she feels part of the family unit?

Tbh I don’t like dd1 coming on holiday with us because of these reasons. I’ve massively reduced the times she is allowed to come since she was 19 and working.

She was an only child for a long time and still needs lots of attention when we’re even going out for a meal. She is 25 this year!

It’s bloody entitlement if an adult expects a free holiday just because they got them when they were younger.

My dd1 will happily come to a family meal or even encourage setting one up then not bring a penny! Ordering cocktails and always the most expensive food on the menu.

I over compensated when she was younger as I was a SP but she really did get the best of both worlds and I think this happens a lot with split family’s

YANBU at 22 and with her whole life being already funded by you I’d expect to not have to find a holiday that she’ll by the sounds of things only go and ruin. My holidays with parents stopped at 17, though at that age the last thing I wanted was to would be to go on holiday with my Kearney’s especially if it was a caravan holiday with no room to swing a cat. She’s got the hump because she wants to have it ignore her and go on what is likely your last holiday with your eldest.

I would be a bit sad for my dds if they wanted to come on holiday with me and DH once they were adults. I think it is a reflection of a dependency that makes me sad.

Really - you think its a dependency thing if you children want to go on holiday with you? Wow, i hope my children would feel fine about coming away with me and dh if they felt like visiting the same place and it works out. I'm not saying we would be joined at the hip, but plenty of people still go on holidays with their extended family

She should be working at 22 instead of living off the bank of mum and dad .