Should DSD be invited on annual summer holiday?

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DSD is upset that she has not been invited on our annual summer holiday, which will be me, my teen DDs and DH.

She is rather hard work at times and if it came to it, I’d rather just take my girls on my own without DH.

She is 22. Are we wrong to organise this without her? Or should we have separate holidays (me and my girls and DH and his dd?).

(I find it slightly difficult to understand as she is such an adult and I would never have wanted this at her age! But I appreciate she is not me!)

I think YABU. I am the eldest with one much younger sibling and I'd have been really hurt if my parents had taken my brother on a holiday without inviting me when I was 22.

I'm shocked at how many people plan to cut their children off at 18. My parents paid for my holidays through uni and even for a few years after tbh because they knew I didn't have a lot of money so wanted to help me out. Obviously there is a limit but being an adult is not something that happens overnight. I'm grateful as I still really needed them in my 20s (financially and otherwise). It didn't create any long term dependancy as they were just helping me while I got on my feet. Now that I have my own career I take them on holiday!

Is it really even about the cost of taking her with you? It seems like the real issue is not money but that you just don't want to take her along because you don't want to be with her, and there is no way to do that without really hurting her feelings. Could it be that her needy behaviour when she is with you is because she senses that you don't want her around?

If you want a quiet and peaceful holiday, just go away with DH alone and don't take any of the children. As it is, you're planning a family holiday and she's the only one who's not invited which will hurt whether or not she actually wants to go.

The truth of the matter is that you included her LAST year and she all but dammit ruined it for everyone.

For me the answer would be 'you made it clear it wasn't good enough for you last year so seeing as you are 22 and don't live at home etc etc, you'll be better off holidaying alone/with mates/your mother.'

She's old enough to know that she's a PITA and a fun sponge and that you would prefer to holiday with people you like, who add to the experience and want to be there for the right reasons rather than to try to be the centre of attention at all times.

I was living alone in South America when I was 21/22 - my last summer holiday with my mum was aged about 16/17, last Christmas abroad was aged 19.

My dad left when I was 16, never had a holiday or a weekend with him for holiday purposes ever again.

I don’t think saying that we won’t be taking you on a caravan holiday after 18 is “cutting my children off”. I suppose I’ve only been on holiday twice with my parents and that was when I was young - they had jobs that meant they didn’t get the chance for family holidays. So it’s not really a “thing” for me.

Until last year we were still holidaying separately as two families because the dynamics over a ew days was not fun.

Sorry OP, I didn't mean you! There just seemed to be a lot of PP who think there is something inherently wrong with a 22 year old university student who is funded by parents and goes on family holidays. Most uni students rely on their parents quite a bit so I don't know why there are so many people who seem to find this unacceptable. It would be different if she wasn't a student and also didn't have a job.

I agree with OP not funding non-working adult dc who ruins it for everyone - hardly ‘cutting her off’. You are funding her higher education and tbf have made it clear you aren’t massively excited about funding your own adult dc for holidays either.

I think it’s ok to say now it’s time for you and DH to enjoy going on hols together after having to keep things separate for a long time. Enough now. Do it! Read loads of books, enjoy.

I think this thread has highlighted that family holidays are very different from family to family.

We had one big family holiday every year, then a local trip with extended family every Easter. Both parents worked in very busy jobs with long hours, so holidays were a big deal.

We still holiday occasionally as a big Family. But them we enjoy each other’s company.

I think you are right ItWasntMe. We make a massive deal of Christmas / Easter / birthdays with huge extended family get together. Holidays for me are about slowing down and not doing anything, not socialising and big huzzahs. That would stress me out massively.

The thing is, there’s no obligation to provide any adult with holidays.

If someone makes it a joy to have them, if a holiday is even better with them there, then absolutely they get an invitation

If they harrumph and whine, make everyone on edge, try and jeopardise the whole thing for literally everyone else, then actually it’s a kindness to not reward their behaviour with an invitation to a holiday they will only ruin.

Her dad needs to tell her that she’s not a good guest and that his one chance per year to wind down and chill out isn’t going to be put at risk by inviting someone who brings stress and drama with them.

She has to learn that she’s on a crappy path

YANBU.

If she was pleasant, mature company and made an offer to contribute in some way I am sure you would never have needed to post here. But It’s easy to see why you’d have a better time without an adult who ruins holidays for others and is rude to the father who funds her life choices.

My 23 year old who is still in education funded by me is at the point now where he would not expect me to fund a holiday for him (he would work for it) or expect to spend a long family holiday with me. He might accept a long weekend city break type thing we me & his siblings but would go splits on it.
I would find it very strange if he were to choose a family holiday over a holiday with his mates or gf.
He's wonderful & we get on like a house on fire but I feel I have done my bit with him & now my dd 14 gets the holiday attention as it were.
I'd also be pretty fed up with him if he was hurt that I was taking away his younger siblings and not him; that he would begrudge me spending that money/time on them when he got all that & more when he was a teen.

Part of successful parenting is sending functioning, independent adults out in to the world & I just don't get this notion that adult children should still be treated the same as younger dependent children.

I think some posters here are missing the point of the issue. It's not about still wanting to go on a familysmy holiday. It's the fact that until now, they've had separate holidays, sd going away with her dad, and this year, without discussing it with her, her dad has decided to go with OP and her children.

There must have been a conversation with him saying that this year, he wanted to go with OP and his step children (not her younger siblings) and it was booked without letting her know then.

The problem is not with OP unless she put huge pressure on him to make that decision but with him for not even letting her know that arrangements would be different this year.

If this the way he normally makes decisions, I'm not surprised she feels let down by him and venting her frustrations out

No. They don't need to consult her. Because she is 22 and lives outside of the home.

No. At 22 I'd expect her to make her own holiday arrangements.

Another adult staying in a caravan would be very crowded as well as awkward if she wants to do different things.

If she did go though I certainly wouldn't be entertaining her. She can go off and do her own thing if she doesn't want to do what everyone else is doing.

I feel your pain OP. We have a 19 year old SD at uni who can cause mayhem when she's with us, the histrionics; the demands, the fighting over the remote, the sulking, we get everything. She had a total strop here last week when my husband and I wanted to watch an hour long programme that she didn't fancy even though she told us she'd sat in front of the telly all day watching live island.

I once served her a roast dinner and forgot to put the Yorkshire puddings in the oven and she didn't just cry, she wailed. I bite my tongue a lot.

When we go away it's not a holiday for me. DH and I have booked a U.K. break in June and of course we've invited the kids but now I know it's not going to be a relaxing time. She's loud, confrontational all the time and it's her way or no way. I'll just spend most of it taking the poor dog for his 5th walk of the day or breathing deeply.

We'll also be expected to pay for all dinners out (including alcohol) for her because "I'm a student" despite her having three holidays with her friends this year.

I genuinely wish she wasn't coming and I have no shame in saying that. But DH loves spending time with her so I'll just suck it up and drink copious wine.

@Dollyparton3 why don't you just stay home?
And when she's wailing do you tell her to shut the hell up?

@ddraigygoch I'd love to but having been excited about going to this place for 6 months I'm going to stand my ground.

My normal strategy is to leave the room. The times I have spoken up have resulted in months of her mother and her bitching about me in their house with my SS overhearing it (he's the best snitch) so it's just not worth stepping in.

Let's face it, stepmums are fine as emotional/household/chef/maid/financial supports 365 days of the year but any form of discipline or opinion is outlawed.

@Dollyparton3 sounds like you're making an awful lot of compromises, was it your choice to invite the kids? I must say the more you post about your SD the more of a nightmare she sounds, if I were in your position DP would be doing all the cooking in future if she had reacted like that to something I'd made. I couldn't tolerate that.

@aSofaNearYou I really do, but my logic is that at 19 it's hopefully an issue that will calm down at some point. Sadly he had to fight really hard to get any contact so I won't begrudge him any time with her. One day she'll calm down

my DS stopped coming on holidays with us when he was 18. I am surprised at a 22yr old wanting to come on holiday with there dad and step mum. The problem you have on this thread is your a step mum ....

No. They don't need to consult her. Because she is 22 and lives outs
There is a difference between consulting and inform you of a change of plan to what has previously happened for years? It's decent curtersy to do so whatever the age or situation.

You were being unreasonable. Until saying that’s she’s 22.

My exSIL is like that with her parents. She throws strops if not invited. She’s 40. It’s weird.

No, she’s 22 and at uni. She’s an adult and doesn’t live at home. Plus if she’s at uni will she be skipping classes? If she’s got enough free time to go on holidays perhaps she could get a part time job instead and start learning to adult properly.

I can't believe there's people who think you're unreasonable and are pushing out a 22 year old ADULT.

It's absolute madness on here sometimes.

@Dontdisturbmenow no it's really not. They can all do what they want because she is 22! And doesn't live with them.