She'd Cut her nose off to spite her face

[LJJ17]

DH ex has been nothing but a nightmare for the whole 4 years we've been married, never worked a day in her life cause she's depressed and has had another child, she's 43, so she doesn't have to work (her words not mine)
Basically we have been paying £30per week maintenance for my husbands son and she's decided it's not enough as she has 2 kids now (one isn't anything to do with us) and has reported us to CMS, The ex text me before Xmas asking for our address as SS wanted to send us a card, we were over the moon and thought we'd reached a turning point. What turned up was the CMA papers 
we've received a letter telling us that she is not entitled to anything at all as my earnings aren't taken in to account only DH. And I'm the high earner.

What makes it worse is we aren't allowed to see SS, he won't answer the phone we bought him (he's 9) he lives 2hrs away and his mum has poisoned him against us and has no intention of letting us have any contact.
She has blocked all contact with us and We have stopped all money AIBU?
I've decided instead to put the money in a separate bank account for SS when he's older.
He won't come to our house because we make him eat his dinner (all he has at home is macdonalds and pot noodles) and he's not allowed to stay up until 1am playing on fortnite.
No negative comments please just not sure if I'm going about it the right way.

Good grief, it is really sad when someone calls a woman grabby for trying to get more than £30 maintenance a week.

Grabby really? He doesn’t even see his child! Nice armchair parenting there.

And if she doesn’t want the money anymore, what are you complaining about? Good luck to you two if you split.

£30 a week for one child is more than I get for my 2 children whose dad earns 40k plus. I get £40 a week

Then maybe you need to contact the CMS about your maintenance. My ex earns a lot less than yours and I get £220 a month for one child. £40 a week for two children is way off.

It’s not a race to the bottom. Just because your ex isn’t paying properly for his children doesn’t mean your partner shouldn’t be paying for his.

Also you only get a little bit more for each child (12% if gross income for one child, 16% for two) not the same amount again so what you get for two kids isn’t really a fair comparison.

Massively unreasonable and awful to stop paying anything for this child, I think you must know that.

Op one second your saying that £30 is a lot because your dp doesn't even make £50 then your saying he was still going to pay it. But how?
I find it hilarious how women will support and make excuses for grown men.
It isn't her money it is the dc.
Post the money, or set up a debit card and send that to the dc.
Saving accounts is the ultimate goal excuse and never ever get started and if they to rarely does the money get to the dc because at some point the parent deems that the dc doesn't deserve it now.

Also how she parents and how you see her isn't your business, your dp was happy to have a dc with her and be with her, all this hate is misplaced. You should have a hard look at the man child who still hasn't got his act together

Three simple things:

He keeps paying, not least because no self respecting father would voluntarily reduce his earnings to £50 a week and not keep up his usual payment.

He takes her to court for access

If he has such concerns about her parenting, he goes for full custody.

@Sotiredofthislife no I didn’t! Jesus Christ you’re like a dog with a bone!
I said several times that it’s not the case.
Fucking hell you love to make it all about YOU and your personal circumstances on every thread! Let. It. Go.

That doesn't even cover 50% of the living cost of his child

If the mum doesn’t work, how is she covering her 50% of the childs costs?

It will be the child that loses out on both sides.

I don’t think putting money aside is that bad an idea if she won’t take it. Let the csa sort it out for her.

What he should be doing first is seeing a solicitor for court ordered access if he isn’t allowed to see the child. Sort out seeing him first, then worry about money. Especially if his living conditions are as bad as you say....

This putting money aside is a red herring, every time the OP and husband are short of money, they will start to claw it back.

£30 a week - barely pays for school lunches.

I see the OP hasn’t been back to defend her Prince of a husband who concluded it was prudent to start his own business when his earnings would be reduced to essentially nothing when he has a child to provide for.

You say she is refusing the £30, is she sending it back? I assume you guys used to put it straight in her bank and not like... physically posting it to her?

Either way, seems like you guys need a more formal agreement.
If you do it through the court and say you've previously been paying 30 and are still willing to do so, I doubt that they would tell you not to.
But yeah, if she's stopped the visitation, time to go back to the system.

How is £30 per week a pittance? Surely that amount just reflects what he was earning, so not really a pittance when you take in to account the fact that he wasn’t a high earner.

I really do wonder what amount people would be genuinely satisfied with. Much much more than £30 I’m guessing. I also wonder how these same people expect an nrp to provide extras plus an extra bedroom in their house if they were to pay a high percentage in maintenance

The notion that they should pay 50% of her outgoings is a bit silly really and where would you draw the line?

What is silly about expecting a parent to be equally responsible for his own children???

Where would you draw the line? Let me see now... at 50% of the real world cost it takes to raise his DS every month (as I said in my previous post!!!)

But her outgoings are covering herself as well as her son. Her ex is not responsible for her outgoings, just those related to her son.

I never once said outgoings - I said 50% of the real world costs of raising the son. There is a difference!

This all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Just pay the £30 by bank transfer, preferably increase it.
Your h needs to get a job if he can only support his child by £30 a week, it's ridiculous and the op's defence has my eyes rolling like crazy.
You both make a pretty foul pair.

OP, if you are still here.

Please don't stop money as despite Ex wife's behaviour your DH MUST do the right thing.

£30 per week is very low. You mentioned she asked for your address, did she not have it before? She is entitled to go to CMS for a reassessment and whilst it might have irked you I would let it go.

Does your DH have any contact with the school? You have raised parenting concerns which need to be addressed and your DH can't ignore any concerns as his son is still very young. I would try to have compassion for his son and focus on what is in his best interests. If your DH can pay more he needs to..irrespective of CMS assessment. Don't compare it to what you receive.

I know it's frustrating but in a few years your dss will hold his dad accountable for his behaviour during this time. It will not be a good answer to say "but your mum did xyz".
If your DH is a good man he will do the right thing and approach this with sensitivity and try to rebuild his relationship with his son.

OP don't listen to all the step parent haters on here. If your DH has been assessed to pay £30 a week then that is all he should pay and you shouldn't have to financially support his child in any way. Some parents don't receive any maintenance of the other parent is unemployed or have passed away and how do they manage ?
His mother would have to live in a house pay rent, water etc even if she didn't have a child so the contribution of £120 a month should more than cover the cost of a 9 year olds food and minimal living expenses especially if you have been paying for everything else he needs. I would continue to pay the £30 a week through CMS so that you are never in the wrong and try a different way of contacting the ex. Can your DH contact her parents or can DH parents contact her to try and sort this out for SS. stopping contact because she didn't get her own way is awful and very selfish. Hope this works out for you OP

OP don't listen to all the step parent haters on here.

I dont hate SP. I am one.
I hate parents that shirley their parental responsibility and I hate their cheerleaders who enabld it.

Just because some dont get maintenance does that mean nobody should or they should be happy with a pittance?
This father chose to change jobs knowing he would not be able to financially support his child. Hes a shit father.

Go find an incel site to wave your pom poms on.

OP don't listen to all the step parent haters on here.

I don’t believe the OP has been on the receiving end of any hate. The child’s father is the useless waste of space in all of this and he wouldn’t be classified as a step parent. The OP is facilitating his idiocy by paying for him while he pisses around earning less than I did in part time job when I was a teenager at school, so to that extent she is also pretty abhorrent. I would never date a man that thought so little of his obligation to support his child.

Just because some dont get maintenance does that mean nobody should or they should be happy with a pittance?

I’m not saying people shouldn’t get what they’re entitled to get. The entitlement varies depending on what the nrp’s income is.

An rp wouldn’t be entitled to £600 of a £1000 wage. People need to get their heads around that.

But then, £600 probably wouldn’t be enough either to some of you.

funinthesun19

I dont need to get my head around it.
This father CHOSE to reduce his income meaning he only has to pay £30 per week.
That's shit parenting.
Very different from somebody earning as much as they can and then paying a reasonable percentage.

I still don’t think £30 per week is a pittance. How much was he paying before the £30? If his monthly figure reduced by a significant amount then I can see your point. If it reduced by about 20 quid I say fgs get over it.

I say all this an ex stepmum and an rp.