She'd Cut her nose off to spite her face

[LJJ17]

DH ex has been nothing but a nightmare for the whole 4 years we've been married, never worked a day in her life cause she's depressed and has had another child, she's 43, so she doesn't have to work (her words not mine)
Basically we have been paying £30per week maintenance for my husbands son and she's decided it's not enough as she has 2 kids now (one isn't anything to do with us) and has reported us to CMS, The ex text me before Xmas asking for our address as SS wanted to send us a card, we were over the moon and thought we'd reached a turning point. What turned up was the CMA papers 
we've received a letter telling us that she is not entitled to anything at all as my earnings aren't taken in to account only DH. And I'm the high earner.

What makes it worse is we aren't allowed to see SS, he won't answer the phone we bought him (he's 9) he lives 2hrs away and his mum has poisoned him against us and has no intention of letting us have any contact.
She has blocked all contact with us and We have stopped all money AIBU?
I've decided instead to put the money in a separate bank account for SS when he's older.
He won't come to our house because we make him eat his dinner (all he has at home is macdonalds and pot noodles) and he's not allowed to stay up until 1am playing on fortnite.
No negative comments please just not sure if I'm going about it the right way.

Well we shall just have to disagree.
£20 pw may not make a big difference to you and that's great however it does to some.

Some parents don't receive any maintenance of the other parent is unemployed or have passed away and how do they manage

So that makes it OK? To give up your job when you have a child to support? Having not received any maintenance for over 12 years now I can tell you that absolutely, I manage. But my home is falling to pieces, there is sod all in my pension pot, and I am beyond exhausted.

And fun, to state £20 or some other reduction in maintenance is just insignificant, I suggest you try bringing up children you made with someone else under your own steam, year after year, meeting all their costs, dealing with all ill health and juggling of work responsibilities and then come back and tell us what a difference that insignificant £20 a week/month/year might have made to the quality of both your child’s life and your own. Spoken like a second wife with no money worries and without any concept of just how difficult some people’s lives are, eh?

Go to court to get proper regular contact in place.
Pay whatever CMS tells him too.
Done

Sotiredofthislife

I am providing everything thank you very much. It’s not easy. I was a second wife but not anymore thankfully. And if you don’t believe me I will happily prove it to you....

I just won’t join your hard done by ex wives club who think the world revolves around them and their shiny first children. That’s the difference between me and you.

So that makes it OK? To give up your job when you have a child to support?

Like the child’s mother has?

Why is it ok for her not to work at all?

Ah, you’re better than me because I have an expectation That my children are supported by their father when you are well off enough to not worry about the odd £20? It is hard done by to expect a father to provide financial support and so uncouth to shout about the injustice of it?

Really?

I am thankful I am nothing like you, absolutely. Women like you are part of the problem.

Like the child’s mother has? Why is it ok for her not to work at all?

Two wrongs make a right, then?

I’m not well off at all. But I still won’t get worked up about being £20 down per month. Sorry if that offends you.

I’ll happily go through my finances with you if you still think I have loads of money.

And we don’t know the mother’s personal situation to comment. All sorts of things can make work difficult. Caring for elderly parents is an obvious one.

And we don’t know the mother’s personal situation to comment. All sorts of things can make work difficult. Caring for elderly parents is an obvious one.

ERM, wasn’t there an nrp a few weeks back who wasn’t working due to caring for a terminally ill relative?

You’re not sorry. What offends me is that you can’t imagine for some people, £20 is a lot of money. Where do you get off defining someone else’s line in the sand or assuming because you manage it, everyone else can? Where is the line? £20, 100, 200.....? Too many. people making excuses for paarents who shirk their responsibilities.

Everyone has luxuries they can cut back on. If my ex told me he’s reducing his maintenance by £20 per month because of a new job/new baby or whatever I can either wallow in it or I can readjust my own finances. It might mean something less for myself but then that would just be me being a good parent wouldn’t it?

so....? The detail makes a difference in individual situations. The NRP in this case has reduced his working situation deliberately and expects the ex to make up the difference.

I really think people are getting far too over invested in this thread.
£30 a week is actually reasonable towards food costs, considering they also help buy clothes and things he needs then yes that’s more than enough.
CM is not to cover costs towards the mothers rent she’d be paying this regardless of whether she had this boy or not and only a small proportion of her gas and electricity would be directly related to her son. Sure she cooks his meals and cleans his clothes but she’s also doing her own and feeding herself, so this usage, for the most part, would already be there.

I’d still ensure the £30 was paid though, even just bank transfer it without discussing it with her.

The choice of title for this thread says it all. You are clearly regaling in the fact that she is now due to get nothing in maintenance and that is sad.

There's clearly much history there and probably a lot of very different perspectives in terms of who's done wrong and whose fault it is that the child doesn't want to his father any longer.

In the end, it sounds like they have both now moved on so unless your OH drastically change things, look at ways to better support his child financially and see about rebuilding his relationship with him, he can more or less say goodbye to him. It might suit him, no need to pay any maintenance and you, no worry about the ex any longer.

Sadly another case of a child caught in the middle of two families that can't put aside their own pettiness which leaves a child lacking parental and emotional input from his father.

Everyone? And you provide everything but you get maintenance?!

No, I was giving a hypothetical example.

I don’t get any maintenance because my ex is unstable and if he has no money left I will be left to pick up the pieces and let him come back.

OP as a second partner and like you children with an ex, we both know that what your partner is doing is wrong.
Your partner has managed and should continue to pay the £30 a week. The mother of his child tried to be clever by going to CMS and it didn’t work out for her but why not continue to pay it into her account and if she then sends it back so be it.
There are some first wives attitudes are that because they have children they should have everything their ex and his new families have it doesn’t matter what the second wives provide for their family the golden first children are put above any other children. This attitude makes me want to boil my piss.

Yes everyone. You know full well I don’t mean shopping sprees in Gucci. I mean things like going somewhere cheaper for a hair cut or just doing what I do and going a whole year without a hair cut. Little sacrifices that will save that £20

There is a HUGE difference between say an electrician working for the council, being made redundant, deciding to set up his own business as an electrician, working on getting clients and therefore not making much money for a few months, but expect to do so in a year's time at which he is happy to pay what he was paying before if not more.

...and an apprentice electrician, who agreed on a figure with the ex, never increased it despite starting to earn well working for a company, who refused to pay more, and when threatened to be taken to csa, decides to quit his job and start a 'business' selling on ebay, and then acts goady with the ex.

We have absolutely no idea where OP's ex stands. I expect somewhere in between but whichever side makes a big difference as to whether he is being reasonable or not.

“ I mean things like going somewhere cheaper for a hair cut or just doing what I do and going a whole year without a hair cut. Little sacrifices that will save that £20 smile”

Similarly one could argue that sacking work off, starting a business and building it up to become your own boss is a luxury - many people dream of doing this but are unable to as they don’t have the funds (or a well paid partner) to cashflow the first hard few years. So they stick to the same routine because it puts food on the table and a roof over their dcs’ heads, that too is good parenting :)

Yes everyone. You know full well I don’t mean shopping sprees in Gucci. I mean things like going somewhere cheaper for a hair cut or just doing what I do and going a whole year without a hair cut. Little sacrifices that will save that £20

You understand in the current climate there are people choosing between heating and eating? Relying on food banks? People for whom the idea of a salon haircut is a luxury way beyond their means? People who are already making sacrifices for their children every single day?

No. Not everyone.

There are some first wives attitudes are that because they have children they should have everything their ex and his new families have it doesn’t matter what the second wives provide for their family the golden first children are put above any other children

And yet statistically, NRPs are less likely to pay maintenance for their children than actually pay it. And of those who do pay, a significant portion pay only £7 per week. Those of us fighting that would just like our children provided for. Fuck all to do with ‘golden children’ and everything to do with fairness.