She'd Cut her nose off to spite her face

[LJJ17]

DH ex has been nothing but a nightmare for the whole 4 years we've been married, never worked a day in her life cause she's depressed and has had another child, she's 43, so she doesn't have to work (her words not mine)
Basically we have been paying £30per week maintenance for my husbands son and she's decided it's not enough as she has 2 kids now (one isn't anything to do with us) and has reported us to CMS, The ex text me before Xmas asking for our address as SS wanted to send us a card, we were over the moon and thought we'd reached a turning point. What turned up was the CMA papers 
we've received a letter telling us that she is not entitled to anything at all as my earnings aren't taken in to account only DH. And I'm the high earner.

What makes it worse is we aren't allowed to see SS, he won't answer the phone we bought him (he's 9) he lives 2hrs away and his mum has poisoned him against us and has no intention of letting us have any contact.
She has blocked all contact with us and We have stopped all money AIBU?
I've decided instead to put the money in a separate bank account for SS when he's older.
He won't come to our house because we make him eat his dinner (all he has at home is macdonalds and pot noodles) and he's not allowed to stay up until 1am playing on fortnite.
No negative comments please just not sure if I'm going about it the right way.

There are no golden first children. Especially not when the non resident parent’s contribution to keep a roof over their head is a maximum of 20% of his net salary, while the subsequent relationship’s children enjoy at least 80% of it.

Sadly, many woman continue to be stupid enough to become SAHMs (I was one of them) and are left in a bad situation to support the kids on their own or to previous standards after taking a break to care for the kids or being left with the lion share of the responsibility of finding suitable childcare that allow them back into work.

You understand in the current climate there are people choosing between heating and eating? Relying on food banks? People for whom the idea of a salon haircut is a luxury way beyond their means? People who are already making sacrifices for their children every single day?

Lol you’re such a condescending little peach aren’t you? I know what struggling is thank you. That’s probably why I’m so frustrated by the idea that someone who isn’t going to miss the £20, would kick up such a big fuss about it.

Not everyone is struggling. But you’d think on Mumsnet everyone is in poverty.

Golden first children is a thing though. Much more people care about their wellbeing because of their family circumstances over the second children. People just assume the second children are fine with whatever shit they get thrown at them because their parents are still together and that makes it all ok.

Lol you’re such a condescending little peach aren’t you?

Right back at you.

Right back at you.

I just adapt my answers to the ones I receive 🤷🏼‍♀️

And again. Right back at you

👍🏼

And from what I can recall, you initiated a conversation between us. If you’d have left the second wife dig out In your first post towards me, then we might have had a more intelligent conversation

Golden first children is a thing though. Much more people care about their wellbeing because of their family circumstances over the second children

Anecdotally, maybe. Statistically, children of divorced parents have reduced outcomes compared with those of non-divorced children and children of divorced parents where the PWC lives in poverty fair the worst. I think maternal education makes up for many issues but poverty is the big one. Which is why refusing to pay maintenance and deliberately reducing circumstances to avoid maintenance is crucial in deciding a child’s future. And yet as a society, we laugh about it, are friends with those who openly dodge their responsibilities and blame the single mother (even when no longer single) for all society’s ills. First children are frequently assumed ‘delinquent’, troublesome, out of control, rude. Very little ‘golden’ about that.

If the mother is such a terrible mother, why doesn't your husband get off his arse and pay £215 to take her to court to sort proper access or go for joint custody? If he isn't willing to do that, her abilities as a parent shouldn't come into question. Also, he shouldn't be starting a business where he can only pay himself £50 a week when he has a child he is financially responsible for. The more neglectful parent here is him. He won't do anything about the lack of access and thinks it's suitable to start a business meaning his son can live off fresh air! His ex has two children in her full time care, at least that's some kind of reason that she is unable to work but your husband has no reason at all really. Working on his pipe dream while another child gets brought up with a basically absent father that can't be bothered

Unfortunately, fun in my experience, the second wife frequently feels the need to lord it over the first. Exactly as you did claiming £20 is unimportant. It really isn’t. And even where a PWC can make the adjustment (and lord knows, we shouldn’t have to), that is frequently used in a ‘she got the house/all the benefits’ way to continue to excuse non payment of maintenance. If you are managing alone and are able to do so without too much difficulty, it would be nice to see some empathy for women (usually women) in similar circumstances for whom managing is more complex - whether that be because of poorer work prospects, higher living costs, some poor financial choices or anything else. Trying to minimise the importance of the contribution from the other parent because it’s only £20 ignores the very difficult situation many people currently live (and not just those trying to make income spilt across households work).

The sad thing for me is that it's likely to be the SS who is disadvantaged.
I'm a stepmum and when DH decided he want to start his own business we made sure that our joint income (basically my income) would continue to cover the cost of maintenance.
I don't get on with the DCs mum, but that doesn't mean I want to do anything that would damage her ability to look after the kids.
They are now at uni, and I continue to support them directly, because it's the right thing to do.
If I were you I'd re-instate the maintenance immediately.

@Sotiredofthislife
My children are my ex’s first children and my partner and I do not have our own children, My partner has gone beyond with maintenance us second wives are put in a position by ex wives like you the feel you are owed everything. That their children’s fathers should never be happy and should be at the beck and call of their first wife. You would rather fathers have no life and in one of your charming posts towards me on another thread actually said I hope you will be happy when I become the second ex wife.

I want my children’s dad to be happy and at least have a shot at doing it on his own. Technically he should be paying over £300 per month for our 4 children, but at the moment I don’t want anything whilst he finds his feet. And even then I won’t want the full amount because he needs to live as well. If being in a “second family” has taught me anything, it’s that the nrp isn’t always rolling in money themselves. And he isn’t. So I want him to be stable enough to provide a happy warm place for his children to stay when they go to stay with him and to have money to feed them. If he sends me all that money then how can he do that? Also if he runs out of money and can’t pay his rent and other bills, I don’t want to be the one picking up the pieces and letting him come back.

Why should he live in a dingy cold flat? I’d rather he keep the money and be healthy and warm so he can be a better dad.

I know this post will strike a cord with some people. Oh well.

Sotiredofthislife
I don’t really have much sympathy for rps who aren’t struggling financially to be honest. Their ex could probably do with that £20 more. And maybe it would go well towards feeding the second child instead of going towards lining another household’s pockets when they aren’t struggling.

For an rp who would genuinely be on their arse if they didn’t get that £20, I’d be really concerned and would advising them to look at their own outgoings. It’s sad if they are actually that desperate. We all know maintenance shouldn’t actually be relied on because it can stop at any point, so they should budget for that event happening anyway surely.

@funinthesun19
Absolutely my partners ex was getting over 1K a month, plus all uniform, travel to school and half of the gym... guess what that was not enough and still was according to her hard done by.....
I believe that the original posters partner should carry on sending the money, even if the mother of his child doesn’t want it anymore. Some on here will disagree with any step parent because they were not the golden uterus. I say this as a mother to children with a step mother and a step mum.

Golden children - I so wish my Ex would give mine a tiny glint of that. The second family child gets more monies, time, attention etc - it is painful to see.

i don;t ask my EX for my children to be treated the same as his second family child because the response would be explosive. I make up the difference in all the ways that I can but it does not change the fact that their father considers them less worthy than their sibling. That his second DP pushes and actively expects and gets more for her one they know - she told them! They are now reaching that age that they understand the differences.

There are no golden first children. Especially not when the non resident parent’s contribution to keep a roof over their head is a maximum of 20% of his net salary, while the subsequent relationship’s children enjoy at least 80% of it

That’s one way to look at it. Another is the first family with have 2.2 incomes, plus any child benefit etc, while a second family will have 1.8.

The second family also can get caught in the loophole of tax credits where 100% of the salary is used for the calculation, rather than the 80% they take home- where the mum’s tax credits won’t take the additional 20% into account.

First families also may have the benefits of more adults or the children being older- my brother’s ex never paid a penny in childcare as between db, our family, her family, her new husband, his adult children, there was no need.

It’s also very hard to start up again with mortgages or bond for rent etc when the bank will only consider 80% of your wage.

Bottom line is every situation is different. “Fair” is different in everyone’s opinion. Dbro goes without an awful lot to be fair to his kids- he hasn’t been on holiday in years, and it really hurts him to see his ex and her new man trotting off with his kids for two weeks in the sun. But they see it as him not taking the kids on holiday because he’s a shit dad...

Parents who don't support their dc whether they have contact or not are the lowest imo.
And saying you buy other things OP is no excuse. The dc mother needs certainty of income.
Just do the decent thing.

Your DP doesn't sound like much of a catch Op.

No decent man decides to indulge in starting their own business and earning nothing when they have a child to support.

And I would be wary of assuming she has alienated his son. That's what I am sure my exH girlfriend likes to tell herself too. The reality is sadly far from that. DS doesn't want to see his dad because his dad was abusive. But never when girlfriend was around.

There are no golden first children. Especially not when the non resident parent’s contribution to keep a roof over their head is a maximum of 20% of his net salary, while the subsequent relationship’s children enjoy at least 80% of it

That’s because the non resident parent also has household costs to pay, which is why the children who live in that home full time seemingly have more money to “enjoy”.

The way you’re going on, they might as well make it a family event each time he rings up each month to pay his rent/mortgage and all other bills. After all it’s money for them to “enjoy” isn’t it?

£30 a week is a pittance. And being self employed is a well known ploy of deadbeat dads trying to avoid maintenance. Shame on him.

Dear God, can no one read??
The Ex has REFUSED the £££
Hence why OP is setting it aside!!
And yes there are lots of shitty mothers and Ex’s who think they are entitled to carry on controlling their exH life and finances.
MN need to stop jumping to attack step mums and 2nd wives, you know it could be you one day.

I am a step mum as well. I would drop DH like a lead balloon if be suggested he gave up his job and started his own business with zero pay to begin with when he has two children of his own to support.

Agree with nevertwerk. How has she refused the money? It's delusional to think you're helpless in this situation. Your husband needed to go to court and fight for his child and be able to say he did everything he could in his sons best interests. Honestly how embarrassing