She'd Cut her nose off to spite her face

[LJJ17]

DH ex has been nothing but a nightmare for the whole 4 years we've been married, never worked a day in her life cause she's depressed and has had another child, she's 43, so she doesn't have to work (her words not mine)
Basically we have been paying £30per week maintenance for my husbands son and she's decided it's not enough as she has 2 kids now (one isn't anything to do with us) and has reported us to CMS, The ex text me before Xmas asking for our address as SS wanted to send us a card, we were over the moon and thought we'd reached a turning point. What turned up was the CMA papers 
we've received a letter telling us that she is not entitled to anything at all as my earnings aren't taken in to account only DH. And I'm the high earner.

What makes it worse is we aren't allowed to see SS, he won't answer the phone we bought him (he's 9) he lives 2hrs away and his mum has poisoned him against us and has no intention of letting us have any contact.
She has blocked all contact with us and We have stopped all money AIBU?
I've decided instead to put the money in a separate bank account for SS when he's older.
He won't come to our house because we make him eat his dinner (all he has at home is macdonalds and pot noodles) and he's not allowed to stay up until 1am playing on fortnite.
No negative comments please just not sure if I'm going about it the right way.

[LJJ17]

@LouDogLover thank you for actually reading my post properly and not judging me

[Figgygal]

“who allows a 9 year old to stay up till 1am...“

Shit parents because unfortunately there are some shit mums as well as shit dad who are just shitty in their behaviours and in their expectation shit parents because unfortunately there are some shit mums as well a shit dad who are just shitty in their parenting

[LJJ17]

@Figgygal she refuses the £30.

@ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 maybe I've worded it incorrectly and we haven't stopped the money because she won't let us have contact it's cause she's refused it and says she now wants nothing from us.

[ahenderson270]

Sheeeeeeesh it's like people deliberately don't read the OPs first post properly so they can be offensive towards them for funsies ..


She clearly states he was paying maintenance before CMS involvement, the mothers greed in involving CMS has meant she's entitled to nothing because his income is low

1. why on earth should OP be subsidising that through supporting her husband's business! Her step-son is not her financial responsibility in any way, most certainly is that step-sons half sibling!!
   
   
2. £30 a week was agreed between them and it has literally nothing to do with anyone else, if you think it's not enough, fine but how is being a nasty git with the OP about a financial agreement between her husband and his ex remotely appropriate, helpful or even called for!?!?
   
   
3. the ex put her own foot in her own mouth by underhandedly going to CMS in a grabby attempt to get more money .. she'd still be receiving £30 a week if she didn't have some messed up idea about her ex paying more now she decided to have a second mans child!!
   
   As for the stopping payment a - CMS has rules he doesn't have to pay a penny, he's willing to but the ex is committing parental alienation and he's decided to stop bank rolling that - OP however has clearly stated in words small enough for even most angry types to understand - they are paying the £30 a week into an account in the child's name .. the money is there for the child, chill the feck out!!
   
   
   OP advise your husband to apply for contact- start with mediation services if she refuses three attempts at mediation then you can make your own application to the courts for a contact order - all the information for how to do this is on the directgovt website
   
   Good luck ❤️

[LJJ17]

@chinam how is £30 pittance if he doesn't even bring in £50 a week??
I also have my own business which I'm very fortunate for but even with my wages accounted she's been entitled to £26 minus the CmA percentage.

Why do you all think that we're trying to get out of paying for a child?

[BaubleTheLumpOfCoal]

@LJJ17 so you pay towards rent and bills for him?
You help with gas and electric to keep him warm and fed?
You help with things like bedding and toiletries so he's able to be clean and comfortable?

I highly doubt it.

People seem to think buying kids clothes, uniform and shoes means that the resident parent will have no other expenses to keep the child safe, fed, warm, clean and comfortable.
Couldn't be further from the truth.

Whatever way you dress it up, £30 is a pittance towards his child and now you've stopped it altogether.

[2020BetterBeBetter]

If she has refused the money, then that is up to her. If/when she or your DSS ask then I would reinstate the money.

As for only eating McDonald’s etc. I’d probably be a bit lenient about that and build up a relationship with him. You can then decide if you really want the battle about what he eats or not in the future but otherwise it sounds like you/your DH are also cutting off your noses to spite your faces because you could have a relationship and are choosing not to because you don’t agree with what he eats or does in his spare time.

[LJJ17]

@ahenderson270 finally someone who's listening to me. I suppose typing messages don't always read properly and I've not come across correctly.
Thank you.
We've tried mediation and she wouldn't turn up, eve arrange supervised visits and again she doesn't turn up, all she wants is money and encourages the boy not to call him dad.
We had a good relationship to start with we'd see him every other weekend and drive to fetch him and take him home but when his mum got with her new fella it all stopped, we've paid maintenance every week regardless of contact and as I say I've not stopped the money because she's stopped contact

[LouDogLover]

@LJJ17 my best advice would be to carry on make the £30 payments each week by bank transfer so these will be recorded on statements...if she chooses not accept it that's up to her at least then if the CMA do come asking question your husband will be able to show his bank statements then he is covered.

[LJJ17]

@2020BetterBeBetter there are so many issues that are too long to go into but we actually let him eat what he wants when he's with us which I'll admit does frustrate slightly because my kids eat what's given to them, is never give them anything they don't like.
I refuse to let a 9yo stay up that late and I think us asking him to turn everything off at 10 is still too late

[LJJ17]

@BaubleTheLumpOfCoal if I'm being perfectly honest I didn't know we were expected to pay her bills.
My children are clothed, housed, fed by me with a £40 contribution from their dad. The children live with me so I feel it's my responsibility to feed and keep them warm.
I'll probably get my head bitten off again

[MadameButterface]

Any children part of the nrp’s household will reduce cm payable whether he is the father of them or not, so this is factually wrong.

I’m not entirely sure i believe that the ex literally said the words ‘ds doesn’t want to visit his dad because he makes him eat all his dinner instead of pot noodles and macdonalds and won’t let him stay up until 1am playing fortnite’ but obviouslyi have no basis for this, it just sounds unlikely. She does sound like she scores a highly on mn ex wife bingo though (shit lazy parent, eats takeaways, doesn’t spend any money, doesn’t work, benefit fraud) you only need a mention of ‘has her hair and nails done’ for a full house

[ahenderson270]

@LJJ17 it seems a bit of a thing here in mumsnet .. a certain band of 'people' rally to controversial posts and electively pick out parts of the OPs first post to deliberately remove any context from and twist it to spend post, after post and post to bash the OP with 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dunno they're odd lot. But let's not give them anymore airspace ..

If she's messed about with mediation then go straight to court - all the information is on the direct govt website, you don't need legal representation; you can fill out all the forms yourselves and deliver them to court with the costs. I'm fairly sure if she doesn't attend court a decision will be made in her absence but depending on the age of the child CAFCASS will be brought on board and any detected parental
Alienation will sink any high horse she's deluded enough to think she's riding.

[LJJ17]

@LouDogLover I think you're probably right then that way it's up to her if she uses it. Never ever have we denied him anything he's asked for or her, we bought him an iPhone cause he asked for one to text us. My children and SS are treated as equally as we can

[LJJ17]

@MadameButterface that was basically the response I got when I asked her why he doesn't want to come. We make him eat and he's not allowed on his phone late. The reasons stated are she gives him McDonald's and his phone when he wants. We've checked his WhatsApp last seen and he's been on his phone at 3am on a school night and then doesn't go to school the next day.
I really like my SS and I actually thought I got on really well with his mum but she just seems to have have got very greedy after having a new baby so I'm assuming it may be her new partner??

[BaubleTheLumpOfCoal]

@LJJ17

Don't be obtuse.

No one is expecting you to pay all her bills, just for the child's father to contribute to the 'running costs' (so to speak) of their shared child.

What you manage on is irrelevant. This is about your partner and their shared child.

[LouDogLover]

@BaubleTheLumpOfCoal People seem to think buying kids clothes, uniform and shoes means that the resident parent will have no other expenses to keep the child safe, fed, warm, clean and comfortable.... but it is one less thing the resident parent doesn't have to buy so in theory there then should be more money available for bills and day to day expenses.

• you pay towards rent and bills for him?
  You help with gas and electric to keep him warm and fed?*...inst that what CM is for...to cover costs for that child? Up to the residential parent if they chose to spend it on bills or food or whatever for that child.

[LouDogLover]

The reasons stated are she gives him McDonald's and his phone when he wants. We've checked his WhatsApp last seen and he's been on his phone at 3am on a school night...why has 9 year old got a phone and Whatsapp??

[NewNameSameOldGame]

@LJJ17 I know I’m missing the point of the thread, but if your Ex is earning £40k+ a year then why is he only paying £30 a week towards your 2 children? Unless he’s having them 50/50 then it should be a hell of a lot more! My DP earns around that and pays about £130 a week for my 2 SDs (plus half of all extras like uniform/hobbies/trips). He’s having you on there!

WRT to your SS I would continue to pay £30p/wk for him, if his mum refuses it then put it in an account for him. Keep a record of all contact regarding finances.

I usually don’t think stepmums should have to pay towards their SCs, however if he’s not working because you’re enabling him not to (whether temporarily or due to starting a business) then I think morally you should help his ex out.

[NewNameSameOldGame]

why has 9 year old got a phone and Whatsapp??

I made a similar remark on another thread on her and got verbally attacks for my view that kids don’t need phones don your hard hat!

[BaubleTheLumpOfCoal]

@LouDogLover
That's exactly what I meant.
OP retorts with 'well we buy him everything' but in reality the clothes and shoes barely scratch the surface.
They've now stopped CM, but providing clothes and shoes doesn't mean that his dad is contributing nearly enough towards the cost of the child.

[aSofaNearYou]

It's essentially on your partner. If she won't accept what he can offer then he needs to either earn more (which would be ideal as he does have a child to provide for that will cost more than £30- the other child is a red herring) or leave it, as she has refused his offer. What you earn shouldn't come into it and you shouldn't be expected to put in any of your own money into their child. You should not be subsidising his maintenance so he can set up his own business, and if you don't want to you are well within your rights to say so.

[Yetanotherwinter]

30 quid a week is hardly anything. Just because it’s more than you get off your ex it doesn’t mean it’s sufficient. My husband was paying more than that to his ex 20 years ago.

[Intensicle]

The CMS payments are the minimum legally required payment. They’re not a goal or a reflection of the cost of raising a child. Whatever the mother does or doesn’t do, do you not think the child’s father should contribute to the cost of his upbringing?

[Intensicle]

‘The children live with me so I feel it's my responsibility to feed and keep them warm.’

It’s their father’s responsibility too.