She'd Cut her nose off to spite her face

[LJJ17]

DH ex has been nothing but a nightmare for the whole 4 years we've been married, never worked a day in her life cause she's depressed and has had another child, she's 43, so she doesn't have to work (her words not mine)
Basically we have been paying £30per week maintenance for my husbands son and she's decided it's not enough as she has 2 kids now (one isn't anything to do with us) and has reported us to CMS, The ex text me before Xmas asking for our address as SS wanted to send us a card, we were over the moon and thought we'd reached a turning point. What turned up was the CMA papers 
we've received a letter telling us that she is not entitled to anything at all as my earnings aren't taken in to account only DH. And I'm the high earner.

What makes it worse is we aren't allowed to see SS, he won't answer the phone we bought him (he's 9) he lives 2hrs away and his mum has poisoned him against us and has no intention of letting us have any contact.
She has blocked all contact with us and We have stopped all money AIBU?
I've decided instead to put the money in a separate bank account for SS when he's older.
He won't come to our house because we make him eat his dinner (all he has at home is macdonalds and pot noodles) and he's not allowed to stay up until 1am playing on fortnite.
No negative comments please just not sure if I'm going about it the right way.

@BaubleTheLumpOfCoal are you and your cronies doing it with a cackle behind your hands now.. the OP has said about 7 times now that the mother has told them she wants no more CM payments because OPs husband won't pay more for her second child that isn't his ..

Either read the words the OP writes and reel your neck in or for the love of all things precious just shhhh!!

Honestly I totally feel for you, there isn’t anything worse than parents poisoning children against the opposite parent.

We had a similar situation in our family. My parents split up and brother refused to have contact with my dad (he was 12). My father paid £300 child maintenance per month which realistically wasn’t getting spent on his child so in the end we did the same as you and put it in a bank account for him when he’s older. You are not being unreasonable at all, especially considering you’ve been told you don’t need to pay anything and what you’re doing will benefit SS more in the long run

What I would say is get legal advice ASAP, try mediation again and get a contact order agreement drawn up via court if possible whilst your SS is still young, my brother was technically allowed to make his own mind up at 12 (even though he was nowhere near mature enough and it was all based on lies) and consequently we’ve had no contact with him in 5 years.

I hope you get some contact and something sorted out soon!

@Intensicle the minimum CMS payment required was £26 and he was paying £30 before the mother refused payments so he was paying more - who are you to tell anyone how much they should pay for their children?? Especially considering you aren't talking to the father or the
Mother but the step mother.. what do you think is to being gained from attacking her about a financial agreement two other adult people have about a child that isn't hers!?!?!

@ahenderson270 You are a delightful human, aren't you?

Whether the mother says she wants it or not, the dad should still be contributing financially for his child. Not jumping at an opportunity to stop paying his princely £30 a week sum.

No wonder men think they can get away with such shitty behaviour, when there's women out here cheerleading for them

I’m talking about the OP’s own children, quoting her.

Parents should pay towards the cost of raising their children. This is hardly a radical viewpoint

@BaubleTheLumpOfCoal love you are the one who felt it your right and appropriate to verbally attack a woman asking for contact advise without even properly reading what she's written .. you continued to do so over and over and over and over despite the mistake you're making being pointed out to you over and over and over and over ..

They haven't stopped the money, the mother has and as a result they're paying the money into an account in the child's name, presumably with the intention of forwarding it to the child once contact issues are addressed.

I find this staggering that you're so hung up on slating the male parental role for something you'd misunderstood than addressing the parental
Alienation I'd get another father following the birth of a second child to a second father .. 🤷🏻‍♀️ what a special kind of sweetheart you are too!!

I get almost £60 a week from my exh and he's the lowest rank in the army... their pay is terrible. And he has regular overnight contact. 🧐

To be honest, if I knew my ex had my child and was only feeding him pot noodles and McDonalds, I'd be opting for full access. The money would be irrelevant. There's no way I'd be sending money for someone to not look after my child!

’We have stopped all money AIBU?’

They’ve stopped paying towards a child because the CMS calculator says they can. Just because his mother is behaving appalling doesn’t mean the child no longer needs food, clothes etc

If it was really important to see this child it could all be sorted in court for £215.

He's a pretty pathetic specimen if he's not even able and willing to pay £30 a month towards the upkeep of his own child.

That doesn't even cover 50% of the living cost of his child. What your ex pays is irrelevant.

@ahenderson270 I'm not your love, please don't brand me as so.

It's not my fault if you're unable to read between the lines and think in a manner that is not two dimensional.
The CM is no longer being paid to the resident parent - it being in an account is irrelevant, the child's mother can not access it - she is receiving no financial help towards their shared child.

Again, the parental alienation is something the father can fight.
We have courts in this country, these courts process court orders for family matters on a daily basis.
A loving father will not be prevented from seeing his child, I know so and have seen it in my day to day life (in friendship groups as well as a professional capacity.)

I haven't said a bad word about the OP, apart from the fact that it really isn't anything to do with her.
My posts are all regarding the father of this poor little boy who isn't paying any CM (that the mother can access), isn't even attempting to see his child and isn't stepping in to stop his child from being (apparently neglected) with regards to screen time and meals.

He pays £30 a week!!

Christ I could not be married to such a shitty man.

Oops missed a page....so he now pays nothing to help care for is child?

Quite a catch this man isn't he

OP - It sounds like your DH ex is not the greatest parent in regard to how your DSD is being raised. It is sad to hear about your DSD's home life.
However, it is always easier to focus on other people's failings instead of 'getting your own house in order first'

Your DH is also a bad parent because:

1. CM guidelines/ minimum payments are scandalously low and no decent man should be proud of paying that amount towards their own child (or £4 more than the minimum). Your DH should be paying 50% of the real world costs to raise his DS every month without fail.

2. If your DH realised his income would drop significantly by starting his new business, he should have been responsible enough to know he needed to either work a second job or not start that business right now; whilst he is financially responsible for his DS.

I am not meaning to have a go at you OP. But you have no control over what happens in your DSD home with his mother. You do, however, have/had influence the decisions in my two points above.

Lots of 2nd wives with bees in their bonnets about the lazy scrounging ex out in force today 🤔

@MadameButterface 'tis funny, isn't it?

I hate this Pay per View attitude to being a parent. Pay the bloody maintenance .He costs money to feed and keep now ! Bank account is playing games

YABU to have stopped the maintenance. How can she refuse if if you bank transfer it to her? Are you planning on having kids together OP?

Spot on OP. She'll have to get off her arse and get a job like others do.

Sounds like the ex has done a thorough job of parental alienation too. Let her get on with it. Child will hopefully realise how much damage his mother has done when he's older.

When you have a child, you have to make sacrifices. In this case the child's father should have sacrificed setting up a business that wouldn't pay him enough to support his child.

I'd be really surprised if all costs of a radiating a child were written down and it came to £60 a week, so the mother is having to pay way more than the father and provide more care.

I know it'll never happen but I always read threads like this and wish the mother would drop the child off with the dad and swan in and out seeing the child 36 hours a week and paying £30. Maybe if the mothers did it, there would be some laws enacted (and in some aspects current laws actually enforced) to make physical childcare, emotional childcare and financial childcare equal.

1.Op has said multiple times the ex has refused the amount dp was paying and he is putting away this amount for his son. Yes he could continue to transfer money but maybe he gave her cash?
2.The child's mother could save her self a lot of money by allowing access!
The notion that they should pay 50% of her outgoings is a bit silly really and where would you draw the line?
Yes op's partner should go down the legal route, maybe they would ideally like 50:50 contact? Whatever, any regular contact would reduce her outgoings. Although it sounds like her dps ex wouldn't like that because she is more interested in how much she can increase her income rather than the benefits of her son being brought up by both of his parents.

I made a similar remark on another thread on her and got verbally attacks for my view that kids don’t need phones

Actually what you did was making a sweeping statement that it is madness to give children phones and when a possible reason for doing so was pointed out to you, you launched a personal attack on my parenting.

She has never worked a day in her life due to depression and now seems to have a young child who she cares for. Yet she is painted as some kind of work shy scrounged. Your DH earns 50 quid a week? Is there a valid reason he can’t work more to support his child?

Perhaps she thought 30 a week was low and didn’t believe his earnings were as low as he said. It’s a pitiful amount and I would expect a working age adult to be able to contribute more. I can’t blame her for wanting a proper evidence based calculation.

Working so little that you can only contribute 30 a week for your child is embarrassing unless he has some genuine issue.

Re: contact, make a court application. She doesn’t show up to mediation, then issue proceedings. It isn’t complicated. Contact isn’t linked to contribution... which is just as well if he can only manage to earn 50 a week.

No negative comment? Sorry but are you really expecting people to agree with you?

Where did the £30 a week figure come from? That’s a very small amount of money for maintenance. Your husband should have a greater sense of responsibility for his Son. He should be paying more and if the CMS say he doesn’t have any liability at all (which I highly doubt, you say you are the higher earner not that he doesn’t earn at all) that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t pay. He could have carried on paying the £30 a week.

£30 a week in a bank account for when your SS is older isn’t helping to raise him now.