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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays

508 replies

HotChocolateLover · 07/08/2019 17:19

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

OP posts:
Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:07

It isn't about asking for an amount. Ideally, she'd see what you're trying to do house wise (nice place to live,enhance assets) and how that will ultimately benefit all the children and she'd offer what help she can..be that financial or otherwise. You'd do the same for her.

It's literally just being nice to someone for the sake of your kids. It isn't anything special or hippy dippy or polyamorous. Honestly. It's just being nice for less than altruistic reasons. That's it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:07

a cuppa sounds like a good idea though...…. Brew

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:08

The fact that being nice to a co-parent/ex is so alien speaks a lot of the state of humanity. It's sad.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:09

lol, I think I would get a door slammed in my face if I suggested she should help me make more money out of my house!

tbh she owes us a bloody fortune anyway so when dss is 18 she probably will be enhancing my assets...… [smug]

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:10

would you be nice to someone who told you they wanted to kill your baby?

didn't think sooooooo!

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 11:12

I’m just interested to know how much I could be swindling dp's ex for

As much as you see fit! Get the most expensive wallpaper and sparkliest chandelier and send her the bill Wink It’s all for the kiddos.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:13

bright yes, I am thinking I might have the garden landscaped by titchmarsh himself, for the benefit of dss, of course.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:16

I've already said that your partner obviously has a type.

On this forum, there are lots of people who aren't yet step parents but could be one day. If I influence one person to think that relationships/blended families don't have to be war and toxicity, I'm happy.

A parent doesn't have to think "well i can't help my ex decorate on top of maintenance because I'm in a serious relationship with someone else". It's absolutely ridiculous. You guys mocking me for thinking that hopefully highlight the mentality behind that kind of thinking.

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 11:16

Yep. All plans to improvement should just revolve around the dscs. If you put a baby swing in the garden it might get in the way and that’s not fair.

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 11:18

"well i can't help my ex decorate on top of maintenance because I'm in a serious relationship with someone else".

He or she might be putting every extra penny in to their own house for their family to live in.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:22

please can you explain how you know he has a "type"

what "type" would that be?

your previous comment got deleted for being offensive, so... what does that say?

i don't think anyone should be obliged to decorate the ex's home to be honest. If they want to, fab. If they don't, then they don't have to.

Courtney555 · 13/08/2019 11:22

Contemplates new t-shirt....

"I block paved my husband's ex wife's drive."

Sotiredofthislife · 13/08/2019 11:23

afaik it isn't other than the fact she hasn't decorated but I am not sure its exactly a social services issue

I haven’t decorated. I can’t afford to. I blew my budget on knocking down walls, putting in a kitchen and putting in double glazing. Some unexpected issues mean the budget was well and truly blown. My hallway needs redecorating and my kitchen needs flooring as a result. Bottom line is the house is still clean and (sort of) tidy and I am working 3 jobs to try and put the money together to afford the flooring and wallpaper I want. My taste is expensive and I am blowed if I am paying someone to do it on the cheap whilst I save...! According to ex that makes me a slattern but hey ho, it’s just me so it’s a slow process!

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:23

and I've already said that both me and dp have always wanted an amicable relationship with the ex. Neither of us have ever said a bad word to her, or in front of dss.

So, go on, please tell me how i am just. like. her.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:24

Courtney Grin

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:25

Well, call me Right Winged but if you can't afford to have the first family you created in a decent home, what business do you have committing to another set of dependents? Especially if some of those dependents are ones that came with the new partner.

Yes, I support my stepdaughter in lots of ways but I'd never have got into a relationship with someone with children who wanted children if I was struggling to give my oldest child a decent quality of life. Any reservations I did have about how this would be managed were alleviated by knowing my current partner and his ex share my philosophy.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:25

sotired are you me Grin

why are walls and kitchens so expensive goddamit!!

we have loads left to do, but apparently i should be sending ex money to do up her house, and she should be doing up mine. I think she's got the short straw here..

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:27

I can imagine she interacted just like you until she became the "woman scorned". You know, aggressive sarcasm and jibes when their perception of reality is challenged which finally culminates in uncontrolled bouts of rage.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:27

kewl the house was decorated when dp lived there, it hasn't been since he left. Since then we have bought and done up and sold 1 house, and bought another to do up.

We can clearly afford it, ex can afford to do hers, like i said, she doesn't want to. I cant force her!

Even if i gave her £1000 tomorrow, i couldn't guarantee she would spend it on her house!

This is nothing bad on DP....

AE18 · 13/08/2019 11:28

I think we all need a "discussing and dissecting @Kewl's world views" thread because fascinating as it is I get the impression OP is getting annoyed with all this discussion that isn't about holidays at this point.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:28

uncontrolled bouts of rage

yeah, that's not what is happening here....

i can absolutely guarantee that i will never threaten to kill any babies though..

hey maybe i should have that put on a tshirt? that's a good'en.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:28

yes thats prob a good idea ae18

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:29

Well maybe not until someone gets with you ex partner/co-parent, perhaps. That's when the rage will come. Like it did with her. Remember she was perfectly amicable before all that?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:31

no kewl i still wouldn't threaten babies.

I have split with people in the past and not turned into a raging moron.... i am pretty sure i could manage it again.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:31

i would wish luck to anyone who wanted to marry dp and take on a toddler, dss and his barmy ex girlfriend tbh!

i would be grateful someone else had to deal with the mad bitch instead of me Grin

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