Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Or it could be painting a wall. It could be putting up shelves.

Those cost next to nothing. Seriously, why can’t some people just put their hands in their own pockets and pay for these non expensive things themselves??

Why does it have to be either/or. It might mean that instead of a mansion, I live in a manor house so my kids can live in a 3 bedroom private rental.

Which is something along the lines of what I think he should do.

Or as I'm sure I said somewhere on this thread, it might mean not going to the Maldives 1st class so you can help your ex take the kids with her to Spain instead of Clacton.

so you think he should downgrade his house so that he can upgrade his ex wifes house? at absolutely no cost to her?

do you think his new partner (Who may well fund said mansion) would feel about that? or her children?

I wouldn't help the ex have a better holiday, house, anything tbh. That's totally on her, and vice versa I wouldn't expect her to fund anything for us either.

This is why maintenance is a thing.

Or as I'm sure I said somewhere on this thread, it might mean not going to the Maldives 1st class so you can help your ex take the kids with her to Spain instead of Clacton.

Lol. What’s wrong with saving up to go to Spain?
What about if the SM is paying towards her family holiday? Why should she work her butt off and have to settle for Benidorm when she can afford Maldives 1st class? I don’t think many people would appreciate being told they’re not allowed to go because the ex deserves a holiday in Spain with her children. Like I said, save up.

And also, if they did do as you’ve suggested, then why does the child then have to come on a second holiday? Why should the dad pay for one of his children to go on two foreign holidays and his other children one holiday? It would jut make things even more messy.

Insanity. People are responsible for themselves and the choices they make.
End of.
Save up, buy second hand, shabby chic stuff - my entire bedroom furniture cost 35 quid and 30 quid of paint plus a days time from a local auction. It's fabulous and I love it.
Plus I have some pride in doing stuff myself.
People are responsible for their own financial planning, the fact that some people are bad at it is their repsonability.

To get back to your original question OP.. if it is (as many first families assert ) about ensuring your DSC spending quality TIME with their father then holidays don't really have to enter into it.
If you can't afford a holiday with all then you go with your DH and your child . As long as they have had some kind of holiday with their mum/aunties/gps / whoever.. That is fair. It is NOT fair that your child doesn't have a holiday. Anymore than it would be fair to go ONLY with him if your DSC had not had a holiday. Every child has a break.

Then your DH has some time off to spend with his children. And therefore evens up the quality time issue.

And of course your DH should holiday with you. I've seen it suggested that the 'new' wife /dp should go on her own with her kids so that the DHs kids don't feel rejection. This is nonsense. He is your OH and YOU also have the right to a holiday with your partner.
It really shouldn't always be about the kids.

Parents also need holidays to relax and reconnect. This makes them happier and contributes towards stabler relationships which is good for a family unit . Blended or otherwise.

@Kewlwife

Yes because you happen to have that much money, as does the father in your story.

In my case, paying for my partner's exes house or holiday would mean not being able to pay for either for ourselves. That's why it makes sense for everyone to fend for themselves.

For you, randomly dishing out money to your ex so they can have something nicer could be done with only the loss of the topmost layer of luxury for yourself, so no biggie. For us, it would cripple us, and her ideas of luxuries are more lavish and frequent than ours.

We are not talking about people who can afford to pay for their ex to go somewhere as long as they themselves don't go first class, we are talking about people who cannot go at all if they pay for their ex.

Applying your own logic of everyone being a group and chipping in to OPs case, I would argue that saying "well we can either afford to both take all the kids on a cheap holiday in the uk, or one of us could take one set abroad and the other could take the other so everyone gets a luxurious holiday" actually makes a lot of sense.

@Fontofnoknowledge

*And of course your DH should holiday with you. I've seen it suggested that the 'new' wife /dp should go on her own with her kids so that the DHs kids don't feel rejection. This is nonsense. He is your OH and YOU also have the right to a holiday with your partner.
It really shouldn't always be about the kids.

Parents also need holidays to relax and reconnect. This makes them happier and contributes towards stabler relationships which is good for a family unit . Blended or otherwise.*

I think this is a really, really good point. Personally, I think parents need holidays more than kids do, since on top of work they spend so much of their time focused on the kids and everything that goes along with that. This really shouldn't be extended to holidays to the extent that it's immaterial of the adults get a holiday they enjoy or even together, the life of a parent shouldn't constantly about sacrifice. These are the people that most need to unwind.

Plus didn't OP say she has epilepsy so couldn't go without another adult? She needs the support of her husband, insisting he must stay behind is basically saying she has to too.

She did say that ref epilepsy.
Seriously op just book a cheap deal!

But if I didn't have the money, I would still offer to paint a wall or put up shelves. Money just happens to be one of my tools.

But the less money a person has, life becomes that bit more stressful. Maybe they have no patience for an ex who thinks they deserve anything and everything.

You have money so life seems to be peachy for you and you have more time for people.

I would probably have lots of money if I had several husbands too!

I don't have any husbands.

The reason I have as much expendable income as I have is through having this mentality and finding like minded people.

ok apologies, partners?

whatever but lets face it - the more adults in 1 relationship or family or whatever, the more money.

The reason I have as much expendable income as I have is through having this mentality and finding like minded people

Oh no there’s more of you??
I think I’d be running for the hills from your ex.

I've got a live in partner/co-parent and a very new partner who doesn't coparent my kids or live with me and likely never will outside of necessity. My live in partner has a girlfriend who lives elsewhere with her wife. They don't have children. They do contribute sort of like a very involved Aunt to the children. Neither me or my partner are involved sexually or romantically with her wife. As we are financially stable, their input is more practical and physical in terms of improving our QoL. Making sure we have regular date nights. Things like that.

My live in partner and I both have exes who do what they can to help us and vice versa.

So it isn't like we have ten adults all working and living in one house so we can create a Kingdom.

So you have a partner you live with and a partner you don’t live with.
Your live in partner has a girlfriend who lives elsewhere with her wife.

I’m just so confused right now I must have read that wrong somewhere.

No you didn't. I have a thread in AMA www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3662276-Im-polyamorous-ask-me-anything

Maybe direct any more questions about how it all works in terms of holidays or anything else there.

oh god that sounds like a nightmare.

It can be. Then you remember that some people literally haven't been out on an adult date for months/years and thank God for your metamours regular movie nights with the kids.

I didn't mention polyamory to bash you for it @Kewlwife, it's obvious it works well for you, though it would be my absolute nightmare.

Funnily enough, when I first said "I am not polyamorous" I didn't actually realise that you were, I thought you just had quite bizarre and unusually relaxed standards from a monogamous partner.

But this is what they are, which is why it is relevant that you come from that bubble, because a lot of the solutions you suggest are just not acceptable to do when you have a monogamous partner, and you will never convince people they are by calling them petty for the very widespread requirement that they be invested in your home and family and let go of that investment to anyone else's.

But not everyone who lives with these philosophies is polyamorous. I reckon more of them might be Buddhist leaning, perhaps. But not necessarily polyamorous.

How does helping your ex relate to polyamory? Ex means the same thing for poly people.