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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays

508 replies

HotChocolateLover · 07/08/2019 17:19

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
HotChocolateLover · 13/08/2019 08:56

Thank you for the posters who have put such useful points but could we stop talking about sex? There’s a dedicated board for that. To be clear, the irrelevant comment related to that. Most comments have been very relevant and taken on board by both me and DH.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 08:57

I look after both kids in my house

they have nice bedrooms in my house, clothes in my house, toys in my house. have nice outings when with us etc etc

if dss mum wants to parent him differently (and she does!) she can, and it isn't my problem until it becomes obvious that its getting to the stage where its neglect, and that's where I step in

I would not pay to furnish her house.

I would not expect her to pay for mine. In fact, other than the kids bedrooms and the kitchen, my house at this moment is horrendous, because we bought it off a 90 year old couple who hadn't lived there for over a year. Should I ask the ex to send a blank cheque so dss doesn't have to live with the woodchip for a second longer?

Spanglyprincess1 · 13/08/2019 09:08

I had wooden cladding on mibe again 85 year old couple and it had storage heaters. I feel your pain!
It will be fab once finished though.
I've got kitchen left as most expensive room... I call it the hovel as it's formika lol in cig staines cream (vile).
It will get done when I can save the 10k to do it.

Op... There are some. Ace summer sales on at moment I saw a 3 or 4 star all inclusive in summer hols for 650 a head. Looked decent on tui and first choice.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 09:13

oh yikes! I feel entirely lucky that it had central heating when we moved in! its a 70s nightmare. We had to do the kitchen first (after the kids rooms) because it was essentially a corridor and we had to knock through. Everything else is going sloooooooowly now because every other room is woodchip and it takes a long time to get the shite off!!

ours will be done eventually. We lovingly refer to it as "woodchip paradise"

maybe asking the ex for a few ££ is a good idea actually...…… Grin

Spanglyprincess1 · 13/08/2019 09:22

We lived at my mom's for a month as it was easier with a crawling baby than trying to paint round them and gloss
Good luck. Woodchip is a bugger as is artec ceiling painted in satin... The horror

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 09:27

maybe asking the ex for a few ££ is a good idea actually...……

Well if exes are supposed to be helping each make nice homes for the kids then why not? Surely she should be coming helping with decorating and giving you some money for nice new furniture. Wink

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 09:36

He's not helping you. He's giving your kids as nicer place to live as their parents can give them. Why do you see it as helping you?

If that’s the way you want to twist it fine.

Whoever’s house is it’s their responsibility to decorate and maintain, nobody else’s Whoever chooses to help them to decorate it, is helping them, not the children. Because the children aren’t capable of doing it. Whether that’s their friend, ex, mum, dad, neighbour etc... How come when it’s the ex it’s suddenly some expectation to help? They have their own house to see to just like anyone else.

The only way I could get my house to a better standard now is to pay someone to do it. And now that my ex has fucked off and I have more money in the pot I can afford to pay for it.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 10:27

Wouldn't you want your kids to live somewhere nice, even if you're not strictly obliged to? Would you ask a neighbour for financial help decorating?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 10:31

yes, I would like my kids to live somewhere nice. That's why my house (will eventually be!) nice. If ex wants to live in a shit hole, that's her prerogative. I know she has enough money to have a nice house, but if she chooses to spend that money on getting shitfaced, that's her choice but equally I am not willing to throw more money at her so she can have a nice house. Her priorities are hers, mine are mine.

Why would I ask a neighbour for financial help decorating?

Anyone who doesn't live in the house or have financial responsibility for the house doesn't have responsibility towards the upkeep or decoration of the house imo.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 10:34

If I had an ex that preferred to get drunk over improve the living conditions of our children, I'd be the resident parent and wouldn't rest until I was. But that's probably because I'm polyamorous or something.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 10:35

The poster before suggested a neighbour as a possible source of help.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 10:36

kewl she goes out on the nights dss is with us or his grandparents... what can I legitimately do about that? take her to court?

dss isn't bothered by it hence why he moved back in with her. She doesn't have a problem, but that's how she chooses to spend her money. Should I force her into john lewis of a weekend or what?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 10:37

in fact kewl I could spend £££ taking her to court, get laughed at by a judge, who would be told by dss that he wants to live with her (because he is a lazy shit too and there is no rules or chores at her house - a 15yos dream!!)

where would that get me?

i'd have less money and dss would still live with his mum in her house that's not been decorated for 10 years.

I suppose you've a solution that I should just pay for her house redecorating and her nights out eh!

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 10:42

The poster before suggested a neighbour as a possible source of help.

But why would I ask for financial help from them? I’d be asking for physical help. If anything I would be paying them for their trouble if they helped me decorate. And if my ex came to decorate my home believe it or not I’d pay him too, and my mum, my dad, my best friend. It’s the considerate thing to do because they’re taking the time out to come and help you.

I mentioned neighbour because a neighbour isn’t obliged to help you decorate your home, just like an ex isn’t obliged to help. It’s always a favour you can ask, but it’s equally ok to say no do it yourself.

Sotiredofthislife · 13/08/2019 10:52

she goes out on the nights dss is with us or his grandparents... what can I legitimately do about that? take her to court?

Why would you need to do anything about an adult who goes out when there are no children to care for?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 10:54

well exactly sotired I don't care what she does in her spare time, though apparently according to kewl I should!

i'd care if she was an alcoholic and it was negatively affecting dss' life, but afaik it isn't other than the fact she hasn't decorated but I am not sure its exactly a social services issue....

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 10:55

I'm talking about helping a less wealthy ex/co-parent decorate their home with your child by financially helping. Practical help would be beneficial too.

No we wouldn't expect payment because they'd help you too. Trading skills/tools. Some people have money as a tool.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 10:57

she is less wealthy than us, but chooses to spend her money on other things, why should I subsidise it when she could do it but simply doesn't want to?

should she be helping us do our house up, kewl?

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 10:58

It doesn't have to be a SS issue.

This reminds me of the arguments that Americans who are against an NHS type system make: "what about when your taxes pay for a bum's healthcare?"

I just want my kids to have (a) nice home(s). If that means my help let's their other parent(s) piss about a bit,so be it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:00

so i'll ask again kewl should she be contributing to doing our house up?

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 11:00

Yes! Why wouldn't she? I just spoke about how I helped my ex (who ended our relationship and moved out) set up his home even though my son was based here.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:02

how much should I be asking her for, then?

I think she would probably argue that it was our choice to buy a doer upper.. (which it was, I didn't ask her if it was ok!)

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 11:05

Ok then what if it’s the nrp’s house that is less wealthy then? Shouldn’t the rp pay for them to have a nicer house with heir other parent if it’s also the children’s home?

People always shout about how children need their own space in the nrp’s house but what if they can’t afford to provide that extra space or to decorate it to a nice standard for them for when they stay? Maybe the rp could help out financially and physically if they’re so bothered about it.

Courtney555 · 13/08/2019 11:05

Wondering exactly why anyone is trying to have a sensible or rational conversation with the poster "kewl" ...slight waste of time there methinks.

When everybody finds those views nonsensical and bizarre, it's, well, because they are. Why you're trying to explain what is perfect common sense and what happens in the real world, to someone who can't understand, for so long, is just a bit futile.

It's not the real world or anything like how it operates. Everyone knows that. She's probably knows that too. She won't concede though.

Have a cuppa. I am. Much more productive Smile

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/08/2019 11:07

im just interested to know how much I could be swindling dp's ex for Grin

somehow I don't think she will be forthcoming and I shall be stripping woodchip wallpaper for the rest of my life Grin

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