My wife hates my daughter. It’s tearing me apart.

[Sqf27q]

My wife and I married 6 months ago.
She has a 17 year old daughter who lives with us full time.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us 2 nights a week on average.

Ever since I proposed to my wife 18 months ago my daughter has just stopped interacting with her. When she comes and stays she says hello and goodnight/goodbye and that’s about it. When asked why she says she doesn’t know and is reluctant to talk about it. I’m sure her mother has said something to cause this but both her and my daughter deny this.

It’s causing massive stress and arguments in the house. My wife dreads the time my daughter stays with us. There have been instances where she has banned her from staying overnight and tries to alter or cancel the allocated time my daughter stays.

When my daughter is with us my wife never wants to do anything with us. 2-3 days befor she will start an argument and the whole weekend is spent walking on egg shells with me trying to give both of them equal attention, something my wife claims I rarely achieve.

My wife’s 17 year old daughter and I get on well and I always make an effort to involve myself in her life and take an active interest in her wellbeing. (Her natural dad died when she was 5) I try my best to me a positive male influence.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her and I struggle to listen to it. I rarely talk to my wife about my daughter and any contact between me and my daughters mother is always done away from my wife as she massively resents her.

I understand it is upsetting for my wife to be ignored in her own house by my daughter and I have tried everything to get to the bottom of the reasons why. But I feel the relationship between my daughter and I is deteriorating and I’m petrified she will one day say she doesn’t want to come and stay because of my wife.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else have a similar situation or any advice ?

This is bizarre. Why are most posters so keen to believe evil of the stepmother, yet unwilling to believe that op’s ex could possibly have said anything negative to her dd about op and his wife??!

Totally irrelevant - the new wife’s behaviour towards a six year old is categorically unacceptable regardless of what the Mum has or hasn’t said - as is her embarrassingly needy desire to have ‘equal attention’ during the poor child’s two days with her dad, her being ‘derogatory’ about the child and ‘banning’ the child from her house. The child is blameless the stepmother is being a childish, needy twat who clearly shouldn’t have married a (decent) father.

Prioritise your child.

I don't think anyone has asked this (I have read the full thread and didn't see it.)

Are you a man or a woman @Sqf27Q ?

In your original post - the only one you have posted - you don't say if you are male or female.

I also think there is some key information missing, like the fact your daughter has blackballed your wife for 18 months. Why???

Obviously this cannot continue as your child is only 6, but I don't feel like we are getting the full story.

chips and gin. Imagine the mother telling her daughter to give stepmum the silent treatment for 18 months. What is that doing to the child, never mind the new family dynamics. It would make the ex one bad parent.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her

I'd.pick up my 6yo girl, turn my back on that 'wife' and never see the fuck again.

Ones a child, ones an adult. Guess which needs to fucking grow up and pull her head out her arse... I'll give you a clue... It's not your daughter.

Your daughter is six. Six!
I feel so sorry for her.

You need to stand up for your daughter. Your wife is a grown woman and I feel sad for your daughter.

It's pathetic and heartbreaking and you must protect your little child.

All we have is op’s word to go on

(as with any other thread started by a poster!)

@too sassy and @starburst have it absolutely right here. Listen to their advice, it is sound and it is constructive. You owe it to your daughter and your wife, at least to try to step up to the plate and sort this out. You should have done it long ago OP.

@justasking111 absolutely agree - nothing to say the OP hasn’t got a consistently poor taste in women & the Mum is poisonous too!

However, the child is still blameless and the new wife’s behaviour still unacceptable for all the reasons stated above. If both the Mum & stepmum are self-centred, needy, nasty people then all the more reason for the OP (male or female) to step up & be a decent parent..,

I think your daughter sounds scared of your wife remaining quite and says she does not know why, she will pick up on the tension poor kid.

Do you never have your daughter for a few consecutive days? I would have expected that after a few days together, things would thaw a little and there be some progress if your wife was making an effort, surely? Does a 6 year old really hold a grudge like that on the say so of a parent, once they are with the other person for a period of time, being treated kindly, without the parent pulling strings?

Wow.

You know exactly what you need to do: priortise your 6 year old daughter and tell your wife to act like a grown up or get the hell out of your lives.

I cannot believe you are subjecting your little girl to this shitty, hostile behaviour. If you don't sort this out, you are going to lose her when you're older. She won't want anything to do with the parent who allowed her to be treated this way by a spouse.

I had a step dad who was like this with me op. I was only a kid - what did I know? My mum should've stuck up for me and made him leave.

As soon as your daughter gets old enough she will choose to not see you anymore. You have to prioritise your daughter and end things with your wife. She's an adult and is acting horrifically towards a small child.

Your wife’s DD didn’t have a father from 5, she is jealous that your Dd does.

Anyone who could be unkind or derogatory about a six year old is a terrible person in my view.

I've re-read. Trying to ban your child from the house is appalling. The child doesn't want to interact with her for whatever reason, so be it. Sort it or live with it, That's still your young child and your home. If OP and his DSD didn't get on, does anyone think^ the wife would accept her child ^ being banned?

Op has got what they wanted, complete vilification of their wife. Probably showing their wife this thread. I'm guessing op won't be back

"Ever since I proposed to my wife 18 months ago my daughter has just stopped interacting with her. When she comes and stays she says hello and goodnight/goodbye and that’s about it. When asked why she says she doesn’t know and is reluctant to talk about it. I’m sure her mother has said something to cause this but both her and my daughter deny this. "

Why are you so sure her mother has said something to cause this? Because reading your OP I got a very different picture.

"Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her and I struggle to listen to it." And your wife "massively resents" your ex. Do you seriously think your daughter will not have picked up on that? Children that age are like little sponges to all the emotional currents swirling around them, and I seriously doubt your wife reigns her resentment in that much when your daughter's around. So your daughter has withdrawn into herself.

Your wife doesn't 'dread' your daughter's visits. She straight-up dislikes her being there, dislikes your attention not being solely on her.

"There have been instances where she has banned her from staying overnight and tries to alter or cancel the allocated time my daughter stays."
Man the fuck up. Your job as a parent is to protect your child, in this instance from her unloving and resentful stepmother. Put a stop to this NOW before your daughter becomes your estranged daughter.

Look at what you wrote. "When my daughter is with us my wife never wants to do anything with us. 2-3 days before she will start an argument and the whole weekend is spent walking on egg shells with me trying to give both of them equal attention, something my wife claims I rarely achieve." And yet your blame your ex for your daughter's withdrawn behaviour around your wife? Really? Your wife is trying to drive your daughter away, and it sounds as if she is succeeding.

Your child needs you to stand up for her. You need to prioritise her over your wife, and if your wife was a decent person, that wouldn't be a problem. She is the adult, and if she cannot act like one then you - YOU - need to reassess your marriage.

You need to choose which of them you want a relationship with. I hope it’s your daughter.

Your daughter is only 6, what a horrible atmosphere for her to be around. Your wife needs to grow up.

How hard can it be to engage with a six year old child? Get some paints out and talk to her while painting or draw, colour in with crayons, go to the park, make a cake or cookies, play games, read books etc etc. I understand kids can be shy or difficult but it’s not brain surgery and your wife already has a daughter.

Are you going to answer whether you're a man or a woman OP?

Are you going to answer anyone at ALL?

I am divorced from my children's dad who lives with his gf. When my kids saw the gf there were a lot of arguments and problems with her (which led to her going to her parents for every contact but that's another story). Personally I'm convinced that a lot of the problems weren't between the kids and her - they couldn't/wouldn't talk to their dad about their feelings so it was easy to take it out on her. Years later they still have a relationship where nothing more meaningful than what to eat for dinner is discussed. My oldest doesn't speak to him, #2 plans to stop contact once she goes to uni )she goes out of guilt) and #3 is indifferent to him but goes to keep #2 company.

If she stopped talking when the engagement was announced then I would assume that she was angry/jealous about the situation. I know from experience that sibling rivalry can cause strong feelings and she probably felt confused about her position in the family because she was gaining a stepsister and stepmum. Stepmum is an easy target.

What did you do? Did you get dsd some professional help to work through her feelings? Your wife certainly needs some counselling too as she is being a bitch to your dd. I can't believe that you could love someone who hates your dd. (Hate is your word )

OP did say something about being 'male role model'.

I’ve got a six year old dd, and a boyfriend who is not her dad. I made it clear to him from day 1 (more or less) that we come as a package, and that while I don’t for a minute expect him to be a second father to her, he will have a significant role in her life and upbringing if we stay together, and I couldn’t be with a man who was unwilling to shoulder that. He absolutely steps up to the plate, for which I am hugely grateful, and their relationship is lovely, in large part because of the effort he puts in to that. I respect him enormously for it. But also I could not even contemplate being with a man who wouldn’t take this responsibility on.

At the same time I don’t expect him never to criticise her. She’s a great kid but has her faults like all kids, and I have no objection at all to him discussing any issues with me - indeed he’s really helped me to see some issues more clearly and to be more consistent in my boundaries with her (he’s had lots of kids - she’s my only one - so it’s good to get his perspective to be honest.) BUT that is totally different from him “hating” her. He says he cares for her and is committed to her, as he is to me. If I once suspected him of hating her, I’d have no choice but to end the relationship immediately. And that’s my advice to you, OP.

If someone treated my child like that, they'd be getting a boot up the arse straight towards the front door