My wife hates my daughter. It’s tearing me apart.

[Sqf27q]

My wife and I married 6 months ago.
She has a 17 year old daughter who lives with us full time.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us 2 nights a week on average.

Ever since I proposed to my wife 18 months ago my daughter has just stopped interacting with her. When she comes and stays she says hello and goodnight/goodbye and that’s about it. When asked why she says she doesn’t know and is reluctant to talk about it. I’m sure her mother has said something to cause this but both her and my daughter deny this.

It’s causing massive stress and arguments in the house. My wife dreads the time my daughter stays with us. There have been instances where she has banned her from staying overnight and tries to alter or cancel the allocated time my daughter stays.

When my daughter is with us my wife never wants to do anything with us. 2-3 days befor she will start an argument and the whole weekend is spent walking on egg shells with me trying to give both of them equal attention, something my wife claims I rarely achieve.

My wife’s 17 year old daughter and I get on well and I always make an effort to involve myself in her life and take an active interest in her wellbeing. (Her natural dad died when she was 5) I try my best to me a positive male influence.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her and I struggle to listen to it. I rarely talk to my wife about my daughter and any contact between me and my daughters mother is always done away from my wife as she massively resents her.

I understand it is upsetting for my wife to be ignored in her own house by my daughter and I have tried everything to get to the bottom of the reasons why. But I feel the relationship between my daughter and I is deteriorating and I’m petrified she will one day say she doesn’t want to come and stay because of my wife.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else have a similar situation or any advice ?

It's sad to read that wife will cause arguments before your daughter comes to stay and I got the impression she expects equal attention... Surely your daughter should get all of your attention considering you see her twice a week.

Put your foot down with your bitch of a wife, how could anybody be married to someone who is awful about A CHILD. your daughter is A CHILD.

Different perspective.
The catalyst for this was the marriage announcement 18 months ago. This might have left you DD feeling something that hasn't been resolved. Hence the behaviour to your wife. You should've checked that. Could it be becuase your DD plays up and when your wife tries to address it with you (maybe what you are calling derogatory) the comments / actions arise?

You need to talk to your DD, maybe go on a day trip and get her to open up. Maybe a few times before you broach the subject.

Your daughter is only six. She is a little girl. Your wife is acting like a child when she is a grown woman. She is being very cruel towards your daughter. You need to protect your daughter from your wife’s negative attitude towards her. If any partner of mine treated my children like that then they would be out door.

Your wife needs to remember that she is supposed to be an adult and needs to behave accordingly rather like a spoilt brat who stamps her own foot and expects to get her own way. Put your daughter first, if you don't then who will?

Your wife is an adult. She needs to take the moral high ground and be fair, reasonable and above all remain kind and welcoming. I don’t believe mum is behind it but even if she is, being consistent and reasonable would, eventually, win out.

My children have put up with my ex’s hostile partner. It was awful for them and entirely unreasonable on her part. Their dad blames me, of course, because he can feel them slipping away. What needs to happen is he puts them first. First sign of unpleasantness oh her part and she should have been out. It took him a year to get rid of her and her abuse towards the children was open and evident. Their relationship will likely never recover. They know his happiness is way more important than theirs.

What makes you think your ex has said something? Your wife has shown that she has a very, very nasty side, so my guess is that she's done something to upset your daughter. Maybe even threatened her not to tell.

You need to prioritise your child.

I couldn’t agree more starburst, it’s interesting how much traffic this negative post picks up when there are so many other posts asking for help/ advice with so little postings.

I think I can agree with the majority of the board on one thing. Leave your wife. I think she is miserable and deeply unhappy. As would I be if I had a partner who thought that this was acceptable behaviour to be allowed to continue for 18 months.

You can’t force a bond. And I do think that if you can afford it, move out, rent a one bedroom place and start having contact with your DD there. Give everyone some breathing space.

But I bet you won’t, because what this comes down to is aside from this, you have a good life. A good bond with the other child and that can only have been achieved with having a loving bond with her mother. Realistically, otherwise a child that age wouldn’t take to you.

But you also won’t because deep down you know that once you’re out, your wife will get her mojo and happiness back and realise she’s better off without this stress in her life.

It’s completely unacceptable that you have allowed this situation to continue for 18 months and your only attempts at dealing with it are to ask your DD what the matter is. Totally lame.

@Oswin nobody's overlooking anything. Nobody's said her behaviour is OK – all that's being suggested (other than BURN THE WITCH!) is dialogue, curiosity and understanding between the adults for the benefit of the child.

Because you're right – the adults are the only ones who can do anything meaningful here. And chucking someone you've married in the bin without trying to fully understand where they're at, however uncomfortable that might be, is no less childish than what the 6 year old is doing in ignoring OP's wife.

@ladybee. Excellent post. Very wise and sensible.

Your wife is derogatory about and resents your six year old daughter? That's not on. Your daughter should come first. I cannot understand why you would be with someone who treats your child like this.

Is the childs mother perhaps the problem, does she bad mouth your wife?

Yeah, OP has clearly outlined his wife’s frankly vile behaviour towards his child and it must be the mother’s fault.

More than likely the mother is mopping up tears and having to keep a straight face when said child begs not to have to go to her dad’s home where she is clearly not welcome.

It is for your wife to build a relationship with your daughter. It's unforgivable that she is not welcoming your daughter into your home with open arms and helping her to feel at home. She needs to get a grip, your daughter is six fgs.

Your daughter is 6 - a child
Your wife is supposedly an adult
Your wife is derogatory towards your child
It sounds like your wife is jealous of and is resentful to a child (your child)

Your wife is being unreasonable, horrible and needs to grow up (does she have any redeeming features?)

I would suggest counselling for you and wife before you kick her to the curb

I take it your wife is an adult? So why is she behaving like a child. I can't believe that her feelings about the six year old only surfaced after the wedding, she should have been honest about how she felt before the marriage. A six year old is going to need parental support for many years to come, her needs must come first.

Do you still love your wife if she is mean to a 6 year old (your 6 year old)

Sounds like a really bad situation, you need professional help if you want to make it work. It has gone on far too long already, call a counsellor urgently.

@viques I can't believe that her feelings about the six year old only surfaced after the wedding there's no mention of this in the OP, nor of the wife's relationship with the child before that (and I think this is important missing information).

The daughter's behaviour started when the OP proposed - they got married a year after that, and it's been another 6 months since.

This is bizarre. Why are most posters so keen to believe evil of the stepmother, yet unwilling to believe that op’s ex could possibly have said anything negative to her dd about op and his wife??!

All we have is op’s word to go on. And he hasn’t answered questions like what was his wife’s relationship like with his dd before he proposed?
Why has he let things go on so long?
Why did he get married before sorting this out?
What has he tried to resolve things?

I'm a step mum too. My stepson was the same age as your daughter when I met my husband. I thought it was imperative that I made an effort and got on with his son. If anything it was easier in those days before hormones and attitudes kicked in! 😬

If she were 16 it might be different, but you can't put your child through this for the next 10-15 years. The child was here first, if the girlfriend can't accept her or seem to like her then, sadly, she's not the right person for you. You need to have a serious chat with your fiancée and sort this one way or another.

You've shite taste in women. Ultimately your daughter comes first so either your wife sorts out the attitude or you walk

I'm wondering what your wife's teenage daughter thinks about the situation, she must have an opinion. I know if my mum had behaved like that towards a little child I'd have been deeply ashamed and would have said so.

In your position, I'd be inclined to get out of this marriage. Your wife is unpleasant and behaving like a child.

Your wife sounds like she needs to grow up.

Why are most posters so keen to believe evil of the stepmother, yet unwilling to believe that op’s ex could possibly have said anything negative to her dd about op and his wife??!

Well the OP himself admits his wife’s poor behaviour.

Speaking as a crazy, deranged, bitter ex....it’s simply not true. He wants me to be upset, he wants it to be all my fault because for as long as he feels able to blame me, he doesn’t have to consider his own behaviour. It’s very common. Ex is also facilitating contact - she’s doing the right thing - trying to keep the relationship going. Hard to see why she would badmouth the new partner and continue contact. It simply doesn’t make sense.

My friend was fed drip drip poison about the new wife by her Mother. For years she believed her Mother as did her siblings. It was only when they grew up they realised how badly they had wronged her.

Ex partners can cause untold grief by doing this. It does untold harm.

Wow - your wife sounds completely unreasonable and selfish. Your daughter is a little girl, 6 years of age, highly impressionable and totally innocent. Whatever your ex may or may not be saying she is not to blame and the fact your new wife would ‘ban’ her from staying overnight would be the final straw for me. How would she feel if you kicked out the 17 year old? Outrageous!