My wife hates my daughter. It’s tearing me apart.

[Sqf27q]

My wife and I married 6 months ago.
She has a 17 year old daughter who lives with us full time.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us 2 nights a week on average.

Ever since I proposed to my wife 18 months ago my daughter has just stopped interacting with her. When she comes and stays she says hello and goodnight/goodbye and that’s about it. When asked why she says she doesn’t know and is reluctant to talk about it. I’m sure her mother has said something to cause this but both her and my daughter deny this.

It’s causing massive stress and arguments in the house. My wife dreads the time my daughter stays with us. There have been instances where she has banned her from staying overnight and tries to alter or cancel the allocated time my daughter stays.

When my daughter is with us my wife never wants to do anything with us. 2-3 days befor she will start an argument and the whole weekend is spent walking on egg shells with me trying to give both of them equal attention, something my wife claims I rarely achieve.

My wife’s 17 year old daughter and I get on well and I always make an effort to involve myself in her life and take an active interest in her wellbeing. (Her natural dad died when she was 5) I try my best to me a positive male influence.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her and I struggle to listen to it. I rarely talk to my wife about my daughter and any contact between me and my daughters mother is always done away from my wife as she massively resents her.

I understand it is upsetting for my wife to be ignored in her own house by my daughter and I have tried everything to get to the bottom of the reasons why. But I feel the relationship between my daughter and I is deteriorating and I’m petrified she will one day say she doesn’t want to come and stay because of my wife.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else have a similar situation or any advice ?

Your daughter need some counselling and support. I would suggest personal one on one therapy for your daughter and family counselling. Your wife has some issues to work through and if she can’t try and do that, I think you should prioritise your daughter.

@toosassy very well said! It makes me feel angry when I look at all the judgmental comments from those who most likely have never been in your wife’s situation and have absolutely no idea what she is going through. Yes, the child is important but so is the wife! Get some professional help!

I also had a stepmother who disliked me as a child - and my mum never slagged her off, I was able to make my own judgements. I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to forgive my dad though for treating me as though I was misbehaving by being cold to my stepmother when looking back, it was extremely clear that she despised me and was often very cruel.

You all need counselling if your wife refuses you have to leave. I suspect you won't as most fathers abandon their children when their wives block out the step child.

This is common and most children suffer from the breakup of their parents and then a second abandonment from the new family. I hope you are strong enough to do the right thing by your daughter.

OP- i have had exactly this with my EX and the then OW.

The contact changing the rudeness about my DCS then 7 and 4 - my eldest recorded them on my ipad he had taken with him!, the list of habits they needed to change etc etc etc.
My DCs hated going but went because they had to. The disparity like you was further compounded when her DCs (same ages) were treated so differently.

This is not about your daughter changing right now - it is about a grown adult, growing up and acting like one- so 2 days per week, you do not prioritise her as much as your daughter - please - how old is your wife. She is not the princess in this family and whether your daughter is disengaging or not - there is NO excuse for derogatory comments ever.

My Ex did the best thing and they split up - he has now discussed quite freely with me, what went on and we have discussed with eldest DC more than youngest. Eldest is now 11 and can articulate the feelings they had then and some of the stuff she did ( unknown to EX). IF you think you are seeing it all, then your wife is doing more subtle stuff, just odd words, looks, moving toys, food DC does not like etc etc. OW said to my eldest - now your mother is out of the picture, don't think you are going to be around much longer. DC is quite clear and has been since his first ON there, that this was said - sounds like your wife is doing the same.

there is nothing worse than as the other parent knowing your DCS are being hurt/damaged and being unable to do anything. YOu have the distinct advantage you can change this - as the RP you have to let your child go into a situation with their other parent and know you can not protect them, because you have no say on what is said/done in the other parents house.

Yes your wife has a right to be happy, but it has to be either in the context of a blended family or she /you leave. People who are saying the 6 yr old needs to change her behaviour first and then the wife follow on - seriously!. 6 yr old react to the situation - this one is saying loud and clear, she is being hurt.

Get up and leave this woman.

I am barely on speaking terms with my Dad these days due to his spinelessness in dealing with his wife's unconcealed hatred of me.
I'm also a step parent myself so do understand that it's not easy, I didn't always love having my SC's around but I'm afraid as the grown up you have to suck it up a bit, be kind (even when you don't feel like it) and make an effort to get on. Mine are grown up themselves now and we are a pretty harmonious blended family.
Your wife and child are unhappy, but it is more in the lap of your wife and you to change this. Unfortunately your ex may also be stirring but to be honest, unless you sort out the resentment at home something will give anyway.

Poor little girl

This is hard in everyone. But especially your daughter. If it’s tearing you apart, can you imagine what it’s doing to her as a 6 YO?

It sounds likely that your ex and your new wife’s dislike for each other is being projected onto your DD. That’s an awful position for a young child to be in.

I’m a step mum to an 8 YO DSD myself and it’s bloody difficult. I DO NOT get on with DSD’s mother and a lot of the time, feel as though we are controlled by her actions and her resentment of me. It’s really, really hard. There have been times where I’ve had to have serious words with myself and remind myself that I’m the adult and DSD is just a child. She is NOT her mother, she is a separate person entirely and should be treated as such.

When there’s a toxic element to a parent-child relationship, bio parent or otherwise, then this needs to be overcome, or at least to the best degree of your ability. Your wife really needs buck her trend of being derogatory towards your DD. If she can’t find a way past it then you really need to prioritse your DD’s well-being. This could donher a lot of damage

Your wife may be hurt and unhappy about DDs behaviour but she is an adult and instead of seeking therapy or help she is behaviour much like a child herself

Her anger and petulance and derogatory comments are dangerous and damaging to both DD and no doubt to you trying to navigate the situation.

Prioritise your DD as she is a child- your child who deserves your help and support

Inform your wife it cannot continue- as the adult she needs to get help to
Manage this. If she truly loves you she would want you to have a relationship woth your DD.

Sorry but your wife sounds really awful I’m this one no matter how hurt she has been. A six year old is very young and if your wife cannot see that I would worry about her strength of character and question if I could be with someone like that

Hello op me and partner have just read your post. I don't know if anyone else has said this but maybe your wife is a little jealous. As you state her daughter dad died when she was 5 so she may be jealous that your daughter who is now around the same age has both her parents. So the jealously may be because her daughter didn't have that because of the passing of her dad.

I think you’re the problem here. It clearly stemmed from your wife being ignored by your child and you’ve allowed it to continue for 18 months. No wonder she’s had enough. I think she’d be a lot happier out of this situation.

Wtf!

FWIW my DSD ignores me a lot of the time despite my trying VERY VERY hard over the years to make things lovely for her when she visits. It turns out that my DSD has autism which has been a missing piece for the past 6 years.
I have felt like your DW at times so I don't judge her as harshly as some people further up the thread do.
It would be really useful to you both to have some family therapy to really discuss this.
Someone needs to calmly ask your DW, "do you think it is important that your DH has a good relationship with his daughter?" "why?" "What could you do to facilitate this?" Where will this journey end between you all if this behaviour towards your DSD continues?"
If your wife has to leave and end her relationship with you in order to free up space to allow you to have a positive relationship with your daughter and give her all the attention se very much deserves.

But it would have to be someone very neutral saying this.

Also read The step parents parachute it talks about triangulation. A dynamic that ocours between bio parents and step parents and the step child. Once you're aware of it, you can name it and it loses its power.

For me though I do plan outings and weekends away when my DSD stays because I need to protect my mental health and Im basically out of my depth in terms of my capacity to deal with irritation of her presence. Im human but I'm curious about how to make it better and I never ever ket on to DSD that I feel this way.

When you are a parent, kids come FIRST. Your wife clearly wants you to choose, and if you choose her over your daughter, you will regret it.

Too late to fix now but once your DD started refusing to engage with DW you should have worked on resolving it BEFORE you got married.

Right now you need couples counselling first to deal with the issues in you marriage, and then you need family counselling once you feel confident that DW wants to actually make things work with DD.

You need to tell your wife that you will not choose between her and your daughter .

Tell your wife to step up the effort regardless of whatever your little girl throws at her because that’s what grown ups do .

My youngest can come off as rude but actually he's just really shy with people and situations he's not comfortable with. He'd be the same as your daughter, one word responses and staying away. It's not ideal and obv he has to remember his manners but I expect your daughter is dealing with things in a similar way and it's just anxious shy behaviour not mean spiteful behaviour.

Your wife sounds unhinged to fixate negatively so much on this small child. Absolutely wrong. Your daughter must come first. I expect it's jealousy.

Your wife should grow the hell up. Your daughter is only 5. A small child. How would she feel if you treated her daughter like that?
Sorry but if anyone I was with treated my son like that I'd dump them.

Wife doesn't sound very nice at all your poor daughter to go through a separation at such a young age and then having to adjust to this new woman in your life is probably affecting her. Spend as much time as you can talking to your daughter, taking her out, having one to one time she needs you, sounds like you also need to talk to your ex wife to get an idea of what she's like at home.

I was half way through and was on your wife's side but when you said the way she acts towards your daughter, that's not acceptable. It's not your daughters fault any of this has happened. You need to sit your wife down and have a serious and frank discussion about your future. How can you marry someone who acts like that? She has some serious issues.

You have obviously talked to your wife, and I suppose she was good enough with your DD to start with as otherwise you wouldn’t have married her.

It is now time to talk to your DD about her ignoring your wife is making her feel. As somebody said above, she is old enough to understand and yes, although her mum could have told her something that makes her feel she is betraying her mother if she is nice to your wife, you also need to address DD’s behaviour. Nobody likes to be ignored regularly especially when some work or other sacrifices are involved like doing things in the house for them (even housework) or not doing anything with you or friends when you are in parenting duties.

How would you deal with this behaviour if you were still with her mum and she was pretending granny didn’t exist when she is spending weekends at her house?

It is not always a Cinderella situation, sometimes it’s just a matter of bad manners.

O was and am your wife my stepdaughter was 6 when I meet my husband her mum an alcoholic drug user and this child very messed up.
I spent a lot of time with her I brought all her clothes helped with her homework took her on days out did over and beyond what her mum and dad did for her.
My repayment was a child who pushed me out her dads life push her way inbethween is not talk to me my 3 daughters or her father saying she wants her mum and dad to herself. So I nahged her father into getting her counselling he didn’t for years.
I’ve had treats from her vile mother as I was doing her job better than her social services put her in our care and I do all her care washing cooking cleaning clothes buying and still this child wants her mum and dad to herself her own worlds she doesn’t want anyone around them so gradually she started saying when she stays at her mums her stepdad her susitaer and her step sibilant who are abit older than her all stay away from her. Then when she’s her the silence she gives is defening now my daughters stay away from her.
It’s now 6 years on she’s nearly 13 she had counselling last year after I told my husband it’s unbearable we both spend hours talking to her trying to sort out why she feels the need to want her parents to herself all we get is I don’t know the counselling she was no better.
Christmas Day her dad brought her an iPhone barely a Thankyou and the atmosphere she made so bad for all of us in the end I asked do you want your dad to yourself and she says yes I asked when now she said yes all the time ...
I leave her dad and her to spend a lot time alone together I now feel pushed out and I go watch tv in my bedroom I still do everything for her her dad works long hours but all these people on her saying dump your partner DONT one day your child will grow up leave home and also if you did dump your partner what message is that giving a child one that she can control your life. Yes she’s 6 but she knows what’s she’s doing ... your wife is doing a selfless thing looking after your child and having to live in her home with a child who is simply not wanting her dad with anyone.
Life flashes past and chikdren need to learn they have to accept the person you love you can’t just end a loving relationship as your child wants to dictate to you as good luck when she’s a teenager and before she will grow up acting the same unless she gets her own way.
I feel for your partner she’s the one who has this hardest.

TanMateix best reply

The only mistake you've made was getting married 6 months ago..

Tell your wife to grow up or get out!

Daughter comes 1st. If the shoe were on the other foot would your wife tolerate your attitude towards her daughter?

Otherwise wait till she is 18 date her daughter and throw your wife to the curb

ZOMBIE THREAD