My wife hates my daughter. It’s tearing me apart.

[Sqf27q]

My wife and I married 6 months ago.
She has a 17 year old daughter who lives with us full time.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us 2 nights a week on average.

Ever since I proposed to my wife 18 months ago my daughter has just stopped interacting with her. When she comes and stays she says hello and goodnight/goodbye and that’s about it. When asked why she says she doesn’t know and is reluctant to talk about it. I’m sure her mother has said something to cause this but both her and my daughter deny this.

It’s causing massive stress and arguments in the house. My wife dreads the time my daughter stays with us. There have been instances where she has banned her from staying overnight and tries to alter or cancel the allocated time my daughter stays.

When my daughter is with us my wife never wants to do anything with us. 2-3 days befor she will start an argument and the whole weekend is spent walking on egg shells with me trying to give both of them equal attention, something my wife claims I rarely achieve.

My wife’s 17 year old daughter and I get on well and I always make an effort to involve myself in her life and take an active interest in her wellbeing. (Her natural dad died when she was 5) I try my best to me a positive male influence.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her and I struggle to listen to it. I rarely talk to my wife about my daughter and any contact between me and my daughters mother is always done away from my wife as she massively resents her.

I understand it is upsetting for my wife to be ignored in her own house by my daughter and I have tried everything to get to the bottom of the reasons why. But I feel the relationship between my daughter and I is deteriorating and I’m petrified she will one day say she doesn’t want to come and stay because of my wife.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else have a similar situation or any advice ?

Your dd is a child whereas your dw is just behaving like one.

The way forward has to be for your dw and yourself to establish a way you can parent together through the difficulties of your dd not talking to your dw.

With the way your wife is behaving I am not surprised your daughter does not want to talk to her.

Yes I have experience of this and brutally put there are two options.

1. your wife is a heartless, cold woman. Leave her.
2. your wife is not a heartless, cold woman but the situation of dealing with a child who comes into her home and ignores her has left her struggling, possibly overwhelmed and thinking ‘what the f* have I done? Is this for the rest of my life?’.

I mean let’s be clear here shall we? This has been going on for 18 months! It’s not a short phase of 2-3 months, it’s 18 months. And as someone who has experienced this for a much shorter period, let me tell you I wouldn’t have made it to 18 months. Because yes. We can all sit there and say, the child is 6, it’s not her fault, she’s having issues reacting to the marriage etc etc. All valid.

But you know what else? This is this woman’s home. And she is in a situation (in her mind) where this situation has been allowed to continue for 18 months and you lack the tools to deal with it.

You say you’ve tried everything. Have you tried counselling with your wife? Have you tried engaging an expert/ experts who can help you/ your wife? Have you suggested play therapy for your DD? (who obviously is either deeply conflicted herself or possibly has heard something from her mother).

You may be miserable but I can categorically tell you that so is your wife. Otherwise she wouldn’t be acting this way. To be repeatedly rejected by a child is really hard to deal with emotionally, whatever the child’s reasons. You say she doesn’t want to spend time with you and your daughter, well let me ask you this, why would she want to? Do you think it feels her with joy the prospect of being completely ignored? So of course she is pushing away and shutting down from the situation.

And yes, it’s great that you have a bond with her DD. But that bond has had the time to grow and I doubt that you have sustained 18 months of being rejected and blanked. When it is a two way street, bonds and relationships can be built. It makes it much easier.

I’ve been in your wives shoes. I am a warm, kind, loving and naturally happy person. When my Dp’s DC went through a phase of this it became intensely stressful. I will also say that my DP didn’t see what he would do every time his DC came. His behaviour would change and the dynamic became that he and his Dc would move in a pack, excluding everyone else. They were in their own world (and fair enough). But when that exclusion effects other DC in the house and your partner, it creates a unhealthy dynamic.

There are many threads on these boards from stepmums feeling excluded. Hating feeling excluded. And it’s not wilful or malice filled.

I just wonder how hard you have tried and how comfortable you have made your wife feel. There may be some brutal things she wants to say that she is afraid to say. But better out than in. Because once she voices how she feels, you can work on it as a team.

18 months of being ignored by a child is unacceptable. And in her shoes I would have ended it by now truth be told. It’s a miserable way to live.

Your wife is an adult, she should understand that a new marriage can be difficult on a child. The fact that she’s altering arrangements and not seeing your daughter will only enforce your daughter to dislike her more. I think you need to have a serious talk to your wife, talking about your child in a derogatory way anyway is unacceptable, but doing it to a 6 year old who’s don’t nothing wrong is appalling

@ladybee28 wise words there.

@OP, your thread title is my wife hates my daughter Do you really, actually really, think that?

I couldn't look at someone who spoke badly about my 6 year old child, let alone stay married to them.

She sounds quite vile. I can't tolerate excuses being made for the actions of adults towards children.

How fucking dare she. Man up OP, and put your little girl FIRST.

Why on earth did you get married if this was the situation? Insane.

You need to talk to them both. Your dd needs to know her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Your wife ...
hard to know if she’s a bitch, or if she’s tried so hard to like your dd abd she’s sick of being ignored.

But you can’t go on like this. Did your dd’s behaviour change the instant you proposed? If so, that’s your answer. How long have you been with your wife? Did she get on ok with your before you proposed?

What have you tried to resolve the situation?

This started when your daughter was only 4. How could you tolerate a grown woman acting in such a nasty way to a little girl? I would seriously rethink my relationship if I were in your position.

I should also add that when this was happening to me, I was petrified that the dynamic would stick and that my DP’s DC would think their behaviour acceptable and it become the norm.

I was not prepared to live that way and that’s not a dynamic I want in my home. My DP And I consulted experts who gave us coping techniques and ideas. We also had some brutally honest chats and got on the same page about how to get through these challenges.

We didn’t even let this dynamic get anywhere close to 18 months! It got tackled and dealt with and the situation is much better for everyone.

I wasn’t at all happy for a while, but I certainly never hated my DP’s DC and I doubt very much that your wife does either. I sense at the bottom of this is frustration (possibly also directed to you), fear (this will be forever), guilt (she knows how she is acting is poor), and a whole host of very powerful emotions.

Why on earth did you marry this womanchild?
Being derogatory, changing planned arrangements, causing fights and shes supposed to be a grown woman, its embarrassing. If your 6 year old was behaving like this I'd say she was unsettled, a bit troubled and it was to be expected of a child who has not learnt to deal with their emotions. As its your wife tell her to grow up and prioritise your daughter and her needs.

@TooSassy gives a lot of food for thought there. I think there's some very good advice here to look at.

I would suggest some family counselling. It needs to be broken down on both sides and start again with baby steps. What does your daughter like doing, could your wife have some 1 to 1 with her out of the house? Doing something that your DD likes and try and build some positive interactions. A trip to the cinema, would be an easier one to start with

So your daughter was 4/5 when this started? Your wife has absolutely no justification for treating your daughter like this. Kids that young say and do stuff that hurts sometimes but they rarely mean it and it is up to the adult in the situation (i.e. your wife) to behave like a grown up.

Had your daughter been a teenager I'd have a different opinion. But at this age when a relationship breaks down it is the fault of the adult involved.

I would NEVER marry anyone who behaved this way towards my child.NEVER.

This is not new behaviour and I dare say your dd sees something in your wife that you are clearly ignoring.

I cannot get over the fact that you married someone who speaks derogatorily about a 6 year old. And that you allow her to 'ban' her from your home. WTF? You've made your choice. Your dd knows it. What exactly do you think you can do now?

HOW the fk is she derogatory ? Your child is 6!!! how dare your wife say anything bad about a 6 year old, your daughter is just a child and shouldnt have anything held against her even if she is ignoring your wife.

You NEED to put your blood before your wife because your wife sounds deranged. To be honest maybe that is why your DD is ignoring her.. maybe she knows what a nightmare your wife really is.

Is the childs mother perhaps the problem, does she bad mouth your wife?

Hold on! Has nobody read the bit where op says his dd has been ignoring his wife for 18 months??

The wife didn’t just start to treat dd badly out of nowhere...

How the fuck can anyone try and defend this woman.
She has banned this little girl from the house. She cancels contact.
She insists he needs to spend equal attention on her when his child is there. Who the fuck does that?
You are letting your child down having this poisonous fucker in her life.

Was your daughter at the wedding?

Your poor daughter. Your wife is not a nice person, I'd have a long hard think about staying with someone who treats a 6 year old that way - seriously.

Prioritise your child & if you actually love this woman then tell her to get a fucking grip and make some changes, pronto or you/she leaves.

Nasty, selfish, self absorbed behaviour on her part & a deal breaker. Giving them 'equal attention', really? Is she really that immature and insecure and fucking needy?

You say you don't know what to do - I'say the answer is blindingly obvious...get out, and fast before it causes permanent damage to your child.

@Sqf27q

With that thread title you've picked a good place to back up your statement that your wife hates your daughter. Most posters will automatically back you, they hate, loathe and despise Stepmothers on here. I'll bet nobody has asked if your current wife was the other woman.
I'll probably get hate mail for this post. Re read the post by Too Sassy, it may help you to understand why the hell is going on

White the child would have been 4-5 then. So the wife bans her from the house. And you think that's defensible.

I can guarantee she never made this child welcome.

You and your DD sound like you are caught between 2 adult women behaving like small children.

Can you stay with your parents or in a hotel when your DD comes to stay? At least that way you are sparing her (and yourself) from conflict.

Why did you marry such an awful woman, your little girl is only six. I am sure she doesn’t say much to your wife because she can feel the hatred towards her.

She is doing it deliberately because she wants to oust your poor little girl. Seeing your DD reminds her that you had a life before her.

Seek family counselling or decide if you want to see your little girl affected for life.

The amount of people that will overlook this awful mistreatment of a tiny child because she is a step mother who is upset. Absolutely ridiculous.