How to tell step-children they can no longer come away with us?

[exwifehell]

Long and short of it is after agreeing we can take them on a family holiday paid for by my parents, exW has since taken it back. There is no time for a court order before final balance has to be paid and I can't expect my parents to take that risk as they have already lost money due to a cancelled wedding thanks to the exW.

They obviously know about said holiday, includes two of their friends (niece and nephew of mine) and our new baby.

This has been done to spite my ex intentionally as he was pushing to finish the clean break order (been left for years and didn't realise once we marry she had a chance to claim on my stuff) .

And no I am not the OW. I met him three years after they separated. We have been together four years. Children very happy here and love their new sibling.

Us not going on the holiday isn't an option either as parents paid for it to celebrate birth of little one and to have family time with us all. And my niece and nephew will already be disappointed enough they aren't coming let alone us as well. We are all very close.

How on earth do we navigate this? The last thing I want to do is hurt them. DF has already stated to exW that it will look terrible to them and that it will leave them feeling not part of the family. No reply.

She has form of pushing my DF out the picture. He has had to go to court already and she ignores the orders.

I believe she has intentionally done this out of spite and to make sure the kids don't feel part of our family (which they are!) . As she got especially nasty since finding out I was pregnant. (Sayi g she shouldnt be born, that DF should leave me) . Encourages the kids to call new guy day etc.

What on earth do we do? I feel so awful for them. I can't believe a mother could spite her own children so much just to get a point score on my DF :(

How old are they?

I'd try for the court order. If you can, pay for the extra yourselves so you aren't risking your parents' money, then go to court and get this ironed out asap.

Court order. Pay for it yourself. If these were my kids I wouldn’t roll over.

7 and 10.

Can't afford to pay the sum ourselves, would be around a thousand and we just don't have it.

Court order wouldn't be here in time regardless.

DF has tried sending multiple emails regarding it all, pointing out how unfair on the kids it will be and how it will hurt them. No reply. She has intentionally waited until the last minute to do this.

Youngest wasn't 100% sure he was up for leaving his mum (she has never allowed them away for longer than a weekend before) . Eldest was more excited.

We had set in motion them to come stay for longer periods with them so they built up confidence. ExW ignored those emails as well.

You don't have much option, but to go without them.

Could he text or email her explaining how they've been looking forward to it and please let them come?

At least that way he has written evidence for the future (when they are much older) ...should they question it. It's likely she'll say how dad didn't care about them and left them...so he needs to keep a record of her behaviour.

Not sure how old they are...But they need to know you guys haven't pulled the plug on this holiday for them. Tbh depending on their ages ... I'd let the Ex know that he'd be telling them its her stopping them going, as he doesn't want them to think they aren't wanted or have been left out by him.

That might make her change her mind.

Are there any family members on her side he could reach out to?

Unbelievable that a mother would have their child miss out on a holiday like this.

Exceedingly selfish.

Ehh..go without them but tell the 10year old the truth. It's shit but you can do very little at this time..

Not to be harsh, but you need to find the money. Sorting out proper access will be much better for your family than holidays. Even though your parents are paying, you will presumably still be spending money while you are there. It would be better in future to divert that spending towards getting a court order.

We 100% can not afford that kind of cost. Food was included in what parents have paid for so spending money would be minimal.

DF has sent multiple emails stating how hurt the kids would be etc. She at one point tried claiming how the kids felt pushed out by the baby (we make sure this isn't the case, and whenever asked if they want to go out somewhere and leave her behind they say no etc). So DF went down the route of stating how pushed out they would feel knowing we all went away without them in the Hope's of putting some sense into exW. No reply. She responds to absolutely nothing.

I did say to DF months ago he should get a specific issue order as I had a feeling she would pull something like this as she has form. He stupidly trusted once she allowed him to tell the kids she wouldn't back out.

We did discuss him talking to them and explaining to them how their mother has changed her mind and he doesn't know why so to ask her. He warned exW he would do this.

But I worry this is then becoming as bad as her as he is essentially telling the children to be annoyed at her. But at the same time he shouldnt have to look like he doesn't care when he does. We all do. Even my parents are heartbroken this has happened. They step children are much loved.

Its such an awful situation

I strongly believe it's important not to say negative things about the 'other parent' in separated families. However, in this case I think you are going to have to tell them the truth, ideally without slagging off their mum.

Has she given a reason that could be seen as reasonable e.g. is the holiday in term time? If not, she is being very unreasonable and a court will take this into account during any further cases. They take a very dim view of parents deliberately making it difficult for children to spend time with each other.

In addition, providing both parents have parental responsibility your DP can in theory refuse permission for the children's mum to take them out of the country. Tit-for-tat so to speak, although this would be stooping to her level.

If it were me I would be getting hold of the money to get a court order somehow.

And he does have a court order. One she ignores. Which includes how holidays should be agreed between both parties. She takes them away a lot with no prior agreement with DF. Even if it is over his weekend.

Personally I have told him he should have taken her back to court regarding all this sooner. Despite what she may have agreed to via text. But he genuinely thought she wouldn't back down on this once the kids k new.

I'm not an expert, but surely if he has a court order then the children's mum cannot stop them from holidaying with you (providing the holiday that you have planned is within the terms of the order)?

Can you find out how to enforce the order.

No real reason. Beyond the fact youngest is a little nervous about being away from his mum. But we have offered to have them for longer periods up until the holiday for him to get used to it. He was happy with that. ExW ignored any email regarding that. She claimed she didn't trust DF to be able to manage with a baby and the children. Yet we do. Every other weekend for months now. Happily. Children love her and we have all settled down nicely.

I believe the same. We never say anything negative about her infront of the children. Even when she has refused things in the past when they have asked if they can stay longer. We always say mummy has plans and will ne excited but we would have loved to.

It's a very messy situation.

ExW claims she doesn't need his permission as she is a resident parent. Court order is a bit unclear on this as it can be read both ways. DF would never do this anyway as it wouldn't be in their best interests.

Court order states that holidays are to be agreed between both parties. It was agreed upon. So how we would get that enforced without waiting for a court date (which would be after the final payment for the holiday now) . Is difficult.

We haven't the funds to cover the kids aspect of the holiday. And parents understandably refuse to pay out any money without 100% certainty they will be there as they have already lost thousands due to having the cancel the wedding thanks to exW being spiteful (again.)

It is possible that the 7 year old does not want to go on the holiday. Kids often find it difficult to admit to this type of thing as they don't want to hurt the parent that was hoping to spend time with them.

It can be almost impossible to glean the truth from such a child as they are so influenced by wanting to please both parents. They get stuck in the middle.

It's also difficult to say how far such a child should be pushed to do something that they don't want to do. They may well have a fantastic time once on holiday, but they do have a right to be listened to.....

I'll come back to this properly later.

Although you are right, ordinarily this wouldn't go through court quick enough, you already have an order. You can apply for an emergency hearing on the basis she is refusing to allow the children on holiday. It is £215 (I believe) to enforce. No solicitor needed. It will be heard quickly. You can get a fee remission if your income and certain expenditure meets the threshold.

Of course, she can still flout the order regardless. Because some people are that dreadful. You have my sympathies. Currently going through the same kind of situation.

Even if your parents paid the balance for the step kids to join you, there would be a chance that their mum stopped them joining you. There can be no 100% certainty until the plane starts taxying down the runway.

The court order says holidays have to be agreed by both parents. My interpretation of that is that this holiday has not been agreed by both parents. It also implies that the children's dad can object to holidays too.

Leave the youngest if he's nervous and take the older one in that case.

Parents doing this to spite their Ex, with no thought of the best interest of the children is shocking behaviour.

Why did she cause the wedding to be cancelled?

I think unfortunately you are going to have to go without them this time, and she will be the one left to deal with the dissapointed kids while you are away.

As the resident parent she can take the DC away without consent. Of course she shouldn't be doing it when they are supposed to be with you.

When does the balance need to be paid? If you can get a specific issue order before the date of the holiday itself personally I would risk it. It's likely to be granted unless it's during school time or something.

She can't persistently ignore court orders and get away with it. Surely at a certain point a judge is going to come down hard on her.

Seven year old has voiced some concerns. To help with these we offered him to come stay a bit more and gradually build it up so he was used to being away from his mum while still being close to her. He was happy with that. ExW ignored this as an option. Despite DF emailing her multiple times explaining that.

I will look into the emergency order. Balance has to be paid in a week. She has left it till the last minute.

She hasn't helped with the youngest nerves regarding where we will be either. Blatantly admitting to DF in email that when asked she just told him they would be in another country. Rather than explaining it isn't that far. (Paris) . Granted it is another country, but to a child that sounds forever away rather than a few hours drive.

When is the holiday?

My concern would be that you do not pay the balance meaning the children can't come & then she changes her mind again closer to the time & says they can come but then you guys are made out to be the bad ones as you haven't paid for them - meanwhile she's waltzing around like the best parent in the world.

She caused the wedding to be cancelled due to the fact for years she has been refusing to sign a clean break order.

DF upped the anti with this with a solicitor letter. That was ignored. Then holiday was cancelled.

We didn't know that once married she could potentially claim on anything I had and I just can't take that risk. So wedding had to be called off.

In the children's father's position I would be fighting hard with everything that I had against this. It's a long, stressful task but once things are firmed up by the courts his access to and relationship with his DC will be so much better. It is worth the stress.

I would be prepared to cancel the holiday, remortgage the house- anything to nip this in the bud. If it drags on over a few years he may miss the chance to spend precious time with his DC.

Whiskey- that had crossed my mind as well. The only thing in that instance we could do is explain that the balance needs to be paid and we can't change it once it is.

She very much is "I'm amazing parent to you and your dad is shit". So it wouldn't surprise me at all.

Starting - I have told him for months he needs to be fighting harder. He is very depressed atm and has gone for the head in sand approach as hes tired of fighting so hard, thinking it is resolved in court just to have her go back on the order. No excuse in my eyes personally but I do see the strain it causes him.

Holiday cant be cancelled without letting my whole family down including two children I am also very close to. And we don't own our home so can't remortgage that. I wish we could.