How to tell step-children they can no longer come away with us?

[exwifehell]

Long and short of it is after agreeing we can take them on a family holiday paid for by my parents, exW has since taken it back. There is no time for a court order before final balance has to be paid and I can't expect my parents to take that risk as they have already lost money due to a cancelled wedding thanks to the exW.

They obviously know about said holiday, includes two of their friends (niece and nephew of mine) and our new baby.

This has been done to spite my ex intentionally as he was pushing to finish the clean break order (been left for years and didn't realise once we marry she had a chance to claim on my stuff) .

And no I am not the OW. I met him three years after they separated. We have been together four years. Children very happy here and love their new sibling.

Us not going on the holiday isn't an option either as parents paid for it to celebrate birth of little one and to have family time with us all. And my niece and nephew will already be disappointed enough they aren't coming let alone us as well. We are all very close.

How on earth do we navigate this? The last thing I want to do is hurt them. DF has already stated to exW that it will look terrible to them and that it will leave them feeling not part of the family. No reply.

She has form of pushing my DF out the picture. He has had to go to court already and she ignores the orders.

I believe she has intentionally done this out of spite and to make sure the kids don't feel part of our family (which they are!) . As she got especially nasty since finding out I was pregnant. (Sayi g she shouldnt be born, that DF should leave me) . Encourages the kids to call new guy day etc.

What on earth do we do? I feel so awful for them. I can't believe a mother could spite her own children so much just to get a point score on my DF :(

Privacy - well said! It's sad that they have nothing better to do. I know if DF and I seperated I would want to get along with his new partner and him himself for the sake of my child.

Cat - that is a concern that has been raised by them. She has already shown that she has no intention for making it easier to build the youngest ones confidence up regarding it. Come the day of leaving we could go and collect them for him not to want to come, which would then make the eldest want to stay as well.

Tell me about it Privacy! Well said.

It breaks my heart to see the stress in my SDC when a call looms from their mother or to wake up to a basket case because DM has called at like 7am.

I'm sad to see that you think this not going to stop... I thought that the grey rock approach might mean that putting the DC in the middle of the manufactured hatred for their father didn't have any effect and that this might mean that are no longer used as a weapon, I can hope... we'll see

At least the grey rock means that the DC is 'safer' as they don't get terrorised as much to try and do things to hurt their dad.

In our case, we threatened court and the insistence that the DC passport be held by a solicitor, released for use when approved then returned. It worked first time. second time Ex just used manipulation and exploitation to brainwash the DC and that was that... DC missed out. :(

I do somehow feel sorry for the ex. To have a life so devoid of anything positive that you have to sit and plot ways to hurt your DC to hurt their dad must be awful. I'd hate to be her. It must be soul destroying to have that pointless an existence.

Reading it totally objectively I'd wonder if the kids were reluctant and she's just trying to prevent them from being upset - you say the youngest was anxious about it. Kids don't always give you the full picture about how they're feeling. She did originally agree which is something but perhaps these anxieties are only coming to the fore now as the date approaches.

Obviously more clarity is needed in those court orders and wilful disregard should be documented. And it's totally reasonable to ask for a more equitable share of holidays because as you say in order to feel more confident they need to spend more time with you.

Not going to be easy to tell them, even if they actually were reluctant they might be embarrassed to know their mum stepped in, and if they were excited there will be disappointment... Not sure what the best way would be, perhaps honesty - that their mum thought perhaps it was better that they didn't go this time. Sounds like a very difficult time for you though so you have my sympathy!

I've wondered that myself with DF exW. If you claim you're so happy surely you wouldn't be out to hurt your ex and children so frequently.

I must admit the idea of this being life now scares me. I am finding it very hard to handle anymore as emotionally it hurts me too much. I worry for the kids, I worry for my dc, I worry for my DF. I worry for myself.

The idea of anything we do that's positive being turned into a giant battle and drama just drains me.

This is the first time we've had a holiday together in years. And now it's been ruined. Regardless of the wedding being silly or not, having to cancel it due to an ex being bloody difficult out of spite hurts. The birth of my daughter and pregnancy was filled was drama and spite.

I don't want this for my life. I care and love her kids. As does DF and my family. You would think that would be enough to not get shit EOW. Its reached the point now my anxiety and depression gets worse every time I know it's coming up to the kids weekend. Not because I don't look forward to seeing them, I do. Very much. But there is just always something drama wise from her.

And since my daughter has been born she has been on the receiving end of it all as well. She knows to use her as a way to hurt both me and DF. And she does. Frequently in emails when she bothers to respond.

Talith - agree there may be a smigin of protecting her children coming into play. But if that was the case and she wanted them to go with their dad and feel secure, why ignore many emails stating we will have them for longer periods to build up their confidence? Or even discuss this with DF beyond just saying no it doesn't suit and not to say anything to the kids about it or whatever.

Talith surely if the mum was acting purely out of concern she'd encourage at least one extended contact time between now and the holiday? TBH someone who cries down the phone to guilt trip them during normal contact time is not someone with her DC's best interests at heart.

OP I agree that an emergency order is good in theory but personally I would think it a waste of money in this particular instance. How stressed/homesick will the youngest be if he's not allowed to build up his confidence beforehand with his mum refusing to reassure him? Plus both kids will pick up on their mum's negative feelings about them going away so are they going to be able to enjoy the holiday, really? And they'll have the pressure of not being able to mention the holiday to their mum either before or after.

Honestly save the £215 either for future court proceedings or to buy the DCs a lovely present each (not from Paris - something of their choosing that they can keep at yours).

Sending you hope and strength OP.

I hope there is an end in sight. I hope that if you can summon the funds and strength to play hard ball ExW may realise she can't behave like this.

Even if you don't get to take DC on holiday, you will be one step closer to nipping this behaviour in the bud.

I must admit I am inclined to agree that even with a court order she will do her best to make the youngest nervous about going. Which could then stop him going at all come pick up (not like we would force him obviously) or go and then get uneasy and homesick. My whole intention in this thread is to make sure the kids are protected as much as possible and not hurt. I can't see any good coming from forcing the youngest especially to come and hurt him in that way. Or to make them feel trapped into having to come because they are being told to while knowing their mum isn't happy with it.

Agree with regardless what happens with this holiday a visit back to court and having a solicitor behind him this time is the way forward.

The children and him are entitled to holidays together. I want that for them and for my DC with them.

If this isn't sorted properly they will forever wonder why we kept going away (potentionally) and never took them. They will end up feeling like we didn't want them there. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

Starting - fingers crossed. I'm not sure I can spend much longer being so involved in it all. The idea of being tied to her like this for the rest of my life is killing me. All my family wanted was to let the step kids know how much a part of this family they are. Instead all it's done is cause hurt and upset all along.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood about the divorce and wedding bit.

He should definitely apply for an emergency enforcement order but it shouldn't be you scraping together the money. Why isn't he doing that? I don't buy the whole depressed and lost the fight. They are his children, he should be prepared to fight for as king as it takes. If there have been so many breaches why have they gone unchallenged and not brought before the court? I might have missed something here so apologies if I have.

I am usually an out and out supporter of stepmothers, being one myself.

However, I think that in this case the OP’s parents are overstepping boundaries. I am sure they mean very well, but the OP’s stepchildren are not her parents’ GCs and they shouldn’t behave as if they were by inviting them on holiday. Leave your DSC behind, OP, and respect their mother’s boundaries which seem eminently healthy.

You've got all the flashpoints for this type of exw to go extra batshit:

• new baby is a massive impact on them which they will claim is about the children feeling pushed out. Projection I think! The DCs are usually fine and happy to have a sibling
• money - the 'cos I'm worth it attitude goes out of control'
• holidays - the lack of control of the DCs experience seems to trigger them somehow.

These women are a disgrace. I have the unfortunate experience of dealing with one. Her 13 yr DS now rarely sees her, and the older is more impatient than ever and she totally failed in her attempt to sabotage the relationship with DPs children. I'm not sure she is even arsed she doesn't see her youngest DS, rarely contacts him so its not surprising that she was prepared to use him as collateral damage, she genuinely didn't care. Heart breaking as that is for DPs DS.

I'd like to give you advice that will work, but nothing works long term as I don't think they give a shit. The emergency court order will solve this situation but brace yourself, this ain't changing. She will continue this behaviour.

Perverse- I have said exactly the same thing to him. I have said it looks bad on him, that it lowers my opinion of him that it is me sorting more out for him and the kids than he himself is.

But. Without defending him at all, he is incredibly depressed. To the point of having bad chest pains quite frequently. After the last court order was such a fight just to be ignored. The relief and happiness to back to feeling hopeless again was just too much I think.

He feels even if he shells the money out again and puts himself through the emotional stress of it all, itll all be for nothing again anyway.

Not the right attitude to have, and one I'm trying to get him out of. But the honest truth is he has just lost the will to fight with her as regardless of what is said in court nothing changes. Nor will it the whole time she knows she can flaunt the order to suit herself.

It's a vicious circle.

User - I'm sorry but what boundaries are they overstepping? They are paying for my family and my sisters family. My family consist of two step children. They don't see them as grandchildren. They see them as part of the family. Which they are. Jesus.

And if this was about boundaries of going on holiday with other peoples family... why was it okay to take them to her boyfriends family home abroad and have them call them grandma and grandpa? Shouldnt boundaries work both ways?

Mooncip - I agree. Every time we have moved forward in our relationship it has caused her to act out.

I am so sorry about your sc that their mum doesn't bother. That is incredibly sad for them.

Your DSC are not your parents’ DGC and they need to stop trying to think that way. I am sure they mean well but the mother of your DSC must feel incredibly threatened by your family’s attempted takeover of her DC.

User - what on earth are you on about? Where have I claimed they are saying they are grandchildren or anything similar?

They merely done a kind thing and are taking us all away. That kind thing included making sure two children that are part of my family didn't feel left out.

It is utterly ridiculous to imply they are trying to steal them as grandchildren.

They are of a strong belief (and rightly so) that the step children are just as much a part of my family as my DC. They are all my DFs children. And as such should be treated equally. Something which I think is very kind and sweet of them.

They included the children not on the basis of stealing them as grandchildren or being disillusioned. But so they didn't see their father going away with his "new" family and leaving them behind as they knew we would never afford the costs ourselves for it.

I would be %100 scraping the money together and getting an emergency hearing.

You can self rep.

£215

You can collect the forms from any court, sign them and hand them back in as soon as today

Without meaning to sound insensitive, you sound anxious and nervous to do anything about it too. I would try and put everything else out of your mind and focus on what you can actually do now.

You don't need a solicitor, it's easy to self rep, in fact they will probably favour dh for doing it slightly.

Also as you have paid for holiday she will be told she will be liable to pay the money back to you that you would lose if she stands in the way of them going.

Try and take all of the emotions and feelings out of it and stick to the basics and the what you can do about it now.

OP you will always find a range of experiences an opinions on mumsnet and that is a good thing.

I (and the majority of the posters on this thread it seems), don't agree with user that there is any issue with your parents including your step children in their holiday plans. They have organised a family holiday, step kids are part of your family so of course they are included.

I do agree I am.anxipus about doing anything at this stage. I'm concerned that even with a court order she will put the kids off it like she has already tried to do. Which will then leave us with letting my parents know they have wasted their money. Or forcing an unsure child on a trip he is unsure of.

Without having her agree to us having them for longer periods until the holiday the youngest won't come around. Can we get that in an emergency order? Extra contact for them to get used to time away initially?

It isn’t kind to the DSC’s mother. She also deserves consideration.

Thank you starting. There is always one!

I'm just in shock over saying they are trying to steal them as grandchildren! All for including two children in a holiday!

They are my family. They are loved. My parents care for them. It's natural they would want to see them included and not feel excluded.

Stop being so pushy.

I think my DSC’s mother is pretty useless but I respect the fact that she is their mother.

You are competing with your DSC’s mother. Stop it.