How to tell step-children they can no longer come away with us?

[exwifehell]

Long and short of it is after agreeing we can take them on a family holiday paid for by my parents, exW has since taken it back. There is no time for a court order before final balance has to be paid and I can't expect my parents to take that risk as they have already lost money due to a cancelled wedding thanks to the exW.

They obviously know about said holiday, includes two of their friends (niece and nephew of mine) and our new baby.

This has been done to spite my ex intentionally as he was pushing to finish the clean break order (been left for years and didn't realise once we marry she had a chance to claim on my stuff) .

And no I am not the OW. I met him three years after they separated. We have been together four years. Children very happy here and love their new sibling.

Us not going on the holiday isn't an option either as parents paid for it to celebrate birth of little one and to have family time with us all. And my niece and nephew will already be disappointed enough they aren't coming let alone us as well. We are all very close.

How on earth do we navigate this? The last thing I want to do is hurt them. DF has already stated to exW that it will look terrible to them and that it will leave them feeling not part of the family. No reply.

She has form of pushing my DF out the picture. He has had to go to court already and she ignores the orders.

I believe she has intentionally done this out of spite and to make sure the kids don't feel part of our family (which they are!) . As she got especially nasty since finding out I was pregnant. (Sayi g she shouldnt be born, that DF should leave me) . Encourages the kids to call new guy day etc.

What on earth do we do? I feel so awful for them. I can't believe a mother could spite her own children so much just to get a point score on my DF :(

Was it unkind to my DF when she took them to his parents holiday home with them? Called them grandma and grandpa? Call him dad?

I'm sorry but I am failing to see what is so unkind.

Fair enough if she kept the children away from her partners family (which would be ridiculous.) But she doesn't. Far from. At least in that situation her view would be warped but at least fair.

But is it one rule for her and another for him always?

For the record the children know my parents by their actual names. No nanny or granddad or anything. Nor do they initiate hugs or anything. That is always the children. If and when they want to.

How am I now competing with their mother now? You sound disillusioned yourself to think all of this equals to me trying knock mum off the top spot so me and my parents can steal the kids!

The very fact that you are prepared to create so much antagonism with your DSC’s mother is all the evidence we need to see that you do not have your DSC’s interests at heart. If you really love them, you will back down from this silly competition now.

What competition?!

Have you even read the thread?

It's her creating competition with my DF at the expense of the children. All I'm doing is supporting him in getting equal rights with their children. Which includes holidays.

Myself a nd Df have only ever spoken well of their mother to the children. The same can not be said of her about us with them.

OP it may be worth accepting in the nicest possible way that user has an unusual angle on this. You've got so much on your plate and you are dealing incredibly well with a very shitty situation- don't let the unusual view of one poster knock you off kilter.

I'm being as polite as I can about this as I don't want this thread to turn into a bunfight.

I have no experience with this. But if the facts are painting the ExW in a bad light then that's her problem, not exwifehell's. Facts are facts user1499173618 and they speak for themselves.

Also, user1499173618 is no doubt the kind of person who, upon hearing that SC weren't being included in the holiday, would berate you for not including them. So they're likely just looking for an excuse to be contrary.

@user , are you the ExW?

I’ve read the whole thread. I’m a stepmother. I assure you that your family has huge boundary issues that you need clarity on, or else life going forward will be hell.

I'm just shocked if I'm honest. I can't see in any part of this thread I've implied I would push mum out to push myself in. Or that my parents are out to steal grandchildren. That has never been out intention at all.

Whem the youngest started calling me mum I very nicely explained he only has one mummy and no one wants to share that title but I love him.

Agreed it's silly for this to turn into a tit for tat thread though.

Okay user - on the basis of a fair, friendly discussion - please explain to me how myself or my family have overstepped our mark.

OP you've not posted anything that suggests you've overstepped the mark. Do not feed this user. Save your energy.....

Thank you starting. I was doubting myself for a second there

I'd seriously suggest you don't engage OP. It's a waste of your energy. Either politely agree to disagree or accept that there's always one......

Sorry, that sounded a bit patronising!

I need reminding of that now and then starting! Very true though

He's checking out of his responsibility safe in the knowledge that you will step in. This is his responsibility, not yours. He will have to apply, he will have to go to court. Don't mother him. Make him be a father to his children. He's passing the buck into you. Makes me wonder why the ex is so angry with him. No excuse for using the children as pawns but I bet he wasn't a great husband in that marriage and he's showing you he won't be a great husband to you either. You've already said his actions or lack thereof are making you feel differently about him. This won't get better once married.

I’m sure you are shocked. You and your parents clearly haven’t made yourselves properly aware of the legalities of divorce/remarriage/stepchildren and are making decisions based on misguided ideas of what is kind. I do not doubt your sincerity! But you are wrong.

In every other area there is no fault (so far) . I will give him the benefit of the doubt on this matter considering the damage it has caused. BUT I am very aware that it isn't an attractive quality right now and have told him such and that things need to change asap or else I will give up on him.

He has assured me he will and so far has shown the right movements. Only time will tell in that regard. He is in a very difficult position and he is very sensitive. He has just handled it poorly.

Your parents are damned if they do, damned if they don't though if we factor in any credence to what user says.

They don't invite your OH kids, they are excluding his DC and you're all just moving on without them, if they are included your parents are trying to steal the poor ExW family

She's being difficult for the sake of it, and sadly the only people who benefit from her behaviour are lawyers/courts, her kids get directly hurt and damaged, but in her warped mind it's all worth it because HE suffered.

I have faith that one day the truth does out.

It may be a blind hope, but it's all I have to keep me going tbh.

OP, don't engage with user. You are not in the wrong.

Sadly I can see something here which I've experienced myself - as others have said you need a really robust court order. This is what I recommend frequently on these kinds of threads.

Ultimately there need to be revisions to the order which are much more specific about what isn't allowed in terms of parental alienation and what she says to the DC, how often it's acceptable to speak to DC when they are with the other parent, how much notice is required to agree or change arrangements etc.

I think that's the only way to get around it and take back some control. It might not mean she complies with the order immediately but if she is constantly going against the terms of the order it will make your case stronger and eventually she will get into trouble.

I personally think it's really important to push for this now, while the youngest is still young enough that a court can try to enforce an order. Once he's older it will become more difficult if she convinces him he doesn't want to spend time with you.

canihaveanap re: "as you have paid for holiday she will be told she will be liable to pay the money back to you that you would lose if she stands in the way of them going."

The problem with this is that the youngest is already feeling a bit anxious about being away from mum for whatever reason, and she won't support him either by encouragement or in building up additional contact away from her. So if on the day of the holiday he refuses to go the mum can legitimately claim she didn't stop him - it would be hard to prove she didn't have an emotional gun pointing at his back if he himself is being vocal about not wanting to go.

OP ignore user who I see is conveniently glossing over your counterpoint of mum going away to her DP's family. You can't reason with someone who is only in transmit mode not receive.

I’m not glossing over what the OP has said about the exW. I just don’t think it’s very relevant.

The OP and her parents need to get to grips with the incontrovertible legal fact that they are not decision makers in the DSC’s lives. Only their mother and father are decision makers. No one else - however well meaning they may believe themselves to be

Df agrees court order needs to be a lot more to the letter so she can't twist it to suit herself.

You would think when drafting up these orders in the first place they would make sure the wording is very specific so as not to allow this to happen. But then I assume they would presume adults could navigate this responsibly.

Cat - that is the main worry now court order or not. Youngest is understandably a bit nervous about leaving his mum and she is pushing that feeling.

But yes DF needs to step up and soon before they are poisoned against him and court orders will hold no weight due to their age.