How to tell step-children they can no longer come away with us?

[exwifehell]

Long and short of it is after agreeing we can take them on a family holiday paid for by my parents, exW has since taken it back. There is no time for a court order before final balance has to be paid and I can't expect my parents to take that risk as they have already lost money due to a cancelled wedding thanks to the exW.

They obviously know about said holiday, includes two of their friends (niece and nephew of mine) and our new baby.

This has been done to spite my ex intentionally as he was pushing to finish the clean break order (been left for years and didn't realise once we marry she had a chance to claim on my stuff) .

And no I am not the OW. I met him three years after they separated. We have been together four years. Children very happy here and love their new sibling.

Us not going on the holiday isn't an option either as parents paid for it to celebrate birth of little one and to have family time with us all. And my niece and nephew will already be disappointed enough they aren't coming let alone us as well. We are all very close.

How on earth do we navigate this? The last thing I want to do is hurt them. DF has already stated to exW that it will look terrible to them and that it will leave them feeling not part of the family. No reply.

She has form of pushing my DF out the picture. He has had to go to court already and she ignores the orders.

I believe she has intentionally done this out of spite and to make sure the kids don't feel part of our family (which they are!) . As she got especially nasty since finding out I was pregnant. (Sayi g she shouldnt be born, that DF should leave me) . Encourages the kids to call new guy day etc.

What on earth do we do? I feel so awful for them. I can't believe a mother could spite her own children so much just to get a point score on my DF :(

I worry that the more she pushes DF out and the more she pushes the BF as the best dad to them... eventually they will believe it and lose interest in their father.

Especially with the youngest as he is very much more for his mum. Eldest is a daddies girl.

I do my best especially to push him despite the depression. To the point I have ended up very ill myself with stress. I have had to start taking a step back as I myself can't handle it anymore emotionally as it was affecting my ability to be a good mum to my baby. (Mum had to have her for a few hours a day as I would just cry).

At 10 and 7, I think you can, without apportioning blame, tell the truth.
“I really want you both to come on holiday with us but Mummy doesn’t think it’s appropriate and she has said ‘no’. She doesn’t feel it’s right for you to be away from her for so long. I’m sad about it too but she has made her decision because it is what she feels is right for you now.”

Mabel - that is really good. I shall send that to DF now as a way to address it. Thank you. I have no wish to try and hurt the kids further by feeling like they need to take sides with parents and that stops that

It sounds very tough, I sorry that DP is feeling so fed up. Who can blame him. I have seen though, that this can be the beginning of a non resident parent loosing the will to fight for their kids. It's so emotionally draining to fight, and expensive- but so worth it in the end.

I believe there are steps that you can take in the case of refusal to sign clean break order. An ancillary order for example. However, the ex wife may have a solicitor advising her not to sign as it's not always reasonable to agree to sign- especially if there are shared children.

I'd post in legal for better advice.....

I have advised DF to join a seperated fathers group for more support. He is suffering badly with chest pains atm and I have also said he needs to go to the doctors regarding that and the depression.

It's sad to see. He loves them dearly but the fight is slowly going from him. Especially when he sees how it all ends up affecting others. We all love the children.

Regarding the clean break a solicitor has already said in my DF email yo her that if she doesn't go for this legally he can claim on the house she brought after separation. Which he wouldn't want to do. But she is claiming for money that she spent to support them for four months while he was out of work. Despite him supporting them for years before that. Including a car that was brought that she kept and a holiday. This was thanks to inheritance money.

Her own father has advised him that she has no right etc and has been a great help throughout it all.

You shuold really have found out about the clean break order and dh should have resolved all divorce issues before marrying again, so not sure you can entirely blame his ex for that.

Sympathy on the holiday. You've had good advice here. I'd try to raise the £215 for an emergency order as advised. Then maybe get solicitor advice re her breakikng the terms of the court order for future access. She sounds like a spiteful nightmare.

If you are paying the balance now are you 6 weeks away? You can get an emergency application in front of a court quite quickly if it is an urgent situation. You could do it unrepresented or, cheaper than a solicitor, hire a direct access junior barrister for the hearing. Suggest you start today by calling the court to see wheat they can fit in.

Pay the balance and get the court order. You are not going in a week are you only the balance to be paid? I know it is a risk but talk to your parents and get their buy in. This is for you little one as well.

OP well done for providing solid support to DP. It sounds very tough.

I do feel that this could be sorted with good legal advice and a court. I appreciate though that this costs money.

I think a separated dad's group would be a fantastic idea.

It makes me so sad to hear of one parent acting so unreasonably and hurting their kids in the process. It's even worse when it pushes the other parent to the point of despair where they are loosing the will to fight back.

I don't completely blame exW for that. Just the fact it's silly to push it when there is no claim and it's purely out of spite to keep a hold.

I'm ignorant in divorce proceedings and DF isn't the most think ahead type of guy. He wasnt aware it would mean she could claim on anything in the future beyond what she was trying to get. Foolish on his part as well. But there is no reason not to sign it, even her father has admitted that and he is aware of what went on during their marriage.

I will look at what I have that I can sell to get the 215 emergency order and call around today. If I'm honest though I can't handle the stress of this myself. I suffer with depression and anxiety ar the best of times. This is pushing me further into that hole and I can't go too far as I have my DC to look after.

I have also talk yo my parents about how likely a court order will be agreed. Their main concern with that aspect is that she will poison them against wanting to once she loses the power court wise. Especially as the youngest already has concerns and she refuses to let him stay any longer than eow to build up confidence.

DF is talking to a solicitor tomorrow regarding the clean break so I have already asked him to ask them about all of this.

Invite exw and shove her off the Tower near your holiday destination.
Joking obviously, have read your other threads and surely this is under the parental alienation new ruling?? She is preventing the dc from being wholeheartedly included in a new family and persuading them they don't want to go..
Bitch is my last word.
My exh did similar, ds's chose nc with him at 12+14 - she should heed this!

He really needs to start playing hardball with her and get both the clean break order sorted, the child access and if she doesn’t abide by it then it’s straight back to court.

If you can’t get the holiday order in time I’d suggest telling the dc the truth. You don’t need to slag the exw off, but something along the lines of, I’m sorry kids but your Mum isn’t happy for you to come on holiday with us, she thinks it might be too long away for you, I know, I’m really sad too, but we’ve got to do what mummy asks.’

She’s left it this late for the obvious reason if impacting so much damage. Poor kids

As tempting as that is I don't think I could risk prison for her!

I have wondered this myself. A lot of what she does is exactly that. Ignoring DF calls to speak to the kids on special occasions. So they then think he is ignoring them. Refusing to share Christmas or the like. Kids have mentioned some things she has said that hasn't been kind about DF.

This is a woman that has a tracker on her youngest phone (that she can only use here) and will call asking them to come home and then crying on the phone to them when they say no...

I have told him that he needs to really start pushing things now. There's been a lot of times court should have been contacted sooner (again) but he has put it off as in his eyes it makes no difference. But surely if she was constantly dragged back in court she would know she can't get away with it anymore.

Not only does DF run the risk of eventually losing his kids. My DC eventually runs the risk of losing her brother and sister. And naturally I don't want to lose them either. They are very much loved.

Good luck OP.

As kids grow up they do begin to make up their own minds IMO which can limit lasting damage caused by a badmouthing parent.

If your DP can maintain seeing his kids regularly it's likely that they will continue to have a good relationship. They will also grow to respect his attitude towards his exw.

I am a child of warring divorced parents and I can see it through a child's eyes. I have the greatest respect towards my dad for never badmouthing my mum, and despite knowing he treated my mum badly when they were married (he ran off with her best friend) I love him dearly as he is my dad. No amount of slagging off from my mum would change that.

I also split up from DS's dad many years ago. DS is now 11. His Dad is not great in many ways- no financial support ever, and inconsistent access. I facilitate their relationship the best I can by being exhaustingly flexible and forgiving.

DS adores his dad despite all his faults. It's become harder to gloss over his dads uselessness as DS has got older. He can see that it's unfair when his dad lets him down, and my excuses don't always wash.

Im rambling, sorry. What I'm trying to say is IMO kids are hardwired to love their parents despite their flaws, (with obvious exceptions for abuse). DS tells me he loves me for being kind to his Dad and letting him love his dad with all his heart despite him being 'a clown' (DS' words).

The truth but in a kind way is exactly what we will have to go for. We would never paint their mum in a bad light despite how tempting it may be as again it is only them that suffer from that.

Df is keeping all court orders and everything for once they are older though. As he wants them to know just how much he did fight for them. But by then if he doesn't pull his finger out they could be so sucked into their mothers version of events they won't listen.

Starting - you sound like an incredible daughter and mum. You have the right attitude completely.

DF never misses a payment, always sees them. It's sad he is fighting for more time and memories with them and it just isn't allowed because it suits her. Yet she will then be on SM claiming he is a deadbeat that can't be bothered. It's sad.

Me again . Yes yes yes, I do think that if DP can summon the energy to fight back hard then his ex will begin to get the message.

She may fight harder initially, as a smokescreen but I do think that if DP took swift decisive action she would think twice in future.

Calling her kids in tears asking them to come home is despicable behaviour. Please start documenting this stuff as if you have specific cases of unreasonable behaviour it can help your case more than generalised examples.

Are they supposed to be in school or is this during the holidays?

I am wondering why her solicitor hasn't advised her she risks losing her dc. My barrister told me when I was digging my heels in about contact issues (my dc not joint dc and he lost his case) that dm's who won't cooperate with the court system risk having the dc given to the df fill time! Maybe his solicitor should raise this next time in court?

I've been keeping a diary of all negative things and DF has limited communication to anything that can be printed to document it all.

Holiday is in school holidays. She has known the dates for months now so considering she said yes (after an initial trying to bribe DF to pay more money a month to think about it) she shouldn't have anything planned for them during that time either. Absolutely no reason for them not to come. Purely out of spite due to getting an email from the solicitor regarding the clean break and what could potentionally happen if she didn't sign it.

Before now they have self represented. According to DF in court she ended up in tears as she was being told she was unreasonable. I believe this as the next time he applied for court they skipped mediation on her part as she never showed.

It's my belief that due to her seeing a child leave to go and live with the non-resident parent she is doing her best to tarnish their relationship with their father so she lowers the risk of that happening (in her eyes)