Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

If only the girls didn't exist, you seem to be saying, horrible the pair of you.

I don't care if the ex is the most difficult person in the world, your partner is the problem here!

And he didn't really move out, he just had a slept somewhere else at times.

Those poor girls.

It's not your place to provide for his kids. The money from your parents isn't for your stepkids.

People are terribly harsh towards you.

I agree, parent’s money shouldn’t be spend on other kids. I would be furious if I gave money to spend on my grandchildren, but my daughter would spend it on someone else.

@RollsEyes no I'm not spending £600! I have spent £100. His girls want stuff coming to £600 each. So that's why he can sort them out and when he can't get everything I'm not to blame.

She is angry because your partner is a terrible parent to her daughters! She wants him to do the nice stuff that he does for your sons for his daughters too.

Can you really not see that he's a good parent to your boys because he is shagging you and wants to continue doing so? Can you not see that the boys and girls are not treated equally?

He is a Jeremy Kyle cliche. The little he sees of his dd is because of you forcing him to do so. Your taking Fridays off to take him down etc? He's an adult man with adult responsibilities- why are you babying him constantly? You baby your ex too. The ex is not bitter because she doesn't enable his selfish behaviour.

His ceux is not bitter she's angry that he only wants the best of being a parent leaving all the crap to her. His mother wasn't turned against him by her, she did it herself because she's ashamed of his attitude and behaviour and feels sorry for her.

Amazing how you went from being so critical of him yourself to bring back to thinking he vis the best thing in the world hence defending his selfish actions just to suit you.

You can justify everything to convince yourself you and he are in the right but everyone, either family or strangers can see that the least bit either of you care about is the welfare of these two girls.

No worry though because it v won't be long until they refuse to see him. As you've said they only care about what he can buy them and now it will be nothing at all.

People are terribly harsh towards you.

There's a long history of poor behaviour from
OP's partner.

OP keeps on posting here and blaming the ex when it is obvious that the father is a terrible parent who is enabled by OP.

@Oswin it wasn't a landing it is a seperate dolm which is now used for their toys as a playroom as it has a seperate door to it. It's a room alongside the landing. So what if my son has a customised bed. It cost me
£200 (£100 of which came from my ex husbands maintwnave as it wasn't needed.) the food last time they came down I bought them all the same food (and the expensive snacks that my son has for nursery I didn't buy until after they went home as he wasn't at nursery what week so they all had the same. We have had two holidays so far. 1 was Butlin's durn term time this year the other was when we first got together and he only actually came because at the time
I paid a adult ticket for my son! Adding my partner on meant my child went free and his place was already paid by me as I paid
Outright when I booked it for me and my so ! And yes he came because I was pregnant and he helped with my son! Next years bolidah would be the third and my Irene's paid!

He is having a relationship with them
He rings most nights, sees them. I'm not stopping him seeing them

It was a fucking Harry Potteresque Landing was what it was. You put a photo up. It was not even close to a bedroom.

I don't think people are being harsh to OP. She says she wants her ex to do the best for her son but doesn't seem to comprehend that her partner is doing as little as he can for his daughters. Am I reading it correctly that he doesn't even have his daughters overnight?

I didn't realise from the OP who the OP was but it has become very clear.

I've commented on these threads before. What amazes me is the absolute resilience. She posts regularly throughout the threads and keeps coming back for more, expecting sympathy and changing or leaving out details on a ploy to get some.

Really OP just stop. No one who knows the details is going to side with you. You are wrong. Your husband is wrong. You really are a wicked stepmother.

If you were the ex, would you think he is a good dad to the girls? Treats all his children similarly? Puts his children first? Does everything he can to provide for them? Gives them consistent love, attention, support? Cares about them, worries for them, wants to spend as much time as possible with them?
Forget all the excuses - money, coke habit, childcare for the boys, cost if travel, inability to drive, etc etc. Do you honestly think he could be a better father to the girls?

his girls didn't exist so take away contact, money all those issues he had. He is nothing but the best dad and the best partner to me and the boys. The little things he does, he does so much for us and can be so so amazing. The only unfortunate is the wag things have become with the girls and how bitter the ex is.

This paragraph alone says it all you wish his girls didn’t exist. Owsin hit the nail on the head modern day wicked step mother.

It has a curtain the last time you described it and the photo was SHOCKING

Sandy did you right the outline of oswins post of what op has utilmately done and said. No one is being harsh, op intentions are clear she work her dp works reduced hours looking after the two ones one of which isn’t his whilst his dds get pittance it’s done on purpose to punish the ex wife. Op you posted a pic it was a landing space nothing more.

Don’t forget the holiday to Disneyland you guys wanted to go on without the girls but take them to butlins using the family to fund their places!

I had forgotten about Disneyland.

I think twice a month is pretty good with the distance as I have friends who dads lived a distance and would only see them holidays.

Just wanted to address this from earlier up the thread.

He lives 2 hours away from them you said... that is fucking shocking OP!

My father lived half an hour away and I would see him once a week. I'm now 30 and I still think that was a shit effort on his part. Absolutely shit.

You need to give your head a wobble. You shouldn't be sending all that stuff (cards, photos) to your ex husband unless he asks for it,. He should be making the effort to be part of his children's life. As should your current partner. £48 for a train ticket is sod all when it comes to the love of your children.

All those children should be treated equally. And if you had a problem with that, you should have said so at the beginning. Your children are not a priority over his... they should be treated equally!!!

I haven't read your previous threads but I am a little baffled at your attitude at being ok with cutting hours to lower child maintenance for his ex.

It's really coming across like you hate the fact he has children from a previous relationship. The bitterness seeps through in your posts. I think you need to deal with that. Of course you should stop the girls from hitting your children, you should be allowed to tell off anyone in your own home. But it sounds like you don't like them! Children pick up on things like that. They know you resent them.

Start treating them better! I don't mean taking them on holiday. I mean start treating them like they are equally as precious as your boys.

As I say on all of your threads. Do you not think your life would be so much better if you was on your own and not with him?
You’re only 26! Don’t waste your life living in this constant fucking drama. How old is he?
Life is way too short for that shit.

@Gazelda I think everyone can be better parents in one way or another. Some need to work more, some less. He has made maistakes in the past and at times wasn't a great dad but he is doing what he can now. Regularly seeing and ringing them.

I have put a door up now and taken curtain down, we couldn't afford a door at the time.

And the holiday we simply were going to suggest do family to give money towards Christmas and birthday which we could use for their places as we never pay the boys places! Instead at Christmas family buy the boys season passes for places. Otherwise they get so many toys it's sometimes better giving them experiences!

We can't magic more money for more trips and as I have said before plenty of parents who live thus distance away see them much less!!

We don't have the overnight they aren't allowed as gives the ex more money from csa

The stepdaughter's sleeping area is pictured on this thread. It's where she was put so OP's baby could have his own room and older son could also have his own room with a castle bed. Playroom my arse.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3336549-help-me-please-i-m-losing-sleep#prettyPhoto

I can't believe what I'm reading here. He's a good dad to your boys and a better father than your ex so that somehow negates the fact that his a shit father to your dsd!

No wonder his mothers not talking to him, his ex won't need to have turned her against him he's done that himself.

You're planning to cut the maintenance he pays by 2/3s, shocking! But it's ok because your family will be better off. You don't know (unless your his ex's accountant) that she won't be relying on that money to pay bills. It seems very much an out of sight out of mind mentality, his kids aren't right in front of you so they don't really matter as long as you pair and your sons (one of which isn't even his) are ok!

Op what makes you think that if you split up again he will treat you and his son any differently to how he's treating his dds and exw?!

Maybe his mother isn't talking to him because she had to buy his children's school shoes whilst he spent more than their maintenance on fizzy drinks. I bet she's ashamed of him.

You can’t afford fuck all - shoes, uniforms or even decent treats for those poor girls - and you’ve spent money putting up a door? All that framing and the cost of the door itself and the handle and someone to fit it?

They aren’t allowed overnight because you didn’t have adequate sleeping arrangements a camp bed for one in the front room and the other one in the hallway on a sleeping bag. Regardless if you put a door on doesn’t make it a bedroom unless you can get a bed in it, it’s a cupboard we saw the picture and yes it is pretty damn shitty him not making more of an effort with them. There’s no way under those circumstances I would let my child sleep over either.