Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

So you're back living with that loser? Oh well, you were well warned.

As for this:* their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad*

Yet she is an infinitely better parent than their dad.

Not really sure what you are asking here?

Are the children living with you his aswell or just yours?

If joint children he should be contributing - if not it's not of his business.

Are either of you working?

If you’re spending joint money on your kids (presuming they aren’t his), why can’t he spend the same for his kids?

They are our children that live with us. But we both contribute to the household and then have a weekly allowance each. So yes it's technically my money I have used on the resident kids and he is
Using his on his daughters. Saves me the whole Aggro of whinging where I buy stuff or not buying everything on their list.

What would you say to the ex wife when she constantly pulls the stunts of finances at school

You’re not allowed to tell them off for hitting your baby?!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I’d be out.

Yup. If they ate in your home they keep to your rules, especially about being violent to other children. If he doesn't like that he can take them to a hotel.

Stick up for you children.

*If they are

What would you say to the ex wife when she constantly pulls the stunts of finances at school

That's for him to deal with. If he's paying the required/agreed maintenance she's no right to demand more.

Although I understand she may still be struggling.

Let him sort out his DDs gifts.

Are you Stepparentchallenges posting under a new name? I thought you'd split up?

A couple of weeks ago your husband was living on his own. What changed?

She's "pulling these stunts" with the finances because he's a shite dad who has failed to consistently see or financially support his kids. You're a mug to still be with this man

Have you posted about your step children before?

The ex puts up with all the crap you two throw at her and she puts her kids first - good on her.

Just stop changing your name and trying to play the saint -you are as complicit as your DP

He has always constantly paid csa. For a time we was paying double the amount and then she thought she would get more through csa so it got changed and she gets lots less. I would never dream of putting anyone in that situation though. IMO if he has paid maintenance for the month they I shouldn't be asking for more. It's just being greedy. If she wanted she should have asked though not put him in a position when he is at the school Collecting them and the school /dropping to club expecting him to cough up the money. Both times he has told them they need to ring her because she gets the Tex credits, benefits and maintenance for them. The first time she did it with the club the club did end up stopping the daughter going until she paid so she quickly did.

@GreenTulips yes we are both working, and I hate we rely on tax credits to top it up, and I am I talking to work about taking on the assistant managers role we he leaves so it will be a lot more money, my partner will have to reduce his hours down to 16 for a while with childcare etc until we sort out the routine (which won't go down well with the ex). But it will give me much more stability if I am earning it.

For a few weeks we were on a break but as a person (aside from the money) he is amazing, he's amazing with our two here, they missed him so so much not living here, he missed the bed times, our evenings together and we missed spending our time together. I came to realise that money isn't everything if it meant I lost him and I would just cope having to struggle some months and so did he. He realised having more spare cash each week didn't fill him with joy. As i has to cancel my single claim it means we have been moved to universal credit so very skeptical about that. My family have been amazing though and offered us £100 a month for me and my partner to spend on us, so I will keep my half for taking the boys out so that's all I wanted. We did a lot of talking and have ground rules on the issues from before. Every other trip he makes to see the girls he will get the train to rake some pressure of me, and he will be saying no when he needs to now. With Christmas I just feel it's important he sorts the daughters out because everything they want is coming into around £600 each so he needs to decide what he won't buy and it will be down to him and I can't be blamed when they don't get everything. Plus I don't mind spending a little more on the boys because they only get one Christmas whereas the daughters will be getting two. So it makes it a little fairer.

I am hoping the blood tests don't take too long and really want to get to them bottom of feeling so tired. Hopefully then when I see them I won't be so withdrawn

You’re stepchallenges, mummytotwoboys and what other names you’ve used previously. Do you think posters are dumb that we aren’t going to recognise you’re posting style a mile off? Stop attacking the ex wife bloody hell moaning about paying disco tickets. I thought you and him broke up or was it a scheme to get more money in. Is it any wonder the girls don’t like you, you spoil you’re dc taking them on holiday whilst one sleeps in a hallway and whilst you’re ds sleeps in a castle bed

Of course he’s going down to 16hours less money to pay out. Guess what I get maintenance ex also goes half on activity’s and dinner money you know because he’s a decent dad.

@Snappedandfarted2018 currently we earn £21000 between us a year. If I took the job on I would earn £20000 on my own, he would be earning about £6000. One of us needs to be around more for the kids until we look into fitting nursery around our work more bug with the cost of it also it's not worth it. But me taking this job on means I would rely less on the tax credits so it's beneficial In the long run. And once I can become general manager I receive my rent, gas electric and water paid for by the company and a wage of around £35000 so yes it makes sense for mh family to do this. Why shouldn't I do something for my family and to benefit them out of fear the ex wife kicking off because she gets less money. That's her issue. And no him moving out wasn't a scheme to get more money. The time apart made me realise how much aside his crazy ex and everything I do love him and I'm not going to let my boys go without for the sake of it.

Well if he is going down to 16 hours to allow you to earn more it would be the decent thing for you to top up the amount he is paying for his other children. Or you could pay for childcare instead of him dropping hours.

@CircleofWillis she will expect me to constantly be topping up. Last year when he was out of work for 5months until he sorted his head out she would constantly be ringing me up for money for this and that (I was already paying her maintenance not quite the double he was but I still paid her £30 a week out of my wages. Saying because I allowed him to take time off to sort his health out I should compensate her. She then expected constantly from me.
If I take the role he will be expected to pay £56 instead of £176 a month maintenance. So what I will be doing is putting away £40 a month out of my wages to save back for school uniforms, and their school trips (we will get the school to send us letters of the trips so we no it's going on them.) That way is saves the argument every year about him buying uniform and trips: I think it's more than fair. If he took Tim off work for his mental health again she would get nothing it's beneficial for him to work 16 hours as he copes a lot more.

OP howether you try to post weeks on weeks, your issue remains the same. You are, struggling because you have 4 children to support and not have the income to do so.

You were the bain earner and decided to have two children in a short time. Your oh's working pattern has always been unreliable so really you took a big risk having two children with him when you knew he came with not just a low unreliable income but also debts.

You need to stop baking the ex for your poor decision. She is getting very little maintenance so of course she will be annoyed. No one can tell you that you should or shouldn't have children but I expect she has little respect for two people who decided to bring in too more children in a fsmy that was financially in a mess. You won't change her perception of this and I'm afraid I personally would agree with her.

He's got two families he needs to provide for. But it's 'beneficial' fo him to only have to work 16 hours. What a catch

@DurhamDurham it's beneficial because I don't want a phone call from the police again thy they found him about to jump
If a bridge to a load of traffic. He was sexually abused when he was 12 by a family friend and he has never quite got over it. One of the boys technically isn't his bug my son sees him as his dad and calls him daddy. His own dad sees him once a week bug he isn't keen on going with him. It was never intentional to get pregnant with my second, I was on the pill. But I would never have a abortion just because I accidentally got pregnant. When my eldest boy was 7 months i returned full time up until my second son was born. Bug I also had money behind me from when I was single for a while. With my second work couldn't guarantee me the hours every week being zero hour contracts to put my youngest into childcare because if they couldn't
Give me the hours we couldn't pay it. So I was being more sensible. But for us now this new opportunity would be amazing. And for my partners health would be better, gives him the time for counselling. When he and her were married he stayed at home and she went to work as she didn't want to be a stay at home mum she has told me that herself, but she never addressed his issues her and his mum just covered them. He needs counselling and help and I will get him that

So he’s going to deliberately reduce hours so as not to pay CSA?

I thought you and he had split up?

@ftfoawygtfosm he isn't deliberately reducing hours but it's either he works full time and we continue to earn £21000 together or he works 16 hours and earns £6000 and i work full time for £20000. We would be better off financially. And yes i have explained further why we chose to get back together

£56 a month for two children instead of the £176 what a scum bag of a pair you are. You are doing what’s most beneficial for you’re family sod his dds. That amount is utterly insulting to them. He has previous responsibilities therefore he should an adequate amount of hours to support of ALL his children not provide childcare for youre two one of which isn’t even his! FYI £176 might sound a lot to you but it’s approx £44 a week £22 per child divide that by 7 works out about £3.15 per child per day so he pays just £6.30 a day for his children and you want to reduce that to £56 a month you truly are a piece of work op that’s bloody pittance!