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Help me please I'm losing sleep

(169 Posts)
Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 10:25:50

I’m not sleeping, and have a 2 hour drive to collect step kids for a week tomorrow. Sounds so horrible but the closer it’s getting the more and more I am dreading it. My partner is picking up on this too as he says I’m never interested in talking about the coming down. Don’t get me wrong I have days out planned with them, done a big food shop etc but we currently haven’t got tax credits as they reckon we owe them £2000 as they haven’t taken into account the £3800 I had to minus for maternity. But I messaged their mum other day asking her to get them to choose items from a menu as we need to pre order being 12 of us. She instantly replied with ‘ xxx doesn’t want anything of the large kids menu. And we do always let her have the adult menu now’.... so I didn’t want to argue and simply replied ‘fine please ask xxx to pick something of the main menu and I’ll sort the difference out it’s not a problem’. My step dad is paying and with the kids deal xxx would get dessert and drink included whereas with the adults wouldn’t and may not be able to have to dessert like the other kids as I am not wanting to take the piss out my stepdads generosity when he’s only met them 3 times. She then replied ‘I don’t see the issue with xxx having the adult menu you guys are making xxx have kids everywhere just to save money to go on days out with the two boys living with you and I have told Xxx this and xxx isn’t to accept you guys telling to have a kids meal.’

Now I am obviously just concerned at how much they are going to play up, my routine with the boys and partner will just go out the window. We are now being made to kick my son out of his bedroom move the cot into our room so then my stepkids can have his room as again the BM kicked off (but this Is the first time they have stayed since Christmas we don’t want a empty room.) and we were going to give them the lounge every night and we would have gone to bed early as we bought them these ready beds. and has now told them that daddy has a holiday booked abroad next year without them, he went Peppa Pig world without them and now won’t buy their school shoes so we have already had tantrums on the phone from them.

We said to her if we had the money we will sort out their school shoes, as she only likes them having Clark’s, when they are down. However because they stopped tax credits whilst re doing it we are about £600 short this month. But as he has already promised them these days out I can’t really stop them now. I don’t have anything I can sell to even make some extra cash. We use to always pay half unforom, fair maintenance resulting in extra weeks some months but as she claimed it wasn’t enough she went csa and has been left worse off.

Just feeling she has pushed that she is allowing them to stay this summer but has done all she can to sabotage it from the start.

Any help, advice I desperately need sleep! Feel like such a failure as we had been getting on well when o had been goinb up Fridays to see them and had sorted out their dad but feel like this will be a huge step back.

lunar1 Wed 15-Aug-18 11:33:13

Its really hard to pick out which bits to reply to!

My eldest is 9, he hasn't ordered from a children's menu in over two years. Most places it's nuggets, sausages, tomato pasta or margarita pizza. For us things like that are a quick meal when we don't have much time. He always goes for a random fish option and is quite happy without the scoop of ice cream that comes with the kids.

So what that your own child has to decamp for a week, everyone has to give a Little with extra people in the house.

I'll be honest it sounds like having them to stay for the first time this year is just inconvenient to you.

lunar1 Wed 15-Aug-18 11:35:47

Oh crap, I just realised who you are! You and your partner have been going Fridays for 4 weeks at most. Make a fucking effort the pair of you, and stop complaining at everything their only actual parent does.

ohreallyohreallyoh Wed 15-Aug-18 11:50:05

Perhaps the Birth Father should just try a bit harder?

RhubarbandGin Wed 15-Aug-18 11:50:13

I think at 12 it is perfectly reasonable to be choosing a meal from the adults menu. They have big appetite at that age, and are starting to feel more grown up.

I do not think it is fair for the step kids to sleep in the lounge, they wouldn't feel very welcome. It is only for a week so I think your son will understand, they are his step siblings after all.

I was never that bothered about having Clarks shoes, I always thought they were over priced. As long as your OH is paying the maintenance each week/month I wouldn't stress too much about it and contribute what you can to the uniform now and maybe offer something extra when your tax credits are sorted?

I find it very strange that this is the first time this year they have stopped with you though. Does your OH have regular contact with them? If I were to be in this situation I would be pulling out all the stops to make them feel as welcome as possible.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 11:55:12

The menu where we are going do a lot of the adult stuff but as children portions and the item xx has chosen of the adult menu was a item from the kids anyways. Xxx has already she wants the pudding from the kids menu.

My biggest thing is what can we say to the stepkids about what my partner does in his spare time. They do a lot of days out with their mum and when we went Peppa Pig world they were going zoo with their mum. I just don't know the right words to say without making it worse.

@RhubarbandGin We do have regular Contact with the kids we see them every other weekend, the mum has chosen that she didn't want them staying the weekends as she didn't like their behaviour when they went home as they wanted their dad and felt it was too long a journey for them. Also she said It's because csa didn't work in her favour so it's helping her gain more money. I personally don't see the point In Clark's but it's what she has always done and wants. I would just like to know if anyone else has had a BM like it?

Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 11:57:22

Once tax credits are sorted we will need to use that to sort out the boys we have had to put on credit cards for them visiting the food shop, petrol and days out as it's the only way I can do it by maxing my card so It would unfortunately be a good few months xx

Aprilshowersinaugust Wed 15-Aug-18 11:57:37

Why are you sorting all this out? Why isn't their df?

Notmorewashing Wed 15-Aug-18 11:57:38

What is the problem with your partner going out in his spare time why is this an issue if he sees all his kids regularly ?

lunar1 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:01:27

The MUM is protecting her children from their feckless father and step-mum for very good reason.

Name-changing doesn't change history, neither does being consistent for 4 weeks.

Your children can always sleep on the landing.

FrancisCrawford Wed 15-Aug-18 12:05:30

Give them your room and you sleep in the lounge

lunar1 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:06:16

Or you sleep on the landing

RhubarbandGin Wed 15-Aug-18 12:08:52

I've just realised who you are! If I was the mother of those kids I would keep them as far away from you as possible! You are absolutely horrendous with those kids.

Also - if you have no money stop wasting it on days out! Get a bloody grip angry

swingofthings Wed 15-Aug-18 12:13:18

Totally confused with this post. All I read is a lot of days and meals out on one hand and having no money on the other. The two don't seem to equate to a family who's got their priorities right.

No matter how much OP is trying to convince readers and herself I expect that she really cares about the girls' wellbeing what always seems to come out is that her boys should get the best and the girls should only be entiltlked to whatever pieces are left over.

Oswin Wed 15-Aug-18 12:14:33

Oh you were going to put them in the lounge. He gets a chance to provide hes not a shit dad and he plans that. The fuck is wrong with him.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 12:24:07

My stepdad is Paying for the meal to celebrate my boys 1st birthday.

Peppa Pig world was paid for as a gift from my employers for being a long standing member.

Days out when they are down will be put on my credit card as one of them is for the youngest step child's birthday, the other day out is to celebrate my sons first birthday and we have zoo passes so only have to pay for the two step kids again on my credit card.

Food shop and petrol my credit card.

We physically don't have the money for school shoes as our food bill has doubled for the week, petrol will be a lot more.

You'll never get that it isn't the landing. Next to our landing is a long corridor type room which is currently the kids play area/room it's divided of from the landing it's separate. The eldest had chosen it but we have said no. They wouldn't share a bed otherwise we could have had our blow up bed downstairs that we use when his mum visits and then they could have had our bed as would have also saved on buying ready beds and put aside more money for when they are visiting. We have just got my one year old in a routine in his room where he is finally sleeping through so all the months of hardwork will be undone that's why I had suggested the lounge, plus they would then have the tele too. As we don't have a spre tele to put into the room of the baby.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 12:31:42

This was a photo I took when we moved in. This is the space I was talking about. She could have got her bed down thenside, she wanted to have a lamp, pictures on the wall and to put a curtain up on the entrance part to it. So it isn't the landing

TwistedStitch Wed 15-Aug-18 12:31:54

You always obsess about the petty small stuff like a restaurant menu and your snack drawer. When the real issue is that your partner is an utterly feckless gambling addict who moved away from his kids, has in the past gone months without seeing them because he couldn't be bothered and only recently faked an injury to get out of contact. You should be more worried about the man you chose to procreate with than the rest of this nonsense.

TwistedStitch Wed 15-Aug-18 12:32:50

That picture really doesn't help your case. Fucking hell.

Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 12:39:10

It is still a seperate side room to the "the landing everyone is claiming." And we never told her she had to sleep there. We were showing them the house on FaceTime and she asked if she could make that into a little room for herself away from everyone xx

Stepparentchallenges Wed 15-Aug-18 12:43:18

All I am simply asking is how would you approach with the kids the conversation around the money and my partner doing days out in his spare time etc. As the BM has made so awful statements to the kids. I don't want to word anything wrong and make them feel any worse or confused

TwistedStitch Wed 15-Aug-18 12:45:30

And that's when you say that can be a
lovely little den but you girls have a bedroom and the boys have a bedroom. You jumped at the chance to treat your SD like Harry Potter so your son could have his castle bed.

funinthesun18 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:47:07

I would stop putting days out on my credit card for one. If you can’t afford big days out then all the kids will just have to accept that. You don’t need to do anything extravagant for your son’s first birthday or anything extravagant to keep your stepchildren happy. Stop with the credit card it’s not worth it.

lunar1 Wed 15-Aug-18 14:27:10

Maybe put your sons castle bed in the corridor-sorry room. Maybe your one year old doesn't need two celebrations he won't remember. He's got the meal with all the family. That and a giant cardboard box with his siblings to play in and he'll be happy as Larry.

Make the zoo for your dsd. Stop spending what you don't have. And for fucks sake realise that none of the poor children involved in your nightmare of a family are disposable or worth more/less than the others.

HerondaleDucks Wed 15-Aug-18 14:59:22

Oh crossroads it's you!
I thought you had turned a corner... but here you are back to square 1 again.
How about you and your boys go away for the week and leave your feckless awful partner to manage the girls for a week on his own.
I'm surprised the mum has allowed this. I personally wouldn't let either of you 10 feet near those poor girls.
I'm a sm and every post you write frustrates the crap out of me.
Step children are your family. You must bloody well learn to put them above yourself and your useless partner.

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