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Original poster

Ex partners and step daughters money

452 replies

Lovelife12345 · 21/10/2018 09:48

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 22/10/2018 07:33

Why are you with this loser?

Go and get counselling, but not for him, for you.

0lga · 22/10/2018 07:35

Most people go for counselling in the evenings after work . Or on their days off.

It’s a bit of a luxury to go part time 16 hours a week so you can fit in one hours counselling a week.

Thenewdoctor · 22/10/2018 07:35

He’s a lazy fuck and you enable him.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 22/10/2018 07:36

Do people like this really exist and think it’s an acceptable amount bloody £56 a month for two kids talk about scrapping the barrel.

Thenewdoctor · 22/10/2018 07:38

Tbf I get fuck all and never have but I’m not working part time I work full time.

Why aren’t you working around each other as it stands? Oh. That’s because he wants to lie at home drinking coke.

Original poster
Lovelife12345 · 22/10/2018 07:42

@ftfoawygtfosm being a assistant manager I would have to be 100% flexible to work around anyone that doesn't show up etc. In hospitality shifts can be anytime from 6.30am-11pm finishes. We will need to work childcare around him doing 16 hours. We don't have family who can help due to work. My hours each week will never be the same so he would need the set hours to provide boys stability from him rather than me for a while x

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 22/10/2018 07:43

He is a lazy fuck. He’s already cut his hours once. He already doesn’t work full time hours.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 22/10/2018 07:53

As long as you and you’re precious boys Re ok nm his dds what a disgrace

CircleofWillis · 22/10/2018 07:56

If you will be earning £5000 more as a couple a year, you will easily be able to afford to pay the £120 difference a month to his children, he will be able to have mental space and you will still be over £3000 better off than you are now. I’m sure knowing that he is doing his best for his older children will help with his mental well-being. One less thing to feel shit about, eh?

youbrokemytwatometer · 22/10/2018 07:57

My family have been amazing though and offered us £100 a month for me and my partner to spend on us, so I will keep my half for taking the boys out so that's all I wanted.

Is there anyone who isn't subsidising and enabling your embarrassment of a "partner"?

Gazelda · 22/10/2018 08:03

How are you going to cope with a promotion if you're struggling to get out of bed at the moment?
You are desperate to get more income into the household so you have some financial stability. Can't you see that your DP's ex has absolutely no financial stability because of the idiot father of her DC? Is it any wonder she constantly asks for financial help?

Singlenotsingle · 22/10/2018 08:04

I haven't seen OP's previous threads (whatever she calls herself) but from what she says here, I think people are being a bit harsh. She is working hard to provide for her family, and she isnt responsible for supporting OH's dds. She has the opportunity to go full time and earn more, (a lot more if she gets the manager's job) but he will have to work part time, presumably to help with child care, housework, and to do his counselling. As a result, his ex will get less cm from him.

I'm sure his ex is struggling, but so is OP - how can anyone exist on £21k p.a with 2 kids? Shock - but it's all down to this feckless man!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 22/10/2018 08:06

This is a complete and utter shit show from start to finish. You and you’re partner are compliance in destroying any type of relationship with you’re partners children. You both belong on the Jeremy Kyle show, Complete dregs of society. You know full well what you are doing to those girls and the impact and hardship it will have on them and their mother by him reducing his hours however this is a ploy to hit the ex wife were in hurts.

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 22/10/2018 08:08

You decided to go out with a man that already had kids. Therefore, if you decide to adapt your lifestyle to suit your own children, his should also benefit- or at least not lose out.

You sound like a pair of lazy twats who twist and use the system depending on how well you 2 are getting on.

Also, something happened to him when he was 12 so now he can't hold down a FT job and be reliable.....don't use that as an excuse. And YES- I can say that. Plenty of us suffer trauma and manage to live a normal life to support our families.
There are a million excuses in your posts.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 22/10/2018 08:08

Singlenotsingle

If you read the other threads you know why people are being harsh she has completely mistreated those girls as second class.

Also I’m from the north but I know plenty of families of 3 who only earn minimum wage. We are a family of three up until recently dh was sole earner earning 25k

youbrokemytwatometer · 22/10/2018 08:17

Remember OP, if you get the new job, you won't be on hand to drive your DP up to see his girls. You know that journey he can't possibly manage on his own with the baby?

What then?

rainingcatsanddog · 22/10/2018 08:17

Absolutely appalling man. Working less to reduce the CM bill is from the scumbag's playbook. You are enabling him him to be a deadbeat - £56 per month! For girls and XW.

Danglingmod · 22/10/2018 08:19

If you are going to be earning more in total as a family with your new job, you absolutely have a moral imperative to pay your partner's child maintenance out of the new bigger pot. You'll still have more money as a family left over.

I can't believe anyone would not continue to pay. His daughters can't live on fresh air!

Snitzelvoncrumb · 22/10/2018 08:20

I think it's fine to take the job, you need to take care of your family. You don't have to justify why you had kids, you can't give a father bugger all time with his kids and expect him not to want to start a family he can be apart of. You do need to keep paying maintenance, it's ok to ignore the extra things she asks for, but what you are paying isn't much. If mum is already causing issues you need to be prepared for it to get much worse if he cuts the maintenance. Is he going to cope with it if she stops access or alienates the kids from their dad? Just something to consider, especially if he is already struggling at the moment.

CircleofWillis · 22/10/2018 08:21

I think it is interesting that you have already calculated how much less your partner would have to pay for his children...

lunar1 · 22/10/2018 08:24

You really are a nasty piece of work.

Crazybird2018 · 22/10/2018 08:24

Wow, that’s insane. I am from another country, and I am shocked that a new partner has to be expected to pay her own money to another woman. Just wow, shocking.
I understand the lady has her own children to support; that’s her responsibility only. And in my country, it would look extremely bad and abusive, if a mother deprives her own children by giving her income away to support someone else’s kids.

youbrokemytwatometer · 22/10/2018 08:30

you can't give a father bugger all time with his kids and expect him not to want to start a family he can be apart of.

Is he going to cope with it if she stops access or alienates the kids from their dad? Just something to consider, especially if he is already struggling at the moment.

He moved two hours away from his kids and made up lies to get out of contact time with them. He'd probably be delighted to have his access stopped!

Snitzelvoncrumb · 22/10/2018 08:37

Oh. It sounded like he wanted to be part of their lives.

Original poster
Lovelife12345 · 22/10/2018 08:48

As states I have gone to the doctors for blood tests to sort, believe it's my iron again. Secondly yes I will be earning £20000 however because we will be earning a extra £5000 in total our tax credits will drop quite a bit and we don't know y how much so we could still be in the same predicament until i get the managers job. At the moment we get £21000 income combined, plus £6760 a year tax credits. Which is £27060. Once I take this job on we will be earning £26000 combined and unsure on tax credits. It says online estimates of £2600. So until we know exactly every penny coming in and our the household I can't really make a full decision on paying her above csa. As stated I will save back money each month so will sort Their uniform and their school trips.

And I have secured every other Friday off to take him to see his kids so actually that is crap he will still see them. But also means when he's allowed to have them in school holidays he will be the one at home looking after them not me. So he can deal with the constant 'it's not good enough' from the girls we experienced last time and it would give them more time with their dad.

We have calculated the csa because we want to be prepared as to how our lives get affected financially in all aspects

OP posts:
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