Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

Why isn’t he getting the info from the school? Why hadn’t he asked to be emailed so that he knows about the disco? Of course he pays on his night!

@youbrokemytwatometer we pick them up and have them 3.30-8. (We drop the eldest of to her club at 7.30) and then drop youngest home. Their mum is trying to change the day of the class when a space becomes available. She use to do the Tuesdays but stopped when mum didn't pay, she's restarted but only day at mo is Fridays. It's more time than Saturdays as Saturdays his train got in at 11 so would collect at 11.30.. then dropped off again at 3 to get 3.30 train.

I am 26!

@ftfoawygtfosm it's a new school they are at as the mum moved across town and as she doesn't drive wanted the school close to walk to which is fair enough saves them getting wet. He has asked her to get him put on the mailing list and he's getting nothing. So he asked last week at disco and he needs to take in proof that he's their dad to get put on If their mum isn't doing it. She should have actually bought the tickets that morning and told the school she wouldn't as she wanted him to that night

He has asked her to get out on the list?

That’s not her job. He has access to a phone. And a mouth on him. Fucking ring himself.

Jesus fuck he actually wants the women in his life to wipe his fucking arse.

Fucking hell he should have had the proof in by email.

It’s not fucking hard. Photo of BC. On phone. Email. Job done.

He’s a waste of space and you’re an enabler.

I’m shocked at how much you let him get away with.

Usually most schools/nurseries etc will put on by mothers request. I am however pretty appalled thy when she signed them up she never gave his details! She should have done, especially with youngest daughter's hydrocephalus as he was the one by her bedside since birth when she has the operations whilst the mum went back to work. He doesn't have their birth certificates she does, and she wouldn't give him his when he left. We have sent off for a new one, and just waiting on his passport etc back. But he is also obtaining a birth certificate for each child as a back up.

Another I got pregnant on the pill but wouldn't consider an abortion that seems to happen early in the relationship yet never years later...

The thing that puzzles me about your endless posts is that you always seem surprised that the ex would be pissed off at the constant efforts your oh puts into avoiding his responsibilities yet expected to be treated as an equal parent. You seem to think she should show sympathy. Why? Theyre not together any longer and all his actions to reduce his responsibilities mean more responsibilities for her. Any mother would be risky fed up with his attitude to parenting.

@swingofthings my ex husband sees our son once a week, never turns up to
The hospital or doctors, never does the nursery run, never rings durn the week, never takes his folder home from nursery. But I still make every effort I still send photos, birthday cards, messages, still included him on nursery registration and his school one. Last week the exception he did come hospital as it was 10 minutes before he was due to have him he couldn't even remember his date of birth or if he had allergies. But regardless I still make the effort, never accept more money, make the time because he is still the dad regardless

You belong on Jeremy Kyle show the drama you bring

You certainly have poor taste in men

If your partner chooses to drop his hours to the same as a single, childless student and then chooses to drop the maintenance to his children, then he should be very aware that his daughters will no longer be able to attend their after clubs. Because the money was stopped. By him. Does he realise that him choosing to drop his hours to enable your choice to not use childcare while he works longer hours will have this outcome?

Do you have any sympathy for the way she is having to bring up 2 girls without reliable financial support from their father?
We can all see that your DP is manipulating situations so he has to work as little as possible and has to contribute as little as possible financially to his daughters. Their mother is far closer to the situation than us and must be 1000 times more frustrated than we are.
You are being used. You are enabling him to neglect his children. You make excuses for him. You allow him to bum around and contribute as little as possible to his children.
Aren't you ashamed at his attitude towards the girls?

She can’t give his details. Data protection means he would have to give his own. Are you so thick you don’t know that?

You choose to do that for your ex. You choose to enable. She chooses not to.

Are you getting money from your sons dad?

@ftfoawygtfosm yes you can, I recently have to update my sons at nursery and was able
To add on his future step mum for emergencies etc. And have just applied for his school place and put his dads details down! When she enrolled them she could have given them but 'chose not to as didn't see the point.'

@Alexandra2018 yes I get £170 a month for my son. But for a while didn't get it until he started csa. And previous to that when o was a single parent never actually needed it so it got saved into his bank account.

And no she won't stop their clubs because she has inherited money recently as her step dad passed away back in feb and she has said she is using that for girls clubs and looking at a holiday for them. (She was on one about holidays. Because we took my eldest son with us to visit girls last week as he couldn't go nursery with the accident he had, and he told them we are going peppa Pig world this week for his potty training treat. My partner isn't actually going I am going with my mum but then the tyraid of abuse about holidays and days out started.) ahw then went on how she wants to use her inheritance to go on a big holiday with them which like we said is good for her

You sound like a terrible SM. You say it’s not his place to pay BUT IT IS. Paying 56 a month and keeping money back is very unreasonable, they deserve the set amount whether it’s you earning or him and if you were a good person/SM it wouldn’t even cross your mind not to. As for paying some towards clubs can’t you have a conversation and ask her what the clubs are to pay some towards it for the DDs, offer what you can genuinely afford on top of the CM, all of your children should be treated the same - I am one of those daughters and my SM was a cow, and soon enough my dad saw it too.

Reading this thread, think there is an obvious reason OP is enabling and supporting the decision for partner to be an utter twat.

Your ex partner sounds like a waste of space and you clearly are allowing your partner to be exactly the same.

Maybe you just have low standards of what it means to be a father, given your situation with your ex partner or maybe you are bitter and don't want better for your partners kids.

Either way this is absolutely ridiculous. Yet another dysfunctional family arguing about absolutely rubbish and 4 innocent children involved in all of this. I have no words.

I have 3 children (middle DS is not my partners, but DD8 and DD 1 are... Confusing I know )
Ex partner is a narc, never been too bothered about maintenence payments etc. But my partner would never dream of treating the children any differently and this is something I never understand about step families etc

They are all just children caught up in all sorts of relationship dynamics.

My partner is the sole earner in our home currently and I could never imagine him separating finances for his own children's advantage.

Maybe we are not the norm or maybe we are just people who don't want innocent children to suffer or miss about because of their adults incapability to just get on and do the right thing by the children.

You can’t. GDPR. YOU CANT.

You're contradicting yourself. On one hand you say you do everything to facilitate your ex relationship to your child, yet have written that your oh acts a father to him because your ex isn't.

It's been obvious from your first post that you control fully your relationship and your oh does as you say. When it suits your good conscience, you encourage him to be a better father to his girls but when it might mean you and your sons not getting what you want, you expect him to pull the plug and then the ex to accept it and go along with it.

You cleat work hard to keep everyone going as without you, your oh is even more usuless but it means you pulling all the strings as it suits you.

*Miss out

And also just because your situation changes, should not mean your partners children get a reduced payment. He should be contributing no matter what and £56 a month for 2 children is disgusting.

If he left you and set up home with a new partner, of whom he had another child with and she had a previous child, would that make your children any less of his responsibility!?

Isn't it nice to get £170 for your one cold when you're ex only gas to pay £50 for two!

Why can't you see what a raw deals these girls are getting.

Yes they will one day want nothing to do with him, and yes it will be his own doing, not his ex, and yes he will be full of regrets but it will be too late. What will you care though as your boys will be just fine and you as a mum too.

Am. I missing something? They're not her kids

And one of OP's kids isn't her partner's but she is happy for him to cut his hours and reduce his payments for his own kids in order to look after hers and save on childcare costs. In addition to receiving 3 times as much maintenance for this child as her boyfriend will be paying for 2. This couple are a class act.

@swingofthings my ex is a crap dad and when it comes to seeing him his dad the one day a week my son hates going and cries. He picks him up and all they do is go to his, he and the gf go back to bed and leave our son to play on his own. The same thing gets said by my child every weekS but regardless of this and regardless of how little he does for his son I still make the effort on the things so he can never accuse me of not. And when my son gets to a age of understanding more and making his own decisions he will have it in proof from messages etc that I did all I can to try and keep the relationship going and Include his dad

I can't exactly help the fact my ex husband earns £400 a week and has no other kids