Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

Every negative comment op has got has been rightly warranted sandy. Hopefully it might have sunk in her head that her behaviour and treatment of those girls is appalling, however she’s either too blind or arrogant to see it and will be posting again completing about the girls their mother or her dp.

The OP never mentioned the CSA in any of her previous threads. She changes the story so often trying to get people to say the ex wife and step kids are awful and she’s and her partner are amazing and never done anything wrong which means is difficult to know what is true and what isn’t anymore.

I think you’re right though. There’s nothing I can say that the OP wants to hear so probably best to head to other threads where people don’t want to be supported for making kids sleep in cupboards, prioritising ball pits and slides over proper sleeping arrangements, having drawers of special treats for their kids that the step kids know about but aren’t allowed to go near as well as extolling the virtues of a wonderful dad that never bothered to see his kids until OP came along.

Best of luck OP.

OP, you sound naive and quite young. I don't want to have a go here but have a google at personality disorder and co dependence.
You sounds as if you think you can save your partner and make him better. I don't think you can, sadly. And I think you will be posting another scenario in a year or so where he's upped and left and your children are devastated. I honestly don't think you are actually helping him to heal, but I think that it is some need in you to think you can.
You won't listen to this and will think you know best but I'd bet my house on it that I'm right. I actually feel very very sad for you ( and I'm not saying that in a patronising way) Some abuse in life has such a devastating effect on some people that their whole personality becomes disordered. These people then move from relationship to relationship finding people like you, producing more and more children and leaving devastation.

Sandy I agree to some extend with you. It sounds like OP's OH is struggling with his mental health whatever the reasons. I think it is fair that he should be supported by his partner to get better. However, the way OP is posting is not about what she can do to support her OH, it's all about him reducing his hours to accommodate her. She doesn't care one bit about the impact on the girls because she doesn't care for them mainly because she has an issue with their mum and she can't get this out of her system.

Her Oh is weak, very weak and goes along with everything she says and does. If he has low self esteem that is affecting his mental health the worse he can do is take actions to feel even worse as a father knowing that he is letting his kids down just to please his partner, a partner who only a few weeks ago was posting what a loser he was and how she was glad to get rid of him.

I expe t this guy's problem is that he's been dominated by women all his life.

Sandy seems to be one of the few making sense here.

OP has posted before and it seems is quite capable of ignoring the abuse being hurled her way. I don't think she'll take on board any comments that have insults thrown in. Why would she? Why would anyone take that on board?

Best leave the thread and find something less frustrating. As I said above, mental health makes you do shit things. I've ruined friendships and relationships when I suffered from mental health. Not an excuse but it was what it was. I was so inwardly focused and consumed that I didn't really see the ripple effect on others around me. It seemed to affect my ability to think about the consequences. Or I didn't care. That sounds awful I know... but I'm a very different person when I'm depressed.

I'm sure OP thinks she's doing the right thing. We can only give our points of view and hope she takes them on board.

I seriously hope your OH gets some help for his MH and steps up to the plate OP. It would be very sad indeed if he didn't.

Thank you all so so much for advice I do appreciate it. My partner has been having counselling and will be continuing to do so too. Hopefully we can work through it and see a light the other end.

Looking like our landlord wants to sell the house in the next year or so.: we shall be having a look around for properties and hoping to find w similar size one to our previous house, failing that a large 3 bedroom so that the boys could share a room, and then we could have w spare room/playroom for the kids toys. We are thinking of sofa beds as they can be rolled away. Each of the kids can have a set of drawers each with toys in so when the girls are allowed down then we can move the boys toy drawer into their room for that time so it will be used solely as a bedroom when they are down and boys wouldn't need to go in for their toys. (This would be worse case scenario as if we could find one like last time with a seperate lounge that we could use as a playroom we can look into other options with the spare room. Perhaps the boys have seperate rooms but when girls come down they have a room and we move the boys in together as realistically they don't stay often. I have enquired about changing my sons castle bed and seeing if we can add a bed underneath (my dad is good at this thing so he is looking at doing it.)

With regards to my job I will still be going for it; and my partner will reduce his hours down until we get the free hours for my youngest. However I will top his csa up to £120 a month and I will save a further £52 back for school uniforms, school trips and we will also contribute a little to the clubs too. And the ex wife is happy with this and feels it's fair. So win for us.

She did have w little grumble today because I took my son Peppa Pig world yesterday for potty training, however my partner did not come with us (we thought this would make her happy as then she doesn't feel we are all doing a day out without the girls but she still complained that we went and that they boys had the day out.) so we will never win. He comes she has a go, he doesn't come and she has w go, so we will just have to put up with that. It's because it's half term and she asked us Thursday night if we would have the girls for her weekend, the week and then our weekend (so the next 9 days) and we said we couldn't do all 9 as he couldn't get the time of work and I was away yesterday. We offered to collect them on Wednesday. He rearranged work so he could be off from Wednesday to the Sunday. He has no holiday and we can't afford him not to work these 5 days. But she has told us not to bother. She has since apologised today but do feel that asking Thursday night for the Friday was a bit late.

So I have taken a lot of the advice on board we have sat down and made a strategy to be fair for all

Babies do not need ball pits. Preschoolers can learn to use the toilet without going to peppa pig world. Never mind though op, as usual you are away wih the fairies. Your threads are remarkable in their ability to unite nearly every faction on this board though, i will say that for you.

Can a week not pass by in your house without a holiday, meal in a restaurant or trip to a theme park? Not my idea of struggling financially.

The trip to Peppa Pig world was planned ages ago. We struggled with potty training due to some issues resulting in us going to hospital as he made himself so ill constipated as his dad was not wording things correctly and he got scared. So it was a big achievement. We have made changes and progress so we shall see what happens but at least we've looked at things and if the ex still isn't happy so be it

We are doing ok financially, we don't go on a fraction of the meals, dinners, days out and holidays as your family. Soon you won't be paying maintenance due to the massive debts you will end up in!

Common can you really not see this from the exes point of view? She has agreed to receiving £30 a week for 2 children because your partner (you) can't afford more and then the fiirst thing you do is going out to a theme park with the boys. It doesn't matter that DP wasn't coming this time, it was still something that will have cost more than £30 when you include petrol, food, souvenirs etc.

Maybe if it was a one off she would have been more amicable, but it is not, it is a constant of gifts, days out, holidays whilst claiming hardship, she must be exasperated.

I feel sorry dor your dp ex and his children. With all due respect your dp has children he is responsible for. He should pay for them. He has no right reducing his hours leaving him unable to financially contribute to the children he already had.
What on earth thinks gives you the right to make that decision, let alone facilitate it . It makes your life better but his children (who are just as important as yours) go without.
Tbh if you treat his children as poorly in all areas im not suprised they dont like you. IMO men like your dp should stop producing children he cant afford to parent and women like you should stop getting into relationships with men who have children, the childish jealousy stands out like a sore thumb.

himself so ill constipated as his dad was not wording things correctly and he got scared.

This guy just gets better and better.

@EvePolastriSorryBaby this isn't my partner who made him ill! His biological dad jusrcworded his potty training words bad and our son took it in a different context so he's now careful what he says

Good to see you've always had such good taste in men.

Just skimming through this thread... it is a bit like de ja vu, have we not had this discussion before?

Oh hang on she has been on before with the partner with the fizzy drink addiction and then came back a few days later when she did not get the response she was expecting and told everyone she left him or am I confusing her with someone else?

OMG it is her! How do i search for threads with certain words in, the last one was about her not having the £200 to pay for the girls school uniforms and then she left him and his coca cola addiction and he was home as he had depression and bla bla bla.

Yep...it's her.

That is nit a room. My cupboard is bigger

How is the Coca Cola addiction going?

this is the poster who was pissing and moaning and ascribing malicious grabby motives to her primary school aged stepdaughter because she once chose something too expensive off the mcdonalds self serve screen. meanwhile her ds sleeps in a castle bed and gets taken to theme parks for correctly doing a shit at the age of 4 and cannot share a room with his infant brother as there would be no room for them to have a slide and a ball pit EACH in there, these two ball pits having both been bought before his infant brother was even conceived, if I am reading op's posts correctly.

lolz

Op has posted over several usernames if you want to search mytwoboys2018, crosswords18 stepparentingchallenges and not this username

@MadameButterface I just spat my tea out at that! The bit I like the best is that every whirlwind chance of circumstances, The op sorts out all the related benefits entitlement or change in wages, down to the nearest penny, the only thing that needs altering with each change is that the maintenance needs lowering.

How else can she save up for her boys to have a bouncy castle each in the garden by next summer and 36 trips to peppa pig world a month.

Meanwhile those selfish girls want school shoes and a fucking Big Mac!