Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

Can someone please explain to me why it's the OPs responsibility to be financially liable for her partners children. ?
The OP has clearly said that he has quite serious mental health issues. Add to that - he is clearly a feckless waster (the two are not mutually exclusive) .
If this man was physically sick and unable to work much (or reliably) would you all be saying that the OP needs to 'top up' or in anyway 'replace' the income that used to go to the ex from her own salary .

I'm sorry I don't agree with the majority of you. As much as this OP 'knew what she was getting into' when she bred with this one - the first one was under no illusion either.
If YOUR child's father can't /won't/doesn't provide then that is between you and him . OP is doing EXACTLY the right thing by putting her children first. She owes nothing to any other children. Her DP owes that and it's solely his responsibility to provide it to the best of his ability and for his ex to accept that he is unlikely to be any good at doing that.
Let's face it. Whilst he isn't providing much for the first children. He is providing just as little for the others . The OP is doing that.

Can people please stop using GDPR as a reason why an individual can't provide contact details about another person. It simply isn't true.

GDPR is there to ensure business/organisations/companies who collect personal identifiable information in the course of their suites keep that information safe, only keep what they need to keep and only share it when legally allowed to do so.

If you as a business including schools are provided with information that you require to do your job ie a school who must have two forms of contact for all children you don't have to check the validity of the information but you do have a duty to keep that information safe and secure.

Parents must provide contact information to the school. Yes it is right that they should ask other adults if they are putting them down as a second or third contact. If someone no longer wants to be a contact or their details were given without permission and they contact the school and ask to have their personal information deleted the school must comply but that is it.

Font, legally the OP has no responsibility to support her partner’s other children.
However in this circumstance the OP and her partner are choosing to use the partner’s work potential to look after her children, one if which isn’t even his rather than pay for childcare.

This will mean that as a family they will be significantly better off.

In the meantime even though they will be better off financially, this increased income comes in a manner which means it is not counted towards CSA and in fact the means to enable the increased income actually reduces the payable CSA to a ridiculous amount.

Which means that the partner’s two children, a six year old with health problems and a ten year old, will be expected to put up with a £56 a MONTH contribution to their upbringing. For at least two years.

No-one is suggesting that there is a legal responsibility for the OP to top up the lost £1400 (or so) support from the £5000 family increase in wages.

However surely even you would agree that in this case there is a strong moral responsibility for them to do so?

Good point Font. Both sets of children have a useless father. It's his responsibility to help support both sets of children. And the responsibility of the mothers to help support too.

If useless father wasn't with OP and had an illness that meant he couldn't work then that would be that. His contributions for his DDs would shrink.

At what stage does the new partner suddenly get responsibility for his DC? When they're dating? When they move in? When they marry? Because there are other children?

If they split up would she still have to contribute? If he died?

Both mothers made a lousy choice of father for their children and I suspect both will end up being financially responsible for their own.

Font she has no responsibility whatsoever, however OP says she wants to support her OH until he can get better.

Doing so means temporily taking on his responsibikities, including that towards his children. In turn, when gets better, he can alleviate OP of some of her responsibilities.

This is all pointless though because that's not the true reasons for OP's decisions. She wants her OH to do what suits her, ie. supports her to get a better income/work opportunity but without it costing her more in childcare.

If he reduces his hours, it means that not only he can look after the kids reducing the childcare costs but also reduce maintenance payments. It's a no brained for OP and her selfish outlook on her family dynamics.

This is all pointless though because that's not the true reasons for OP's decisions. She wants her OH to do what suits her, ie. supports her to get a better income/work opportunity but without it costing her more in childcare.

Exactly. She said earlier that the reason was so she can take a better paying job.

Op knows full well what she is doing the venom towards those girls and there mother comes out in ALL her threads

I don't see why the ex is being criticized for having kids with him, there is nothing to suggest that she knew what a neglectful father he would turn out to be. In fact OP has previously stated that he was a good Dad to his girls when he lived with them.

On the other hand, when OP met him she knew that he had moved away from his kids (one of whom has disabilities), and chosen not to see them for several months. She planned a baby with him whilst knowing he was at the time ignoring his existing kids (later changed this to unplanned) but either way she got involved with him, brought him into her son's life and had a baby with him knowing he was a shit parent.

I think one of the biggest problems that others are having in this thread is that the op (ok rightfully wants what is best for her children and I don't think people blame her for that) wants the best for her children but thinks it is reasonable that her dp sacrifices what is best for his other children in order to do so. Not forgetting that he is going to massively reduce what he currently pays towards his dd in order to improve the life of a child that is not even his!

Op you know that if this were the other way around and it was you and your kids being shafted by your dp to improve the life of a child that wasn't his you'd be pissed off as well.

Just to add that the dp isn't doing anywhere near his best atm, his attitude stinks and he needs to sort himself out sharpish!

Op I was going to say that you and your partner are vile people and my only comfort here is that he'll do the same to you one day but then I realised that's what you want. There's no way you didn't realise the reaction you'd get when you posted that your DP plans to reduce his hours and pay an absolute pittance in maintenance. Do you get some kind of thrill out of all this?

In fact, I don't suppose your ex is an emotionally abusive fundie Christian with a gay teenage son living in America with his grandparents? 

@ZeroFuchsGiven so the boys have to share a bedroom? Even though the girls have their own room at their DM's?

@auberbene Well yes, are you saying the boys are somewhat more deserving of their own space than the girls? It does not matter one bit if they have their own room at their mums house, Are you saying the girls are not part of the family and just visitors?

@ZeroFuchsGiven of course they're part of the family, but the boys live there full-time. The girls have their own space at their mum's.

I do think it's interesting that to some, the OP's facilitation of her partner's neglect is being framed as her looking out for her own children and putting them first. In my experience such disparity in treatment amongst half/ step siblings is very damaging to their relationships and can have long reaching consequences even into adulthood. Often it's the 'favoured' children who fare the worst. OP isn't treating her children kindly by supporting the neglect of their sisters.

Well the OP can ofcourse stop paying for the girls but then the scenario of evil ex, ungrateful daughters and poor victimised dad will no longer apply.

@auberbene It makes no difference at all what the girls have at their Mums, They are part of the family and deserve their own space regardless which parents house they are at.

@ZeroFuchsGiven I'd fully agree if they were there 50% of the time, but they're not.

They have their own room at their DM's, who's their resident parent. The boys have their own room at their RP homes, too.

I don't think that the girls are missing out because they don't have their own room at their dad's house.

What I don't - obviously - condone were the sleeping arrangements that the OP had in place for the girls. They could've just slept in the living room and made it more fun for the girls on a blowup bed etc.

I come from a blended family and I stayed at my father's house on the weekends. I was one of 4 in a 3-bed house at the time (2 girls sharing and my brother in his own room) Would it have been right for my 3 siblings to have to share one bedroom so that I'd have my own room? Even though I had my own bedroom at my DM's?

@ZeroFuchsGiven ... so the boys deserve their own space too?

Which they won't have, if they don't have their own bedroom.

There are several options that could give the girls their own space though. They could have bunk beds in the box room and the 2 young boys share the larger room. They could each have a little corner of their own in each boys room, a poster, drawers, pull out bed. Or they could have their own little corner for their stuff in either the living room or the parents bedroom and they sleep in one of those rooms when they are there. What they have been given is nothing.

I come from a blended family and I stayed at my father's house on the weekends. I was one of 4 in a 3-bed house at the time (2 girls sharing and my brother in his own room) Would it have been right for my 3 siblings to have to share one bedroom so that I'd have my own room? Even though I had my own bedroom at my DM's?

Dont be ridiculus fgs, that is a completely different scenario.

And a 3 and a 1 year old don't need their own space in the same way as tweens do, especially girls who may be starting their periods etc.

@ZeroFuchsGiven they're hardly ever there though (through no fault of their own)

They're hardly ever there because their mother stopped overnight contact due to the appalling sleeping arrangements and the Dad being flaky. So now it's a vicious cycle. Low contact because of having nowhere to sleep, no need for anywhere to sleep because of low contact.

They could easily have the boys sharing a room at their age, give the girls a bunk bed in the box room and have them EOW, half the holidays etc. They are children of the family, one of whom has significant health issues and the other of whom is starting puberty. A bloody bed really isn't too much to ask.

Such nastiness that pp are trying to excuse in the name of frustration.

I get very frustrated with women that post who stay with abusers and their children see this, that doesn't give me the licence to be mean and nasty to them.

I get frustrated with women (and men) who stay with serial cheats...whose DC see the fallout....again it's not a green light to hurl abuse. None of us are living the OPs life.

If there's been sexual abuse in his past, that will have an impact on him. Unless you understand this from a psychological perspective it's unfair to judge him on it and say it doesn't matter.

Victims of CSA can have a lot of issues. They can stay repressed for many years and then a trigger happens.

Telling the OP how horrible she is and how she hates her SD is of no value. If you're that frustrated...there's many other threads to post on. You can ignore this one as I do with many others.