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Original poster

New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

291 replies

LJayJay · 21/08/2018 09:01

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

OP posts:
TanteRose · 21/08/2018 09:10

Sorry, OP, but your DP did something unacceptable.
He assaulted your DS Sad

your DS punching him was not good, but he is a CHILD and was reacting to a scary situation.
Your DP is a grown man who thinks it is acceptable to assault a child.

once you get back from holiday, you need some space from him, I think. Trust your gut reaction on this

Aprilshowersinaugust · 21/08/2018 09:12

Just been thinking back to when I first got with now dh and how he was with my dc.
If we had been in your scenario I would have ended the relationship absolutely no question.
If you stay you are imo failing your dc immeasurably.

2morrowiscancelled · 21/08/2018 09:13

DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him

In addition to the slap, this is the bit of be worrying about. Verbal joking is one thing but a fireman lift at the top of a cliff? He wasn't going to throw him off BUT your child was scared. There were two adults in that situation who knew the child was upset and didn't stop what was happening so he stopped it himself by hitting out. At that point the adult lost control. None of this is ok.

MizK · 21/08/2018 09:15

End it, end it, end it.

He might be great in lots of ways but this is a massive fuck off red flag. Your son will pay the price if you let this slide. Upsetting your son then lashing out and blaming the child is so wrong and indicates what could be to come if you stay together. Lots of issues can be worked on but this can't be allowed to slide or your child is going to be hurt again.

frogsoup · 21/08/2018 09:15

He had him in a fireman's lift near the top of a cliff threatening to throw him off, even after it was clear ds wasn't finding it funny? Shock That is horrific and your DS was entirely justified in using physical force to fend him off. Men who 'play' with kids while using their greater physical force to restrain them against their will, whether tickling or something even worse like this, are nasty pieces of work imo.

NailsNeedDoing · 21/08/2018 09:15

Is it really awful that your do punched your dp? Really? Considering that it sounds like he was being held so that he couldn't get away by someone who was enjoying doing something to make him scared?

I don't think your DS owes your DP an apology at all, I'd probably punch someone in self defence our out of fear if they were significantly bigger and stronger than me and were pretending to throw me off a cliff. It might have been a joke to your dp, but it was not at all funny. Jokes never are if another person is upset by them.

I have a memory of a much loved family friend doing this to me as a child when I was younger than your ds, I still remember it and how scary it felt. As an adult I can see what a mean and twattish thing it was to do to a powerless child.

Your DP is very much in the wrong here, first for tormenting your son like that, but to slap him afterwards as well is something that I would find very hard to forgive.

This is not a man that your child should be made to live with.

TwistedStitch · 21/08/2018 09:15

Fucking hell this has made me feel sick. He held your child, who is in counselling for anxiety, near the edge of a cliff, didn't put him down when he was crying, and then slapped him too. Who cares if your son hit him first? I would have done the same to get someone to put me down. Your partner is a nasty bully and if your first reaction to a grown man assaulting your child isn't to LTB then you need to look at your own boundaries.

PintOfMineralWater · 21/08/2018 09:16

Your DP sounds like a dick. I would be furious not only about the slap, but the fact he continued to haul your DS about after he asked him not to. And at the side of a cliff! And to top it all off he hasn’t apologised either.

KeiTeNgeNge · 21/08/2018 09:16

Ffs leaping around on the top of a cliff - I’d have punched him too!! Your poor DS

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 21/08/2018 09:17

Oh god, put him out!

It isn't funny to threaten to throw a kid who you have a poor relationship with off a cliff.

Then he slapped your child.

And you acted as peacekeeper? Why? Someone who hits tour child needs to go.

Bananarama12 · 21/08/2018 09:17

He thought it was funny to hold him near a cliff even though he was clearly upset? Just that would do it for me.

endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2018 09:17

No, no, no.
This is not a nice man and in your position I would be ending the relationship.
Nobody would do that to a child of mine and get away with it.
He has shown his true colours. Take heed.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/08/2018 09:17

You have to end this now. Trust your gut instinct about the volcano that could erupt.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 21/08/2018 09:17

Your DP had your DS in a fireman’s hold near the edge of the cliff and was joking about throwing him over?

And wouldn’t put DS down when it was clear that DS was scared?

No wonder DS punched him. He must have been terrified.

TBH it sounds like DP is trying to provoke him to teach him a lesson. I really think that’s a mentally cruel thing to do.

Foodylicious · 21/08/2018 09:17

No. Just no. This is not Ok.

This would be the end for me.

The cliffs thing is bad enough.

I cannot get an image out of my head. The size of your partners hand and your poor boys face.

You must feel sick Sad

I think you need to listen to your gut and end this now.

It's not going to work out well for either you or DS.

Gloopy · 21/08/2018 09:18

DS shouldn't of had to apologise to your partner.. He was scaring him!!! Your partner took it to far...
He assaulted your son. My DS is 18 and I got together with my DP when he was 10. We've had some issues over the last few years and my DP has never laid a finger on him. It would be over for me.

sallievp · 21/08/2018 09:19

Do you really need to ask what to do?
Put your poor son first and end it now!
Why on earth would you stay with someone who slapped your child!!!???

FrancisCrawford · 21/08/2018 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mommybearx · 21/08/2018 09:20

I don’t think your ds is wrong here, but dp is as per reasons above.
You need to be really careful as growing boys need to feel secure and it’s intimidating for another man to come in, last thing u want to do is for him to have issues which he takes on to teenage and adult life, you could mess up a lot for him

I would keep space (of course with some interaction) between your kids and dp until your son is ready to have him in his life to the extent that it looks like you have.

Flashingbeacon · 21/08/2018 09:21

Have you ever had a fireman’s life? Depending on how skinny your ds is and what everyone was wearing it could have been quite painfull. Your ds was laughing at first but then got upset. Potentially he was in pain. It was your dp that was unreasonable here.
Also what kind of strong discipline is it when this kind of larking about it ok when someone has said stop? I’d imagine it’s more about being in control that creating a safe and healthy environment.

Morgan12 · 21/08/2018 09:22

I've not even read further than the title. I don't get why you are asking for advice on this. You need to protect your children obviously. If my husband slapped my children he would be gone that day. Simple as that.

BertrandRussell · 21/08/2018 09:23

My brother carried me down a flight of stairs in a fireman’s lift when I was about this age pretending he was going to drop me over the bannisters. It was nearly 40 years ago but I have never really forgiven him.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 21/08/2018 09:23

Men who 'play' with kids while using their greater physical force to restrain them against their will, whether tickling or something even worse like this, are nasty pieces of work imo.

This^^ it’s like some stupid “know who’s the Alpha Male” / “teaching him to be a man” type shit.

Please make it clear to your son that you support him, and that what DP did was not ok! If you try to get him to apoloyto DP you’re teaching him that he has to put up with bring scared by an adult just because they’re adults. Not a good message.

WellThisIsShit · 21/08/2018 09:24

So this man held your son near a cliff threatening to throw him over? As a game yes of course, except when it wasn’t a game anymore he didn’t stop did he? He physically held your son and tried to use force on him when your son was scared and tired of a joke that wasn’t all that funny to the lad being bodily dominated when he was trying to get away.

I’d have punched him in the groin too if I was in that situation. And yes of course it bloody hurt. The child was scared and trying to get away!

And then the man, the great big man with all his power and superiority ‘loses it’ and hits the child back. Not because he was scared, or desperate, or trying to get away. Simply because a small child had dared to challenge him.

I’m sorry but you need to choose, your ‘partner’ who likes to dominate others by force and then hit little children when they try and get away, or your young son who has no one else to protect him?

Justmuddlingalong · 21/08/2018 09:25

The punch was a panicked reaction by a scared child.
The slap was an out of control adult.
Neither is ideal, but only one reaction is forgivable. Do we really need to point out which one?