New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

[LJayJay]

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

Bloody hell!
DP terrifies your child and refuses to stop 'playing' being a bully and enjoying terrifying your baby
DS does what everyone does and tries to stop him good for him !!
Your child gets told off and slapped

Sorry but DP would be lacking his cases if this was my child and why ffs didn't you stop your DP terrorising your child on a cliff edge?! If it was me I'd have punched him first

Jesus Christ. I'd leave him. That is completely inexcusable.

Just read you're still on holiday.

Get your kids and your stuff and leave. Don't make them suffer this any more. This man has ruined your holiday and he's not even sorry. He will carry on ruining your lives, it's up to you to put a stop it.

Don't expect him to understand, he won't
You can't explain it to him. Just go.

So both your previous and current partners have been/are threatened by your close, loving relationship to your ds who has anxiety problems. Your behaviour in this respect is completely normal.

Their reactions are normal for immature men who can't cope with seeing your attention turned away from them. The first man is now your ex, I would strongly recommend you make the current one an ex also.

The thought of being a child held in a fireman's lift near a cliff edge, being terrified and the adult ignoring that terror makes me feel sick.

No way would I allow anyone to put their hands on my child violently. How dare he.

Your DS is a nine year old little boy, your 'D'P is supposedly the adult, he has behaved appallingly.

I echo everyone else LTB.

And if this is the type of man you consistently seem to go for may I suggest you look at doing the freedom programme.

If it were any of my dc I would have been furious at anyone ‘pretending’ to threaten to throw them off a cliff and holding them near the cliff in the first place. I don’t suppose he ‘played’ like that with is own dc? No what a surprise.

When I was at school the school bully had this habit of creeping up behind people at the tube station and holding (younger smaller kids), over the train platform as the train approached, yanking the person back just as the train got close.
That’s what your ‘d’p reminds me of. That school bully.

Why on earth you think your dc has anything to apologise for I can’t fathom.

Your dc only have you to stick up for them, there’s nothing wrong with being close as a single mum my dc and I were very close, my dc would often stop playing to come and tell me they loved me or for a hug or a kiss. I reassured them if my DP had any issues with the closeness he would not have been my DP.

I would've decked your DP too! What on earth was he thinking?! My DD has troubles with anxiety. If I ever saw anyone haul her about in such a distressing manner, I'd flail the fucker alive!

I don't understand why you've posted for advice. The answer is simple, surely? I would have asked DP to leave the holiday and ended things! Your children come first.

Sorry but this sounds scary and not good at all - I would leave

Your DS lashed out in justified terror. Your 'D'P retaliated with violence. There's only one person who should have apologised here and it isn't your DS. Bin your P, he is not a good person - and maybe get some counselling to work out why you keep picking men who can't handle a close and caring mother/son relationship.

" Now I’m all at sea"

Why?

It should be obvious that you have to leave.

That for me, would sadly be the end of the relationship. Your children's safety and wellbeing has to come first. Good luck OP.

I only read until the slap. Totally unacceptable. You need to get rid. Your son needs you to have his back and to know that you'll never allow this to happen again by kicking your P out of your lives. The joking to throw off the cliff is horrific and your ds must have been terrified. So sorry OP

And I'd be very glad I'd got rid of him before any house-selling or moving in together had happened. His nasty streak would come to the fore once he got his feet under the table - this is your very big red flag warning, act on it now.

PLEASE PRIORITISE YOUR SON Sorry to shout it at you but my mum let my stepdad get away with shit like this for 10 years. It's not o.k and I feel extremely let down by my mum for not putting me first.

If someone did that to me I would also punch them to get them to put me down

Being blunt OP maybe your sons issue is that since he has been little he has had male figures in his life who resent him and tease him. He would have been what 3/4 when this started.

Because you must have gone pretty quickly from one to the next

My advice is your children and son particularly need some time just the 3 of you

I've just seen that you tried to get your son to apologise. What the fuck is wrong with you?

To put this in context, if a child came to me in school and said he had been slapped across the face by an adult, we would be getting the parent in and informing social services. It's that serious.

Your P is a sadistic bully and I can't see why you would want to take any course of action that would keep him in your life.

You've gone very quiet, though, OP.

What the hell have I just read

So he purposely carried on terrifying your son, putting him in a dangerous position over a cliff. Then he slaps your nine year old son.

He's a bully and violent towards your son. Your son has been more clingy with you because he is terrified. If this is the way he acts towards your child while you are around i would have to see what he does when you aren't.

I'm with Quartz2208 and also second the suggestion of the Freedom Programme.

Your ds' punch was instinctive, in self-defence. Your 'd'p was enjoying his power to terrify your son and didn't like it one bit when he defended himself - in fact all he did was try to get away.

Give your 'd'p his marching orders today.

The usual too much too soon for a start. You say you broke up with another partner last year, now you have involved another partner in your children's lives. Clearly a partner who is a bully and a man child. Why on earth did you allow him to start dangerously playing with your son near a cliff edge with your son in the first place? It is your job to keep your children safe, I suggest you concentrate on being a mother to your children and focus less on your love life.

Your DS pinched him in self defence. He was crying, being forcibly held against his will by someone ’joking’ about throwing him off a cliff. Even without the slap that would have been a deal breaker for me. Your poor DS was probably in a state of sheer instinct and fear, and acted accordingly. No way should he have been expected to apologise, and what does your DP expect OTHER than to get hurt when behaving like that?

He sounds like a bully who believes your Ds needs to ‘toughen up’.

There may we’ll be issues with your Ds, anxiety and your dynamic. That’s a seperate issue.

The fact that your P forcibly terrified your Ds, made him cry ‘as a joke’ and then slapped him when he lashed out in self defence is a stand alone issue and I would dump him immediately.

DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him

I would have punched him, too - this would be terrifying! What if he had slipped, or accidentally dropped your son? He's a twat - and a vindictive one, too! Hitting a child - terrifying a child - isn't acceptable. I'm sure he was "joking" - but s joke is only funny if eveyone is laughing.

There's no way I would continue a relationship with this man. Your DS needs to know that you are on his side - always. How can he ever trust you if you let things continue as though nothing has happened?

If you stay with this man you fail all your children. Stay with him and you will fail as a mother. It’s that simple.