New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

[LJayJay]

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

You have my first LTB

I would not accept that from DS's dad, let along his "step dad"

You know sometimes you read a thread and you hope against hope that this is all made up bullshit from a troll, well this is one of them. Report your DP to the police OP he is a cruel bully.

I think you have spelt 'ex' wrong in your title, OP. His behaviour - all of it, not just the slap - would be an absolute deal-breaker for me.

Your ds acted in self defence and did nothing wrong.

Your partner is a very cruel bully. He should have realised that he'd gone too far when your son started crying. Your post suggests that the blame should be 50/50. I have a son who's a good half a foot taller than me (and 10+ inches taller than his youngest sibling) It's taken time and effort to drum into him that it's totally unacceptable to use his size and strength advantage on smaller/weaker people. If he wants to be physical he needs to do it in a sports setting or find a consenting strong person.

I try to avoid pile ons where the same thing is said over and over again but sheesh OP what the fuck is wrong with you? I read the first paragraph like  then continued to read that you were still with him and carried on the day as usual with your ds being a bit "clingy". Wake the fuck up!

OP: have confidence in yourself. You felt the undercurrent of a volcano: you were right. You can’t get the picture of him slapping your child out of your mind: because it isn’t OK, and he hasn’t acknowledged, unconditionally, that he was wrong. You feel uneasy.

Pay yourself the compliment of listening to what you are telling yourself, and have the confidence to act.

Your Ds really needs you to be on his side here.

Don't think I would EVER get over that. Your poor Ds !!! Christ, he must have been so frightened. For his sake you need to back out of this relationship now.

Agreed, Mrsmadevans - terrifyingly, though, the OP reads true to me (I too wish it were a troll post). I suspect OP wanted a load of reassuring posts saying "aw, hun, your son just needs a firm hand from a father figure, you're reading too much into this." Instead, she's generated that very rare thing on MN - a thread where everyone is unanimously saying "this man is an abusive bastard who bullied and endangered your son, then physically assaulted him - get your son out of this situation immediately and dump the bastard."

I suspect OP will not be back. I also suspect that some time in the next few hours MN will pull the thread on the spurious grounds that OP has been in touch and is worried she might have outed herself (aka OP didn't get the reassuring twaddle she was looking for).

LTB, this is horrendous. I get that you saw your future with this guy, but you've seen the volcano now, you can't let him continue to be around you or your kids, esp your poor DS (who was completely justified in punching him, BTW). You've simply got to trust your gut.

I have a cousin whose stepdad had a 'sense of humour' similar to this. He (cousin) began to suffer terrible anxiety attacks as a child after this man came into his life, which still haven't really left him even now he is a middle-aged man.

I can't get the image of your terrified, crying DS out of my head now. I think deep down you know what you need to do.

Just read the rest and am even more appalled. You split up with another man last summer so you must have jumped straight into this relationship for you to have been together for 14 months. And you're thinking of moving in together and buying a house? What the hell are you thinking?? Do you need a man to be complete as you've not given yourself or your dc time to recover after the last relationship and now you've got an abusive partner? You are prioritising having a man over the health and happiness of your dc. You should be ashamed. I suggest you spend some time just you and dc whilst he has his counselling. You'll probably find he gets better much faster without men coming in and out of his life. Get your priorities right. All st sea indeed.

Your DS did the right thing by hitting him! Shouldn't we all be teaching children they can and should defend themselves physically after they have made their feelings clear they want something to stop?!?
He was asking to be put down, he was crying, I'd guess he was struggling if he also hit out, and yet all this was ignored. In his position, I'd hit, kick and punch too. And I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty and I bloody wouldn't apologise.

Your poor DS. He might have behaviour issues, he might need more counselling, he might be controlling or clingy or anything else these men have said. Fuck even if a child (not saying your DS) might be the devil incarnate and be intentionally malicious and spoilt and it still would be damaging to 'tease' throwing them off a cliff when they were scared and 100% wrong. WTF was your partner thinking? Coming back from this is going to be difficult because it's going to take your partner realising what he did was wrong and be remorseful, not just for slapping but for the teasing. He's going to have to view your son differently and work on his relationship with him.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel so much rage at what that man did.

The kid comes before the cock. Do the right thing by him for once.

Leave him!

I don't think the OP will be back, it must be hard to read all this. So many posts in less than an hour, all basically saying the same thing.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm agreeing with the other posters.

Your son is anxious, and having counselling, he needs a mum who stands up for him, who doesn't make those anxieties worse by taking away any chance of him feeling safe.

My DD has anxiety, made worse (and most likely caused) by my Ex's abusive behaviour (he's her dad). He, too, would put the DCs in situations like this, where they felt scared and had no control or ability to get out of the situation. This make anxieties worse. And forget the common idea that you have to make people with anxieties "face their fears head on". This can help but in very carefully controlled situations, which this wasn't.

Dump this dick, pronto.

Oh, and DD's anxieties have got better because a) we are no longer with Ex, and b) we worked through them carefully and at her pace. She's far better now than she's been for a long time.

Think your DS’s punch was self-defence. Your DP was already assaulting your DS by continuing to lift him against his will. Never mind the tormenting before hand being cruel and childish.

These things would have been outrageous before the slap. There’s a lot of need for dominance and control at work here.

I think you’ve no choice but to end the relationship immediately.

I’d also be wary of going too far into the”another ex than him said me and my son were too close, do I need to examine this”. If anything, you might need to have a quick think about why you get in relationships with controlling men.

Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together

Please do not do this. 14 months is far too short a time period to force your kids into being part of a new family. Your DP is just revealing to you what he's really like.

Your DP's behaviour was appalling even before he slapped your son. Poor kid must have been terrified. You really need to prioritise your children's well-being over your need to be a relationship.

DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff

I'm not prone to violence but being in a vulnerable and scary situation like that and not being listened to when insisting the person stops I would have hit them very hard until I was put down. Your son went into fight or flight mode, flight wasn't possible so he fought. That's the most basic of our instincts.

Your "D"P is utterly in the wrong. Irrespective of whether your relationship with your son child led rather than adult led this one single action speaks volumes about the character of the man you're letting be part of your children's life.

Terrifying a child then physically assaulting them because the child lashed out is piss poor behaviour.

Have my first LTB.

I have a 10 year with anxiety. If anyone scared her to the point of crying then slapped her, I'd be calling the police not making my child apologise and feeling 'all at sea'.

I suspect your partner has been testing the boundaries for a while - and he has just sailed over one with a big thumbs up from you. Not only have you accepted him abusing your DS, you have made DS feel it was his fault and shown him you will side with your partner whilst he is terrified and abused.

Step the fuck up for your son's sake and leave this horrible man.

Or you can remain 'all at sea'. Your son will get the message that you won't protect him, that it is ok for your partner to hurt him. He will get more anxious and you can continue to crystalise your thoughts that your DS is the problem rather than the adults in his life.

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....

I'm not sure why you don't know.

You protect your son, your family.

Get rid.

I'm hoping that you have read the replies and are now consoling your son and making plans to leave and come home?
Everything pp have said is correct.
You know it's going to be difficult but you have to leave him.
Just because a previous BF has said similar doesn't justify anything.
A partner you choose has to accept your son 100%, anything less than that and they are not worth letting into you and your children's lives.

fermats

Yes

LJayJay it must be overwhelming to read all this, but please let us know how you get on.

People are shocked because this man has exhibited really shocking behaviour and you seem to have been conditioned not to see it. But we haven't.

But, mumsnet can be a fantastic source of support. If you need help with the practical steps of leaving this bully just let us know and we can help support you through this.

Once you're free of him, the suggestion of doing the freedom program is a good one.

Good luck, you know what you need to do and - although everyone's a bit shocked - we're rooting for you.

We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff,

I’m sorry, but no one does this to an anxious child as a joke. Your “D”P was intimidating your son deliberately and enjoying the feeling of power it gave him. In other words, he’s a common or garden bully.

I agree with PP I couldn't have any future with this man. He may be great with his DS and your DD and it may be that your DS has emotional issues and is more challenging to raise the the other kids but thats not his fault. Some kids need more support than others and need to be parented more sensitively. If you're going to be a major figure in a child's life you have to accept them unconditionally as they are - and support them with the temperament they have. That doesn't mean letting them do whatever they want of course but you remain loving and thoughtful even when they're challenging.

Your DP doesn't seem prepared to or capable of doing that. I wouldn't have my DC around someone around which they were unsafe. Being safe and loved should never be contingent on good behaviour. If a DC behaves absolutely terribly they may lose lots of privileges but they don't lose the right to be safe and cared for.

Get this man out of your life now and look after your son.