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Original poster

New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

291 replies

LJayJay · 21/08/2018 09:01

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/08/2018 09:25

A frightened child lashing out is different from a grown man hitting a child. Your DP sounds horrible. You were right to detect an undercurrent in his personality. Now it’s on the surface, what will you do?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 21/08/2018 09:26

Also, who cares if you’re close to your DS. You’re supposed to be! Don’t let your DP ruin a lovely relationship

flissfloss65 · 21/08/2018 09:26

I’d be terrified and feel so helpless being held by someone near a cliff. I’d have done anything to get out of the situation.

Your dp was tormenting your ds. I would talk this behaviour through with dp to see if he realises it was totally inappropriate.

I would put my dc first and end the relationship.

Permaexhaustion · 21/08/2018 09:26

Actually, if someone put me in a fireman's lift , and joked about me going over a cliff, and ignored my distress, I might well punch them. And I'm an adult, able to speak up for myself, and able to control my emotions, and not at all given to a physical reaction.

Your DS is a child. In the grip of a physically bigger adult. I imagine he could have been terrified.

No way would I stay with someone who treated my child like this. Let alone slapped him. Let alone blamed your son.

Actually, if your partner's relationship with your son is rocky, and he is critical and unhelpful, things would have stopped there for me.

Stick with bullying partner, or split up and meet your child's needs? Please tell us you're not finding this question difficult.

BossWitch · 21/08/2018 09:27

Dump and move on. Priority 1 has to be to your children. It's that simple. Unpleasant, unwanted maybe, but simple.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 21/08/2018 09:29

I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down.

I don’t mean to pile on you OP but can I ask what you did at this point? Did you tell DP to put him down or were you worried about provoking him? If the latter it sounds like you’re afraid of him.

30hours · 21/08/2018 09:29
Biscuit
Kittykat93 · 21/08/2018 09:30

I would punch someone too if they had me in a fireman's lift on a cliff! Your poor son was crying to be put down and lashed out in self defence. Your partner then physically assaulted him. Please op, leave him. It's not fair on your children.

sickmumma · 21/08/2018 09:30

Sorry but if someone had me in a fireman's lift joking about chucking me over a cliff I would have reacted the exact same way! I would have to have a very strong word with DP and figure out from that if I could still be with him.

cheesefield · 21/08/2018 09:31

Your DP was dangling an ANXIOUS CHILD in a firemans lift near a cliff telling him he was going to throw him over.

DS punched him in self-defense out of fear so DP would let him go.

And got slapped for it?! 100% DPs fault. He's an abusive cunt and I don't blame your DS if he never wants to go near him again. Fucking awful behaviour from an adult.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 21/08/2018 09:31

If you stay with this man then you're a disgrace. He's mentally and now physically abusing your son.

byanyothernamerose · 21/08/2018 09:32

My first ever LTB

3luckystars · 21/08/2018 09:32

If it was me, I would prioritise my son. I would end it immediately and have no regrets.

It’s simple, but not easy.

TwitterQueen1 · 21/08/2018 09:32

Your 'DP' terrified your DS and then hit him and you 'couldn't get an apology out of DS' ?????

And you're living your life with a partner who believes your Ds "has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and controls me."

Your poor son. How can you even think about continuing a relationship with such an awful man? If you do, you would be enabling and supporting bullying, assault, emotional abuse and goodness knows what else. Please put your Ds first and get rid of this awful man.

ElspethFlashman · 21/08/2018 09:35

I would have fucking punched him too, if I was scared and crying and it was the only way to stop it.

If you actually consider staying with a guy who gives your troubled child MORE anxiety, then you need to seriously look at your priorities.

You don't mention that you intervened when all this was going on. I seriously hope you weren't in the background protesting weakly. I really hope you were marching over there roaring your head off.

eddielizzard · 21/08/2018 09:35

Eh? Your DP was teasing your DS about throwing him over the cliff and then had him in a fireman's lift. Your DS was CRYING and then punched DP.

OMG.

Your DS was protecting himself!

Bloody hell that would be the end of the relationship right there, without the further SLAP!!!

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 21/08/2018 09:35

So he hits your son and tells you your relationship with your son is too close and your son controls you... your primary responsibility is to your DC and not to this abusive man. I think you know the answer

LeftRightCentre · 21/08/2018 09:35

You have to ask? You need to end things with your boyfriend. You need to put your son first and stop bringing men into his life for a while. He's nine, FFS! Don't put your desire for a relationship ahead of your child's well being. This is the second man you've had heavily involved in your son's life from what you say, at the least. That doesn't seem to be working for him. Get rid of your boyfriend and if you have to have one keep him away from your kids lives. I'd have been terrified if someone did that to me and I'm an adult.

ToeToToe · 21/08/2018 09:36

OP, I also felt sick reading this. I can't believe a grown man would do this.

I would absolutely end it, immediately, right now, today. You cannot be in a relationship with a man who will do that to your son. I would wonder what else he was capable of.

1sttimeDD · 21/08/2018 09:36

New partner would now be my ex partner!

fieryginger · 21/08/2018 09:36

I agree with everyone else here. I think, with the future you had planned, if you go ahead with it, you will regret it. It's not going to get easier and you are at a crossroads where hard, life changing decisions need to be made. Trust your gut. Do the right thing.

PrimalLass · 21/08/2018 09:36

The poor wee soul. Run from this man - fast.

Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 09:37

As PPs say, your DP caused this, first by his nasty, dark “joke” and use of physical force. DS was understandably very frightened and lashed out, then got slapped! And your DP then sought to gaslight you by suggesting the incident was evidence of DS’ issues/you parenting not being good enough!

It won’t help DS’ anxiety at all to live with this man.

By continuing with the day you failed to protect DS IMO.

Your previous partner saying similar things may not indicate that their opinions have value: might just be that they are two authoritarian, bullying men who can’t be arsed dealing with DC with additional needs.

MarthasGinYard · 21/08/2018 09:38

'he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me.'

Blimey

I wouldn't be accepting 'parenting advice' from this idiot.

LeftRightCentre · 21/08/2018 09:38

I can only imagine how trapped and anxious your son must feel, stuck on hols with this bullying twat and unable to get away from him.