New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

[LJayJay]

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

Oh god. How awful. There is nothing funny about holding a child over a cliff. What a bully your do is. I would have punched him myself. Leave this horrible man and protect your son. Get a different hotel or change your flights.

Fucking hell, that's awful

Think what it must have felt like for your DS, when the game ceased to feel like a game for him - absolutely, life-threateningly terrifying. He lashed out in fear - as would any other person in those circumstances. For your DP to respond by slapping him is unforgivable.

Never mind the rest of the holiday - if a grown man did this to my DS (similar age to yours), DS and I would be on the next train home. The guy would be out of my life before his feet could touch the fucking ground.

You know EXACTLY what you have to do in this situation and no one is going to tell you otherwise.

You don't need to ask for advice here. You need to put the needs of your son first. You split with your ex partner last summer and you were with your new man 14 months ago. That doesn't leave much time in between to concentrate on your kids. No wonder he is clingy to you and feels insecure. Your son will grow up with more problems if you stay with this man. I promise you this! Keep strong though as this isn't going to be a nice time for you

She was probably hoping to hear something different to justify the guilt she's now feeling for not protecting her child.

When I was younger my big sisters partner used to torment me and one day I was rinsing my mouth out with water when brushing my teeth and he slapped me across the face to get me to spit out the water as he said you shouldn't drink water from bathroom tap. I still remember how scared and shocked I was.

He later went on to abuse my big sister and they split. He was very charming much loved and great with us kids most the time that no one saw what was going on for what it was. As a child that also had anxiety and behavioural problems at the time it always looked like it was my fault.

Slapping a child is never okay and what was worse for me was that no one acted the way they should of at the time. That upsets me now more than what that person did.

Sorry for my bad spelling and grammar.

I think your son reacted in a normal way. He was scared and this grown man was ignoring his pleas to be put down. No need to apologise for the punch. He stood up from himself in a threatening position.

Your boyfriend did two thing wrong he scared a child and them he slapped a child. He is an arse - and a violent one.

I think you need to end this relationship.

Reading this has made me feel sick.
Do you really need to come on here to realise your DP was seriously frightening your DS and then assaulted him when your son hit him?
I'd have left him there and then.

*An adult was tormenting a child, who was terrified

I’m not surprised your DS hit him

Your partner is a bull*y

Totally agree, poor kid. I don't see how this is salvageable - if you stay it will damage your child and send him the message that you condone this treatment of him. What your partner did was just nasty.

Sorry your op made me so sad for your ds. Even hearing he had held him the firemans lift at the top of the cliff made me feel sick, I can have empathy for a child I've never met and your dp doesn't?

If you are going to continue this relationship - and I know that it will be hard to read these comments telling you to leave him - I would do so under the condition your dp goes to counselling, keeps his distance from ds for a long period of time (until ds is happy to resume a relationship) and eventually apologises. And agrees to no more aggressive or scary 'games'.

If you could see he was anxious when being lifted up and visibly upset why didn't you intervene and tell DP to stop? You're supposed to protect him from situations if you know it triggers his anxiety. I do the same with my DC if their OWN dad does something to upset them I tell him to stop and give him an earful if DC start to cry because he's too blunt. I don't make DC apologise if the adult is in the wrong and you shouldn't have to make your DS do the same. And sorry "acted peacekeeper"? You should gone fucking mad at DP. You weren't breaking up a fight between two kids!

Also it's odd that you have mentioned your previous partners have mentioned DS is clingy?

I honestly suspected his anxiety is exacerbated by you not standing up for him from what your post says. It doesn't seem like you have your sons back, more like you wanted to keep both sides happy yet someone YOU chose to be YOUR partner has upset your son, this boy has no say in whether or not this man stays in his life.

If anyone was holding me in a Fireman’s lift at the top of a cliff I’d bloody punch them. Poor lad how dare your partner slap him.

DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff

So your son tried to protect himself.

Its not even a remotely difficult choice. You either protect your child or you put your own needs first.

The fact that you've even asked gives a sad insight into your neglect of your son. Horrific thing for a mother to allow to happen. And then stay. HORRIFIC.

There is no question in my mind that if this had happened to my son, I would be posting about an EX partner.

Show your son that you will keep him safe and get rid of your boyfriend.

Sounds like your child was terrified.

I'd be terrified at someone putting me in a fireman's lift at a cliff edge and refusing to put me down.

There is no excuse for what he did.

He needs to go.

HRTFT but if someone had me in a fireman's lift on a clifftop, and joked about throwing me over, I'd punch him as well.

What is wrong with you? I mean seriously, what is wrong with you?

Your 'D'P holds your child in a fireman's lift and threatens to throw him off a cliff and thinks that is 'funny'? Still 'funny' even when your DS was crying? It wasn't funny, it was about your DP asserting his power and you just stood there and watched your DS crying and let him be scared and intimidated.

I am surprised your DS is talking to you after your lack of action.

I agree with LeftRightCentre here too.

You need to put your son first and stop bringing men into his life for a while....Don't put your desire for a relationship ahead of your child's well being. This is the second man you've had heavily involved in your son's life from what you say, at the least. That doesn't seem to be working for him. Get rid of your boyfriend and if you have to have one keep him away from your kids lives

Before we even got to the punch and the slap your DP was 100% in the wrong. He played a very cruel "joke" on a child he clearly doesn't like very much. So he took the opportunity to terrify a young child because he, an adult, cannot get on with the child. What does that say about him? Jokes are funny. What he did was abusive. You may feel your DP is otherwise wonderful but your priority is your DS. Leave this man for his sake.

Do you know what I would've done?

I'd have walked back to the holiday home with him and the kids in silence. I would have grabbed the car keys and my kids and left him there. Before leaving, I would have punched him too

Then I would send him a text saying 'get out of my life. This is the end'

You also need to make it really clear to ypur DS that it's not his fault you split up - that this man is showing hus true colours and it's totally down to him.

PS - he knew what he was doing. He hates your son.

What kind of a massive dick threatens to throw a 9yo off a cliff as a "joke" - anyway, but especially when the child is anxious and not close to them?

IMO it wasn't a joke - it was your twat of a partner's jealousy and dislike of your DS coming through. Your DS was terrified and punching was a way to try to get himself released. It was perfectly reasonable and exactly what I would have done - along with poking him in the eye and kicking him in the bollocks - because I am shit scared of cliff edges and I would have been in fear for my life.

To then slap him is even worse, but the cliff edge thing would have had him dumped on the spot anyway. Just no.

Your poor, poor son OP - put yourself in his shoes. He's vulnerable and anxious and he could end up having this horrible man living with him.

Please get rid or if you must keep this man as a boyfriend, only see him when you're not with the DC, and don't have him in your home.

It may not be what you want to hear, but you are DS's mum and while he's a child you do need to put him first.

You need to reassure your DS right now is there any way at all you can get home. If not can you and your dc stay elsewhere for the remainder. Again if that is not possible I think you need to stay out of your presumably soon to be ex's way until you can get out of there.
Then he wouldn't see me for dust. The cliff thing was going too far that alone would throw up big red flags for me the slap would be the last straw.

You can't continue with this relationship without showing Ds it is ok for someone to hurt him if they want

Your DS probably does need counselling, because YOU have him in an environment where he is living in a state of fear.

Why wasn't your partner doing this to his own child rather than one that YOU BOTH know is an anxious child.

YOUR son was terrified and reacted in the only way he knew how too, and YOU side with his bully and ask him to apologise to the bully. I would have gone ape shit at your partner about the shear stupidity about A) messing about on the cliff edge, B) terrifying an already frighten child and C) Partner would be very clear about I felt about this and that I would be giving serious thought as to how our relationship would be moving forward to his Bullying of my child.

I'd have punched him and not apologised too.