New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

[LJayJay]

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

It sounds like your DS panicked and lashed out as he felt he had no other avenue to escape from a scary, painful situation. If he'd been listened to when he first started to cry he wouldn't have needed to hit him.
From your DP's perspective, yes it is hard sometimes to not feel a flash of anger if someone unexpectedly hurts you, but to act upon that by physically assaulting a child is deeply wrong. He needs anger management counselling. How can you expect DS to learn that hitting is wrong if a) when he attempts to escape a frightening situation non violently, I.e. by crying and asking for it to stop, he is ignored and b) a significant adult in his life models that very behaviour to him?!
With regards to DS I'd be having a chat about how you understand why he hit, and that you are sorry DP didn't put him down straight away. Then come up with a plan together for what he should do the next time he feels like hitting, with a promise from you to listen and take action when he asks for help.
As far as DP is concerned, your instinct was right about his temper and if you're going to have any hope of continuing a healthy relationship he needs to accept and admit his behaviour was wrong, without caveats or blaming anyone else, and then he needs to commit to serious and earnest work on controlling his anger. If he can't do this, leave and protect your babies.

I agree with everyone else, OP.

Please don't ever put a new partner ahead of your own child. You'll fuck him up forever.

LTB

Threads like this break my heart as you hope it's not real but it probably is and there is a poor child out there living this abusive nightmare, yet no one here can do anything to try and help them. OP I hope the responses on here are the wake up call that you so clearly need.

I think deep down you know what needs to be done. This man bullied an anxious child using his superior strength to do so. He didn’t stop when asked and he then hit the child.

Your DP may be right and you need to be addressing your relationship with your son, perhaps there are things that need improving. But one thing is clear - moving the two of them into together would not be good for him. No child should live with the fear or being bullied in their own home.

If you stay with this man you fail all your children. Stay with him and you will fail as a mother. It’s that simple

Pretty much. A little piece of your son will die inside if he doesn't see you protect him and show that there are consequences. My son has ASD and is very challenging. In 9 years my husband hadn't raised a hand to him nor does he take play too far so he's scared and never criticises our relationship. He's supportive and loving even during a meltdown or antsy behaviour.

Your bloke crossed a line you don't cross and there's no going back.... No matter how much he tries to deflect the blame onto you. He's basically told you what he thinks of your son deep down.

Either go home or if you can seperate as much as you can do your kids can enjoy their holiday. But this relationship is over.

But DS punching him also awful. It really wasn’t. Your DS was asking him to be put down and your DP didn’t respect that. If someone held me at the top of a cliff and didn’t stop when I asked them to, I would probably punch them too.

The type of person who doesn’t stop the joke when a child asks and is clearly upset is not someone you should have round your kids. This behaviour and his reaction to DS punching him is very telling. At least you have found out before you moved in but you should have taken your kids away immediately not sat in a cafe, etc. You need to show them that this behaviour is unacceptable.

Put it this way, if I knew who you were and I knew about this incident and that you were still with the boyfriend, I would be reporting you to social services pronto, and without a doubt they would take this extremely seriously. This is the type of situation where failure to protect children from an abusive partner can result in said children being removed from your cate, it's that serious and I hope if you don't get rid of Mr Bully, that your DS discloses what has happened to another adult who will take the necessary steps. The thought of your anxious son being frightened and bullied like this is just so upsetting. I'm sorry if this feels like being piled on by everyone but your boundaries are an absolute mess here and there are vulnerable children caught up in it

Leave him. I wouldn't have been in his company 5 minutes longer if he done that to my DS , it sends a really damaging message to your DS. I feel sick at the thought

Also , I'm assuming that as you've only been together 14 months that he hasn't long actually met your DS (could be way off the mark here) so if he is willing to do something this scary , out in the open , in front of you , so soon what will he be like further down the line? Oh god please don't hang around long enough to find out

Sorry OP this can't be nice for you.

In situations like this I really wish Mumsnet would step in and contact social services. There is a clear child protection issue here. As long as your child is in your care and you remain with your partner - your child is not safe.

He abused your child. What are you going to do about it apart from tell us what a great guy he is?

Nobody is allowed to terrify and hit a child.
Ditch this man as soon as possible, you can do better.

This post makes me feel nauseated, literally.

Your anxious child was scared at the top of a cliff because of your twat partner and then twat partner slapped him as well.

Please protect your child and get rid of this man.

Listen and leave, this breaks my heart.

Agree with PP - if you stay with him you need to be reported to social services, because you are unfit to parent.

I am really hoping the OP isn't coming back here as she's on her way home with her kids and has kicked this so called 'DP" to the kerb.

I suspect OP will not be back. I also suspect that some time in the next few hours MN will pull the thread on the spurious grounds that OP has been in touch and is worried she might have outed herself (aka OP didn't get the reassuring twaddle she was looking for).

Completely agree.

Your Ds was scared...this releases Adrenaline causing what is known as fight or flight syndrome. Ds was able to flee so he hit out.

The fault lies entirely with the adult who put him in this position.

Why didn't you step in sooner, OP?

Did you hesitate to tell your partner to put down your son because you were afraid of his reaction?

Does partner control you with the threat of his bad moods?

Your child literally thought he was in mortal danger and understandably tried to defend himself. Poor kid.

Now your bully partner thinks your son should apologise. And you are all at sea? Why the fuck do you think your poor 9 year old ds punching a grown man who was terrorising him "is awful"?

I don't know what's happened in your past that you can't see straight away that what this man did to a defenceless child was horrific and traumatising. But it concerns me that two men (neither of them being the child's parent) have basically told you in the last year and half that your parenting doesn't suit them.

I suspect you may well benefit from counselling yourself to try to understand why you have had back to back relationships with men who do not seem to have your, or your children's, interests at heart.

But at the very least, dump this asshole, and yes, get your poor DS to counselling to help him deal with what happened right under his mother's eyes. And apologise to him for not understanding instantly.

I’ve done a search and OP is genuine, I reckon. But she does seem preoccupied with relationships.

Littlebithippy OP's only obligation is to LTB and safeguard her kids immediately. Advising her to engage with him about counselling and the possibility of working on the relationship is really irresponsible and I'm concerned that OP will jump on your post as validation to stay with him.

OP, are you still on holiday?

Cut the trip short, pack your bags, get yourself and your children home. Make it clear to your partner that the relationship is over. Focus on your children for now, don't rush off to find a new partner any time soon.

Simple question really .

Is it ever ok to hit a child?
Most people would be horrified and say "no of course not"
By staying with someone that has hit a child, you'll be saying "Yes, it's fine"

Haven't read the whole thread but you need to end this relationship. He was incredible cruel to 'play' at threatening to throw your DS off a cliff (wtf!) and to slap him when he reacted naturally is just shocking. What a cunt. Get rid.

It would be over for me, OP.

I wouldn’t accept my DS’ own dad hitting or slapping them, something that I know that he would never EVER do, regardless of circumstances.

Yr son is just 9, and he’s a man, it’s not on at all. End it, otherwise your relationship with DS will suffer.

My rule is if someone puts their hands on me and makes me scared or uncomfortable, I have no qualms in physically responding to give myself space or protection or to get the other person to back off.

To qualify those words, it looks different in different situations - for example calmly taking a man's hand from off my waist in a club (ok, I told him to fuck off also...). In these circumstances? I'd have punched him too. I'd have been scared, and if my crying and whimpering hadn't given that impression enough, a little dose of pain passes the message on nicely, as well as being a purely instinctive reaction anyway. I'm not the sort of person that has great qualms about physical responses - 'all violence is wrong' is very simplistic.

Lashing out with a punch is very different to purposefully scaring someone, manhandling them, and hitting them because they hit you (especially if you provoked them in the first place!).