New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

[LJayJay]

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

@DancingDot I responded to your post on Site Stuff. It's probably best not to derail this thread with my answer

@dancingdot I agree this is a serious safeguarding issue. It makes me feel sick thinking of the child.

@brookside32 What. The. Fuck?

Time to leave that man I think.

@brookside32 Fuck off

No way would I be having that behaviour, LTB

You'd scare a child half to death? That's being more stern?

Brookside it may be clear to you that he wasn’t going to throw him off the cliff, but to an already anxious 9yo, especially when he didn’t put him down when he got upset, it would have been pretty damn real.

Do you know what getting tough and overly strict does to a child with anxiety? It makes them more anxious. As for your comment on kids knowing right from wrong despite the labels people put on them, have you any idea what it’s like to parent an anxious child, or child with asd or anything else where behaviour may be sometimes challenging? Not that the lads behaviour has been particularly bad since he was obviously scared, and most would react much the same way.

There's always one who feels the need to tie themselves in knots defending a violent man's behaviour. The OPs son, and any issues he may have, have got fuck all to do with him being assaulted by a grown man who the OP describes as seeming like a volcano waiting to erupt. So fuck off with your dangerous bullshit.

ODFOD

everything @brookside32 says may well be true.

still no excuse for pretending you are going to throw a terrifies child over a cliff, then slapping him.

first and foremost, finish the relationship

secondly, yes, maybe you do need to toughen up a bit as a mother.

A particular kid may be a little horror @brookside 32, but they still need the same protection from adult abuse as the angelic ones!

Your DP and ex Dp’s opinion of your relationship with your son is non of their business. He thinks your DS controls you? Well, I think your DP tries to control you and your DS. I think he has shown you that he does not respect your son’s boundaries or your boundaries. I think he has shown you that he is capable of violence. When a man shows you who he is, believe him.
Your gut is churning because it’s telling you that this man is not good enough to be your children’s Step-dad. Listen to your gut. Back your DS. Retain that close relationship with him.

The 1930s called, brookside, they want you to step in the Tardis and get out of here.

Brookside

Now I know where you are coming from. Maybe these men could see that DS is a little attached to his mum. We can't be sure if he is, we can't be sure why he is. Maybe they thought they could mention it and it would open the OPs eyes.

However you can't ever ever slap a kid for reacting to a terrifying situation. The poor boy had no control over his own body. He lashed out to regain some control over a situation he never wanted to be in. Most adults would do the same.

I was abused as a child. Shit like this story ALL the time. Abuse = Anxiety.
Also an anxious child can become more abused because the anxious behaviour of the child can encourage and enrage the abuser.
With adult eyes I can see where everything and every adult went wrong with my up bringing. I feel so let down by my mum for never standing up for me and putting me in harm's way. She rarely taught me the right and calm way to deal with a situation. It's been hard learning all this as an adult.

The boy needs security and he needs to be shown with love how to become a great man. He won't grow up to be happy if he is put down and shoved around constantly. Maybe he isn't disaplined well in every day life but he should never be disaplined with violence.
He also does not need to be disaplined for his reaction in this situation.

I’ll tell you a true story which happened to a friend.

She and her ds (similar age to yours, bit older) were arguing and she told him to go to bed. He refused and her new partner ended up dragging the kid upstairs and grazing him with carpet burns as he did so.

Kid told teachers the next day at school and SS were rung. The boy refused to return home and was put in foster care. There were younger children of hers who were put in the at risk register. SS told her she had to stop seeing the partner or all kids would be removed. She immediately complied but had SS regular (I think weekly) checks for the next year. She was deemed to have not protected her ds because she didn’t report it. She’s never seen her partner since but went through hell. He was charged with assault.

If your ds tells anyone (and I hope he does) then you need to be prepared for similar. Please certainly don’t let this man move in. Your son will never feel safe. I could not be in a relationship with someone who did this.

God this actually is making me feel so so sad for my child self. I wish someone had stuck up for me like you are all sticking up for this boy.

Good luck OP, I really hope you can be strong and do the right thing by your children. It can't be easy for you also. But remember you are the adult here and you have to do what's best for your children not yourself right now.

Get a real man who doesn’t hit 9 year old boys and thinks he’s God’s gift.
Telling you that your son is too attached to you I’ve heard it all now

OP never came back to the thread. Her poor son.

Sorry but your partner behaved terribly. I feel very sorry for your poor little boy who was terrified, tried to defend himself and was then told to apologise. This thread is unanimous. LISTEN!!

I agree with everyone else's comments.

Deep down I think you know what you need to do. He sounds like a narcissist tbh. If you move in with him you're trapped. And if you let him get away with it he'll carry on being a complete utter prick to your son. And what if it gets worse yeah it "might just be a slap" but what about next time??

If anyone touched any of my kids. Especially behaved like this when your son clearly is suffering. They'd be gone. No shadow of a doubt. Gone end of it.

Good luck and hope you make the right decision.

You can't blight ds's life by making him live with someone he doesn't like or trust. Sometimes a man (an inadequate man) feels threatened by another male person living in the house. He's already saying your Ds has a too close relationship with you and controls you. He's jealous. If you take him in, your ds will be the one to suffer.