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Step-parenting

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He lied about his kids and I hate them for it

136 replies

BoffinAu · 18/08/2018 15:13

I feel like the worst person in the world. My husband has three kids. Twin boys who are 8 and another boy 11 maths younger, so is 7. I have three boys of my own, one the same age as the twins (to the day), a four year old and a nine year old.
My husbands twins were born at 24 weeks. They've got issues. A lot of them. And he lied to me at the start of our relationship about them. Told me no problems from being premmie. They are both significantly on the spectrum, still wet the bed, struggle to communicate. The younger one has only ever been held to their standard so isn't faring much better.

I hate having them here. My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here. He can't stand them. There is such a glaring difference between my 8 year old and his, but it's taboo to discuss it. Yet it impacts every decision about what we do etc. His ex is crazy. As soon as she found out we were together, she faked having multiple sclerosis.

His kids make more work for me. I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine. Tonight I lost it and told the 5 that were here to clean up their mess(mine included) and his did nothing. One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

I hate the angry person I've become but I can't stand the situation or them. They are manipulative, slow, and so much work.!!

What on earth can I do??

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 03:07

@Waterfall010

I’m not looking to leave but I find the situ logistically tricky and emotionally draining with 1 dsd with sn and if ex decided we should have her ft not going to lie I would proper panic. Would probably have to leave my job for a start.

Why should you have to leave your job, Waterfall? This seems very unfair on you?

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 03:12

@Rebecca36

Did you not get to know his children before you married? It seems bizarre that you had no clue.

OP has explained that he didn't have contact with his kids then.

It would be good to know why and also why contact resumed after getting married.

Allthatsnot · 19/08/2018 03:40

What age did DH stop seeing his children? It is not unusual for severe preemies to have some developmental delay but they have usually caught up by school age. As you had met and got married in the years he wasn't bothering to see them its possible he wasn't fully aware of their problems.
His ex has brought up 3 children 2 with SN on her own with no help, I wonder what her version of events would be?
Your DHs behaviour is disgusting, he is abusive to your children and you are allowing him to do so and making excuses for him.

WanderingTrolley1 · 19/08/2018 03:58

Leave. For the sake of all involved.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2018 07:58

Calling them slow when they have difficulties because of being premature is heartless. I do not believe for one second you married him
not knowing ay of this.

while his pee themselves! Which they can't help because they have disabilities...

SHE didn't drive a wedge in your relationship- HE did. Whatever her actions, he is responsible for how he responds to them I agree. Op is blaming her dh's children, their mother, but not him...odd that!!

AuntieStella · 19/08/2018 08:19

We don't know what causes the DT's difficulties. DH said it was nit because they were premature - so the cause may (if discernible) may be something else entirely. Of course, that's assuming he's telling the truth about that bit.

And I have considerable sympathy with the XW. She has raised 3 DC with additional spends singlehandedly (no wonder she does not work!) and is prbbably finding that his parenting style makes things worse not better. Why she wouid lie to get him to spend more time parenting is beyond me though - that's assuming he's telling the truth about that.

The current situation is untenable. The weight of opinion here seems to be LTB before more harm is done to any of the DC.

Have you put any thought into what life wouid be like after a split? Including the practical issues of settlement and who will live where.

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/08/2018 08:20

I have Autism, and I do not blame you for not wanting to look after children with SN. I do think though that you have to be honest and put your own children first.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 19/08/2018 10:51

I think it's a hugely stressful situation. There is non ideal behavior and thoughts by both the op and her dh, which whilst understandable isn't compatible with a happy household. Either split permanently or live apart and "date".

Nooblynoo · 19/08/2018 11:00

He's the complete cock in all of this. I'm sure you're feeling ghastly about everything but the writing was on the wall.

He lied to you, she lied to him to make him help her, clearly he skipped off along Cheater Street and didn't give a toss.

A 20 year gap? Who is the oldest.

He has issues, you've married an issue. His children have gone through hell if he is the arrogance you are portraying and their mum is as mad as a box of frogs.

Either you sort it or you leave. It will help no one if you stay.

SillySallySingsSongs · 19/08/2018 11:21

Op is blaming her dh's children, their mother, but not him

Yep, plus some of the language you have used to describe your DSC is disgusting.

Having said that you need to seperate itisnt good for any of the DC and the blame for that is both yours and your DH.

Wdigin2this · 04/09/2018 23:09

Get out of this situation, it will only get worse, and it’s already affecting your DC. There’s nothing here but further misery for all concerned.
If you own the house, tell him to go, if you own it jointly, and you can afford to buy him out.....do it ASAP.

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