He lied about his kids and I hate them for it

[BoffinAu]

I feel like the worst person in the world. My husband has three kids. Twin boys who are 8 and another boy 11 maths younger, so is 7. I have three boys of my own, one the same age as the twins (to the day), a four year old and a nine year old.
My husbands twins were born at 24 weeks. They've got issues. A lot of them. And he lied to me at the start of our relationship about them. Told me no problems from being premmie. They are both significantly on the spectrum, still wet the bed, struggle to communicate. The younger one has only ever been held to their standard so isn't faring much better.

I hate having them here. My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here. He can't stand them. There is such a glaring difference between my 8 year old and his, but it's taboo to discuss it. Yet it impacts every decision about what we do etc. His ex is crazy. As soon as she found out we were together, she faked having multiple sclerosis.

His kids make more work for me. I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine. Tonight I lost it and told the 5 that were here to clean up their mess(mine included) and his did nothing. One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

I hate the angry person I've become but I can't stand the situation or them. They are manipulative, slow, and so much work.!!

What on earth can I do??

Also, OPs kids are routinely being screamed and shouted at (her words) by the man she brought into their lives and isn’t doing anything to stop him!

Valanice1989 "Why does almost every stepmother on MN have an OH with a crazy ex?"
Maybe MNers whose OHs claim their ex is crazy are more likely to find themselves in a situation where they need help? That situation being caused by their lying OHs who lied about their ex being crazy ?

WhereYouLeftIt I think you’ve nailed it.

Yetalkshitehen - Our 2 ASD and ADHD children were given up on by their birth mother. That's how come we came to adopt them and we certainly won't be giving up on them. So far from bullshit!

Doubletrouble99 so because one Mum couldn’t be arsed it happens routinely?
Not in my experience.

Yes to leaving for both your sake and your children's

Not everyone is suitable for taking on disabled stepchildren especially if they aren't aware there were issues in the first place.

It's different for parents. They have to get used to it.

You have the option of leaving so do it.

You have my sympathy OP. Being a step parent looks like the hardest job in the world, without these extra issues.

You’re a mother, you’re unhappy and your situation is making YOUR children unhappy. I think that is all you should focus on. Why give yourself and your sons a horrible home life? Is your husband really worth that? He doesn’t sound like a great catch.

I would leave and not look back.

You need to end it. Having SN children is a lifetime commitment, and if you can't stand them now then you must be prepared it is unlikely to get better. I don't blame you for not wanting to be a step-mum to SN children, it is exceptionally hard work!

What a sad situation. And I really feel for you op, you sound like you are absolutely rock bottom. It doesn't even really matter now how you got here and who's to blame, this is never, ever going to work. There is no "end date" with disabled children, they will always be dependent to some degree. You will never be able to love them and they deserve so much better than this.

If for no other reason, be strong for your own dc and find the resolve to end this toxic domestic situation. Poor, poor kids.

That sounds horrific.

There is nothing to be gained by staying. You need to split up, for everyone’s sake, particularly the children’s.

It will be hard and it will take strength. I hope you can find it OP. Saying will waste years, for all of you.

*staying

Those poor children.

Op.
Bless you. I’m in quite a similar situation. Understand very well your difficulties.
I knew what I was taking in (or thought I did) in getting married to my DH who has a child (age 8) with a similar developmental delay (18-24 months).
Ex also not being cooperative about contact so we were seeing her in the day when we married. She’s a very sweet girl and I thought she was lovely...after being a bit tentative beforehand because not much experience with kids with sn and zero experience as step mum. We have a daughter together she is 2, adores her.
So far so good- and much easier than your situation, I acknowledge.

But now we have overnight visits agreed, holidays etc.
Ex has gone from blocking contact to (I fear this and feel bad) possibly considering wanting us to have her full time?? Or maybe in the future. She has 2 other kids with the new guy she is with.
Dsd is like a toddler going through the clingy stage, but long term as the years pass. Results in pitched battles with dd to sit on my lap etc. Unable to not have adult interaction/reassurance for even a few mins without getting mega anxious.
It’s affecting my relationship with dd for sure. I’ve been given all sorts of advice like I should not even voice frustrations because the poor girl has sn (how I feel really) and that I am making my dd unsettled by not giving her enough attention.
I did give dd a cuddle after this advice and dsd was so distressed she invented a cough and was rolling on the floor at my feet in dire need due to this “cough”. This is quite funny but also it’s relentless and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe!
It’s tough and I have to really think about how to handle it.

So- you’re not a monster for struggling or even for overlooking your dc’s needs cos dss needs are so overwhelming. Also there are 2(3?) with sn!!! And you weren’t even knowing about this!!! So hard.
Where I’m at is realistically looking at the fact that “normal” dcs can get overlooked in terms of time and attention throughout their childhood when a sibling has sn. Add in that they are step siblings and it’s extra hard that parents attention on them is reduced.
I’m not looking to leave but I find the situ logistically tricky and emotionally draining with 1 dsd with sn and if ex decided we should have her ft not going to lie I would proper panic. Would probably have to leave my job for a start.
You have my sympathy and the advice I would give is the advice that I was given recently- check the impact on your dcs. Your dss have a lot of needs but your remit as step mum is limited and you and your dcs must not get lost in all this.

Did you not get to know his children before you married? It seems bizarre that you had no clue.

As someone else has said, your families are incompatible and it would be best for all concerned if you split.

I couldn't cope with the issues you raise here. I wonder if he was so detached that he didn't know his twins had autism and wet the bed at night.

The fact that your son hates them being over and be shouts at your DC...would have me ending it without question.

Your DC will grow up angry that you have created this situation for him (affecting your relationship with him) and when he's older might decide he'd rather live with his dad to get away.

Forgot to add.... I don't think you're a bad stepmum either.

Could be your DH withheld the truth knowing this isn't something a lot of women would not take on.

The deception would equally make me call time on the marriage. It's manipulation on his part.

Sorry but you sound fucking awful. In fact the post where you slag off two kids with ASD for wetting themselves and call them animals is terrible disableism and would normally see the post deleted here. People are being far kinder to you on the thread than you deserve.

*One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

because he was anxious/upset I would think*

This^^

I honestly think you need to bite the bullet and discuss splitting up, no wonder you’re at your wits end it sounds incredibly stressful.

On a side note his ex’s life doesn’t sound like a bed of roses either. This isn’t her fault, stop directing anger at her it’s a deflection mechanism and no good to anyone.

@MattBerrysHair I remember your thread and really felt for you. I hope you and DCs are doing ok

Totally agree with Sourpatchkid... why do new wives ALWAYS criticise the man's ex when she's not the who's lied to you or has the integrity issue. That's exactly how women get sucked into relationships like this, by focusing on the "enemy" ex instead of the man that's in front of them.... and men who lie know this!

@PerverseConverse We're all OK thanks. The house is definitely much calmer now. Dp and I are having a rocky time at the moment. Dss' behaviour has not improved at all and it's sapping all of dp's energy, which obviously impacts on the relationship. For the time being I'm happy with a bit of distance between us while he devotes his attention to dss, which is the way it should be. My dc's are enjoying having me to themselves, especially my youngest who loves creeping into my room at 5:00am for snoozy snuggles until the alarm goes off

I too think you should break up. Hating your step kids is not healthy at all. They have great needs too, more than most. They need patience and help.

Your post should have read my DP lied about his kids and I hate HIM for it. It’s not the kids fault.

He lied about his kids and screams at yours. Surely that's enough reason to leave even without you clearly not being happy to step parent more with additional needs

I can't imagine what you or your DH are thinking tbh.

Your DC are having such stressful childhoods. Both yours and his. Poor things must all feel totally stuck in the middle here. I feel incredibly sorry for all of them.

Do the right thing and split. ASAP.

Bringing up a child with sn is totally different to bringing up a child who is nt. it isn’t your sc fault that they wet themselves, any child who routinely wets themselves at 8 has some additional needs. Do you honestly think they do it on purpose to piss you off?

I agree with what others have said about the dc having his hand on his penis, he was probably anxious/ upset. Why did you feel
The need to bring it up? Why do you think an 8 year old with asd and developmental delay who was being told of had his hand on his penis? You obviously think it was relivant when discribing his poor behaviour in some way

You need to split up, it’s no good for those poor children who have SN to be in a house with you. And for your 9 year old to go to friends whenever they are there because he won’t be around them. What on Earth are you thinking?

It’s not the dcs fault or your partners ex. This is down to your partner and your stupidity in marrying someone who’s children you hadn’t even met