He lied about his kids and I hate them for it

[BoffinAu]

I feel like the worst person in the world. My husband has three kids. Twin boys who are 8 and another boy 11 maths younger, so is 7. I have three boys of my own, one the same age as the twins (to the day), a four year old and a nine year old.
My husbands twins were born at 24 weeks. They've got issues. A lot of them. And he lied to me at the start of our relationship about them. Told me no problems from being premmie. They are both significantly on the spectrum, still wet the bed, struggle to communicate. The younger one has only ever been held to their standard so isn't faring much better.

I hate having them here. My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here. He can't stand them. There is such a glaring difference between my 8 year old and his, but it's taboo to discuss it. Yet it impacts every decision about what we do etc. His ex is crazy. As soon as she found out we were together, she faked having multiple sclerosis.

His kids make more work for me. I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine. Tonight I lost it and told the 5 that were here to clean up their mess(mine included) and his did nothing. One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

I hate the angry person I've become but I can't stand the situation or them. They are manipulative, slow, and so much work.!!

What on earth can I do??

Imo as your life is not what you signed up for you are well entitled to walk away guilt free.
But staying will damage your dc if they don't buggar off to their df's full time before then.
Leave now.
You will feel a huge weight lifted and can enjoy your own dc stress free.
You are well within your rights to feel as you do.

How on earth do you land up married to a man whose young children you've never met?? When did they come back into his life, and under what circumstances?

Anyway, the whole thing is doomed.

And please don't begrudge his ExW child support, and his children any disability payments. And the 'animals' simile isn't nice.

His kids need help.

If the 2 eldest are on the spectrum, coming to a half absent father and being in the mix of 6 kids is going to be a nightmare scenario for them and will make everything worse. I have one dc in the position of those twins and I spend my entire life helping him and helping other people to help him.

I would get divorced and try and salvage things for your own kids. You can’t compare yours with his. You might think their mother lets them behave like animals but it’s likely she is doing her best in very difficult circumstances.

It's not right to presume all children born that early will have problems, I know a number who don't. But it was definitely a mistake to marry someone who had children without fully understanding their needs.

Why didn't he see them for a few years? Autism, delays etc can be really hard to come to terms with and know how to manage. It makes me wonder if he really knows how to cope. And I have sympathy for you OP, you've also been expected to know how to cope with autistic children despite having no experience (& having to explain to your own why the expectations for them in terms of behaviour are so different).

I agree with pp - you need to split up or at least live separately. He needs to learn to parent his own children you need to parent yours. By all means get together if you want, but your kids need the best of you and they're not getting it. Similarly your step kids don't deserve your anger.

If they have autism they will need support and a calm environment. Without stress. It doesn’t sound like either of you are able or willing to provide that.
If he had told you they were born at 24 weeks then you must have know they would require extra support. This is pretty standard for very premature children.
I expect the mother does have issues and isn’t just ‘on the sick’. It must be incredibly stressful manage her situation.
You likely need to walk away for everyone’s benefit.

The only thing possible is to end the relationship. His children's issues are actually irrelevant. He screams at your kids. That's enough to end it.

I am sitting here and wondering who the hell would marry someone without getting to know their children beforehand but even more importantly, that your children were happy to be suddenly thrust into a fairytale "blended family" situation?

I guess it's you OP.

As for what to do now, part of me thinks suck it up buttercup but the other half is put your children first and split.

Both sets of children are equally blameless in this mess.

Both you and he are entirely at fault here.

Poor kids.

You need to step up and protect your own kids from this horrible mess.

Split up and focus on making your kids ok. The situation is untenable.

He screams at your kids. That's enough to end it.

Yep.

Divorce. That's the only option left here.

you really really need to leave.

Take your kids and go.

I think he actually loves my kids he screams and carriers on, because I think he's trying to get them to be everything they can be

Oh come on, who are you trying to convince? Yourself?

His kids aren't the problem here, he is. Any man who screamed at my kids would never spend another night in their home, ever. Carry on as you are and your kids will end up hating you. As a single parent myself it astounds me what women will put up with for the sake of having a man, even the abuse of their own kids.

My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here.

This plus the fact that your husband screams at your kids means the only option for me would be to leave.

You hate his children, and appear to have little understanding of autism and developmental delay. He shouts at your children. You acknowledge that you are all miserable. There is no other option but to end this now.

My DS is 9, and has autism and SLD. He will frequently be found with his hands down him pants, penis in hand. Yes we are working on reducing this behaviour, teaching when it is and isn't appropriate etc, but it is very much a comfort thing for him.

There are lots of suggestions that could be made - visual timetables, learning some makaton to improve communication and so on, but i think that this is such a toxic family situation all round that nothing is going to improve things, not unless you are both fully committed, and prioritise all the childrens' needs.

His children are always going to have additional needs, if you can't deal with that you need to leave because it won't change.

Time to split.

He's yelling at your kids, you hate his kids, he's lied to you. He obviously has no interest in a blended family.

You need to separate and ASAP!

I feel a sad for his DC tbh

To be fair to your DH, maybe he was told by the hospital that the twins had "no problems from being premature." There's a chance they were discharged by the paediatric team with celebration, that they had hardly suffered at all from their early start in life, with their difficulties only coming to light later.

Your responsibility is to improve the lives of all concerned by divorcing as soon as possible.

Two of my sons have autism...I've needed endless patience with them..which if I was their step mum I'm not 100% sure I would have...I imagin he lied about them as he hoped you would grow to love them before you realised,he probably thought the truth would put you off...I think being a parent is about putting your children's needs before your own...I think for you and your dp to do that ,you probably need to split up for the sake of all the children ,and your mental health x

Sadly I think you need to finish the relationship. None of you sound happy.

Splitting is the only option. Things will be harder when you've got 6 teenage boys, 2 with SN.

Everyone is miserable. All 8 of you. Miserable.

You know what to do, but have my sympathy as it's really hard.

I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine.

He abuses your children. That is reason enough to leave. Your child doesn't feel happy in his own home. Reason enough to leave. Leave now.