He lied about his kids and I hate them for it

[BoffinAu]

I feel like the worst person in the world. My husband has three kids. Twin boys who are 8 and another boy 11 maths younger, so is 7. I have three boys of my own, one the same age as the twins (to the day), a four year old and a nine year old.
My husbands twins were born at 24 weeks. They've got issues. A lot of them. And he lied to me at the start of our relationship about them. Told me no problems from being premmie. They are both significantly on the spectrum, still wet the bed, struggle to communicate. The younger one has only ever been held to their standard so isn't faring much better.

I hate having them here. My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here. He can't stand them. There is such a glaring difference between my 8 year old and his, but it's taboo to discuss it. Yet it impacts every decision about what we do etc. His ex is crazy. As soon as she found out we were together, she faked having multiple sclerosis.

His kids make more work for me. I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine. Tonight I lost it and told the 5 that were here to clean up their mess(mine included) and his did nothing. One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

I hate the angry person I've become but I can't stand the situation or them. They are manipulative, slow, and so much work.!!

What on earth can I do??

And you know what? If she's got two children and possibly 3 with such additional needs, I am not a bit surprised she doesn't work.

Run and don’t look back. It all sounds exhausting. Your Ds doesn’t even like them and feels like the only way to cope is to leave the house. To feel like this at 9 must be awful and I think this alone should be a kick up the bum to get out of the relationship. He and his brothers need you to put them first.

You're all right. I am a horrible person. I hate who I've become. And yes, I sagged her. I will never forgive her for driving a wedge in our relationship by withholding the kids from him. Or lying about Ms so he would go running and stay with the kids at her house. And because she figured welfare wouldn't make her work if she was 'sick'.

It's a shitty situation. I think he actually loves my kids he screams and carriers on, because I think he's trying to get them to be everything they can be, because it won't happen for his. He pushes mine too hard, and then when compared to his, everything is overwhelming. I can't keep letting this affect my 9yo. I'm miserable, he's miserable. The kids, all 6, are miserable, but neither of us is brave enough to pull the plug. So yeah, I accept the harsh comments but there's always more to this sort of situation than meets the eye, right?

Why can't he have his kids when yours go to dad?

Split the fuck up. You hate each other’s kids - this is a shitfest for everyone concerned. The way you are describing his boys tells me that they truly shouldn’t be put in the position of having you feature in their lives. You and your dh get a choice...they do not.
Fgs do the right thing and go your separate ways!

One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

because he was anxious/upset I would think

Run as fast as you can.

Why did you get married so soon after the end of one relationship especially when you hadn't met his kids?

So he screams and shouts at your kids which you apparently allow?

You have no understanding of autism and apparently no will to understand and hate his kids?

What else is there to the situation that we’re missing?

Split.

He hates your kids and you’ve just spent pages slating his autistic kids.

So what exactly was it you were looking for?

Oh and referring to the behaviour of distressed, frightened autistic kids by labelling as “animals” is fucking disgusting.

He screams at yours.

You hate his.

Honestly, you must do your duty to your own children and get the hell out of there.

It won't be beneficial for his to be competing with yours and you can't stand them.

Splitting up would be a blessing all round for all the children, I suspect.

Ignore posters saying you are horrible
Not at all
You were thoroughly conned

You must get a divorce
It sounds horrendous

And I know a number of kids born at 24 weeks and the ones with no issues are rare. Most kids born that early - especially 8 or 9 years ago and being twins who tend to be smaller - will have issues.

I mean, I get that their dad wouldn't want to face up to their issues, perhaps, but surely before you married him and introduced his kids and your kids you'd have done some research?

Look. For a squillion reasons you and you H need to stop and reassess what you have done.

You are being horrid about his kids, hardly surprising given the lies, omissions and discrepancies in attitude you describe. That this is affecting your DC makes a reassessment vital

He is being horrid to your kids, who cares what his reasoning is, it is affecting them, he obviously has 3 DC and an ex who need his support, he hasn't been honest to you, probably not to himself either.

So yes, split up. Maybe only temporarily while you have proper in depth discussions without the every day hubbub to distract you. But you can't carry in as you are...

I feel so sad for all of you.
I highly doubt that at their age and with the problems you describe, they are manipulative. However, your Dh is not covering himself in glory. When did you find out about his children's problems? I can see it might be possible that as they are his eldest children he might not have realised just how bad they are, but, having got to know your children and having seen what is 'normal' (don't mean that badly), I am also not surprised he finds it hard to acknowledge the differences. None of which makes it easier for you or your dcs. It is not acceptable for him to scream at your kids. The only time that would be anywhere approaching acceptable would be if he was screaming at them to prevent an accident -kuds running into the road etc. It should never be acceptable for him to scream at them from a discipline pov.
I honestly think there needs to be a huge discussion here - cards on the table if you like. I suspect the children and him and the ex, possibly need some support and am surprised that school hasn't already picked up on this. Either way, you cannot and should not, be expected to continue like this. I am very much in favour of making a relationship work, but not at the expense of your sanity and your children's well-being. If he won't begin to accept and deal with the situation, you seriously need to decide whether the marriage is worth your children's well-being.

I can't get past the fact you married someone without meeting his children

Leave. Leaveleaveleave!

This will NEVER work and you and your children will NEVER be happy. His children will most likely remain dependent on him for the rest of their lives so there will be no end.

Why on earth would you stay?

What a sad and difficult situation for everyone. You need to do whatever is best for the children.

Split up.
Even if he was the most amazing man and the love of your life there will be 5 lives being made worse by you staying together.

What sourpatch said. You're banging on about the wrong person. He lied to you, you married him without ever having met his kids, he shouts at your kids whilst treating his like 'god's gifts' and you'll 'never forgive' her?

Seriously, this will never work (it rarely does when so many kids are involved).

You need to get your kids away from this situation.

There's nothing to save here.

You should divorce.

This relationship is over. Time for you both to put your own children first. Separate and move on.

SHE didn't drive a wedge in your relationship- HE did. Whatever her actions, he is responsible for how he responds to them.

This isn't her fault, stop making it about her.

Step parenting and merging two families is the hardest thing in the world as you and your partner are experiencing. Mentally cut yourself some slack. It takes about 5 years to build a new family. You won't feel the same way about each other's kids as your own and you will resent them. This is normal and if you can let this go and stop beating yourself up it will help you form more realistic relationships with each other's kids. It really does sound like your son who stays away is getting a raw deal st the moment. On top of merging two different families you've got an x who is making a lot of stress. If you think you can work it out you need to come up with some practical compromises.
I.e cutting down or off contact with X to all but essential communications.
Which kids are with which parent when.
Respite for both of you and dates.
I haven't read all posts so I may have missed some details. You've got a tough gig if you want to pull this off it will take time, but it can only work if you two can communicate. Goodluck

For the good of all 6 children you need to split up.

You hate the step parent you are, he isnt a good step parent either; the more to the situation is whose fault it is but ultimately it doesnt matter

I would think the two 8tear olds will need care all their lives so your own will always come second to that. Plus an uncooperative DM so little chance of supporting their needs - I would not stay together