He lied about his kids and I hate them for it

[BoffinAu]

I feel like the worst person in the world. My husband has three kids. Twin boys who are 8 and another boy 11 maths younger, so is 7. I have three boys of my own, one the same age as the twins (to the day), a four year old and a nine year old.
My husbands twins were born at 24 weeks. They've got issues. A lot of them. And he lied to me at the start of our relationship about them. Told me no problems from being premmie. They are both significantly on the spectrum, still wet the bed, struggle to communicate. The younger one has only ever been held to their standard so isn't faring much better.

I hate having them here. My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here. He can't stand them. There is such a glaring difference between my 8 year old and his, but it's taboo to discuss it. Yet it impacts every decision about what we do etc. His ex is crazy. As soon as she found out we were together, she faked having multiple sclerosis.

His kids make more work for me. I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine. Tonight I lost it and told the 5 that were here to clean up their mess(mine included) and his did nothing. One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

I hate the angry person I've become but I can't stand the situation or them. They are manipulative, slow, and so much work.!!

What on earth can I do??

As someone with kids with additional needs I can see why he would be hard on your kids. Because your kids have no 'issues', no medical reason to be anything but perfectly behaved. But as others have said, noone is gaining anything from this relationship as it stands

He sounds vile and his behaviour is driving a wedge between you and your DCs. Leave him!

ALL the bairns deserve more than they're getting. If that means separating so you can each learn to deal with and understand the problems of your own kids , then so be it.
Good Luck

I don't blame you for feeling stressed and angry and letting it out here. You were manipulated and forced into a situation that is unmanageable. But for the sake of all the children, you need to leave ASAP. In the meantime, defer your stepchildren's care to their father and tell him you will take sole responsibility for yours.

I can't see this working at all. I would however say that parenting children on the spectrum is entirely different to parenting 'normal' children. So his twins will not react the way you expect yours to.
His ex may well have long given up trying to parent her children as it really is extremely difficult and to have 2 is almost impossible.

What should you do? Well for starters, stop blaming yourself for this shitshow, and start blaming your husband. He lied. He lied to manipulate you into a relationship, a relationship that is hurting you and is very much hurting your eldest son. Everything else that is wrong is based on that initial lying BY HIM.

No matter the behaviour of his ex-wife (pretending to have MS is truly vile), she is really irrelevant here. She's got three small children, two with special needs since birth. Of course she doesn't work! Don't judge her, particularly not through the lens of your husband's words. He's a liar, remember? Stop resenting the woman he fucked over in the past (her), and concentrate on the woman he's fucking over now (you).

Accept that he conned you. Accept that he is horrible to your children. Stop kidding yourself that he really loves them, that he "screams" at them because "he's trying to get them to be everything they can be". No, he screams at them because he's a shit. This is a man who abandoned his own children. (I seriously doubt she withheld them from him. That doesn't gel with her pretending to have MS to guilt him back to them, does it?)

This relationship is not working. I'd bet money it CANNOT work. And it is damaging your eldest son (and probably the others too, only your eldest is able to express himself about it yet). If you won't do it for yourself, preferring to beat yourself up about it - DO IT FOR YOUR SON. Separate and divorce, and thank your lucky stars you have no children by this man tying you to him. Dig out the paperwork, start getting your financial and practical ducks in a row, and get a divorce. It is the best thong you can do for yourself and your children.

Everything WhereYouLeftIt says.

I don't blame you for being stressed and letting off steam on here OP. It sounds like a horrible situation and I don't think you're a bad person.
Ultimately:
Your husband has lied
There is zero consistency between your step children's two houses
You are stressed and hate the situation with your step children (probably exaccerbated by the lack of routine and stability between their mum and dad's houses)
For whatever reason the ex is a massive pain (not going to change as that's between your husband and the ex)
Your husband yells at your child and your child is miserable
Your family set ups are not compatible at all.

You know what you have to do really.

I have a friend in a similar situation with a blended family and one child with additional needs. They have put the children first and taken their relationship back to the earlier days of dating. They live separately and only spend time together when there is time without the DC's. ( DC's with other parent). This has given all DC's stability especially the DC with additional needs and given their relationship quality ( though admittedly much, much less) time.

What everyone else said. This is so utterly grim for all of you and the children need to be rescued from it by their respective parents.

Sort out your finances and practical arrangements and put your energy into building a nice home for your boys where they don't get yelled at by lying arseholes and their mother isn't stressed to fuckery.

It sounds awful. For a start could both of you stop saying much to the children of the other of any kind. Could each of you just cook for your own children when his are with you and each just do the washing of your own children and each never tell off or shout at the children of the other?

Your priority needs to be your own children, not his and they need protecting from these poor children with special needs who need more than you should have to give. Could your husband hire a carer for them at weekends? We had a lovely sixth former on Sunday mornings for our twins to allow us more time with our other children? Could he take his twins out for the day when they are there say all day Sundays so you get time in the house with just your own children that day?

Have you thought of counselling or is this a crap suggestion? Maybe a trial separation but I am sorry to say I think the future looks bleak for you if you stay together. 🤔🤔🤔

If you want any kind of relationship with your children when they are adults you need to split from this man. Your 9 yo is already pulling away from you. You will shortly loose him and the others will follow suit. Your children’s well being is so much more important than being with this man.

I feel sorry for his kids. At least without you and your children around as a distraction your husband perhaps has half a chance of having a good relationship with them and helping his youngest ds, who by the sound of it is being neglected. No way should a man with children with complex needs got with a woman with primary school aged children.

You’ve both acted very irresponsibly.

Three options:

1. carry on as you are
2. change the situation -ie. enforce discipline, boundaries, rules etc when sc are your house.
3. leave

Maybe consider option for 3, 6 months or a year, before option 3).

Doesn’t sound an easy situation.

However did you get into this pickle?

Anyway we are where we are. What's the first priority to you? Your biological children. What should be the second priority to you? You. You might argue that the second priority should be your DH's children or your DH - that's all fine of course. It doesn't actually matter what the second priority is because this situation can be resolved by reference to the first priority. Your children!

So this means you need to leave the husband. He's harming the development of your children. It's just that simple.

This sounds really awful for everyone. Is there any reason for you not to split from him? I don't really understand why you want to stay in this situation.

Three boys are routinely screamed at. The other three are called manipulative, slow, animals and are hated.

You two need to split up urgently. Those poor children. What a disgraceful, toxic situation.

It is absolutely no good hating yourself OP.
People make mistakes and you realise that you have made big one.
It's a horrible feeling especially when you have been really mislead and lied to no matter how that came about.

Put yourself and your own childrens' emotional and physical wellbeing first and get your lives back
Leave the abusive H and his manipulative exW to bring up their own children.

Petalflowers, given that these children have SN and that part of the "bad behaviour" the OP is struggling with is wetting their bed and clutching their penis when anxious, how much damage do you think the OP could do if she spent 6 months trying to enforce her rules (presumably including no bed-wetting)? Quite a bit, I would say. And that damage would be with them long after the OP has gone out of their lives.

Actually making this relationship work would mean enormous funds of patience and understanding and sacrifice of their adult needs from both the OP and her husband, to meet the needs of the children with SN and make sure the other children are not short-changed. This would mean incredibly hard work where the adults would have to be calm and consistent at all times. Neither of them is prepared to do this.

Oh I can understand your post here. Your angry desperate venting. All those vile unspoken inner thoughts pouring out because you’re at the end of your tether. You do not sound ok.

You sound like a trapped little animal, lashing out at everything in discriminating. And that makes me want to put out my hand to help you. To reassure you. But also to calm your lashings out, like you would an animal just freaking out in anguish... because lashing out at innocent children is not the right thing to do. And I have this feeling you’re better than that normally. That you’re a bigger person than what this awful situation has made you become.

When you push people past their endurance, this is what happens.

So, in order... tend to you first. Because you need help. Then when you’re not in anguish, in extremis, as it were, then you’ll see everything differently.

And then, you can aim your stick at the right target (I mean your metaphorical hitting stick :) this seasons must have item!).

And that’s not two little boys with special needs and a terribly harmful home life. Or any of the children, yours OR his. Like your eldest son who wants to get away so badly he appears to be happy to live anywhere but in the house where his mum is.

I’d bloody hate that. I am home for my ds. He still comes to snuggle up with me at night sometimes. Because where I am is where my sons most comforting and safest place to be is, when nightmares strike, or Minecraft goes horribly wrong! I’d hate that he had to go away from me, to escape from where I am to find emotional safety and comfort etc.

And ok, maybe she’s a nightmare, but I suspect there’s a tale behind that and it’s not an ‘angel-devil’ kinda thang.

Who hasn’t been held in any way responsible or accountable for his actions in this? I think you need to turn your eyes to your husband in all this, and think about his role. Hummmn.

This is one of the saddest threads You could try counselling to work through the problems, which may help you to develop strategies to cope. Alternatively call time on the relationship as it is not fair on the any of the children.

End the relationship with your DH and do so quickly. You can’t carry on like this and neither can your children.

The only guilt you should feel is the fact you are staying in this awful situation, not the fact you want to get out of it.

Leave and don’t look back.

Why does almost every stepmother on MN have an OH with a crazy ex? Do virtually no sane women ever separate from the father of their children? (I'm not being sarcastic; I find it strange.)

This looks to be an almost impossible situation for you.

Sadly, you can't separate the man from his children and you can't allow him to separate you from yours. They are first priorities for you both. If this can't be fixed - you need to separate for everyone.

To stay together you need to negotiate new ways of dealing with all the children. It sounds as if this would have to be in separate groups at first because the rules are different for all of them. His children and your children will need to be at your house on different days/nights. Being seen to be fair will matter much in this sort of situation.

The two of you need to sit down and decide how you are going to be fair to all the children. What can you agree to with his? What must he do to fit in with yours? Talk - and really think about the little everyday details.

If you can't sort this out in words - then there is no chance of it working in life.

His ex may well have long given up trying to parent her children as it really is extremely difficult and to have 2 is almost impossible

I’m sorry but that is bullshit. I’ve never known any parent of children with ASN to “give up”, and it’s not almost impossible. I’ve got 3 autistic kids, and it is not impossible.

It’s not the mother who has checked out of responsibility here, it’s the couple who married without meeting the children and are too gutless to put their own kids first!

Op I think your getting a hard time here. Your not cut out for kids with learning and developmental delays. That's ok not many people are. The kindest thing you can do is acknowledge the situation your all living in and make some changes.