Is it ok?

[Ellis85]

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

@DebbieDay888 ... look we all know that most ex's feel threatened by step mums ... so they have to hide behind their children to make it appear it's about the children where half the time it's about themselves and they don't actually give a shit ...

That's right ... step mothers are a threat to you! You've been replaced by a new wife .. and you are scared this woman will become more important to your children then you!

Grow up the lot of you ... the OP came on here for advice... to discuss her feelings ... and for once not the child feelings!

Those who disagree take a step back and THINK of this scared little girl who’s having SURGERY on her HEART this isn’t having you’re tonsils out. She most likely wants her parents there and is highly likely frightened I know I would be as an act having surgery on my heart. Op has no right as such a short relationship to kick off over them travelling and staying over at her dp sisters. It’s highly doubtful they will start an affair. There main focus is rightly their child.

It is your insistence that this child and her parents are no longer a family that jars Debbie. By OP's account they are very amicable and co-parent well together, if this includes travelling together for their child to have heart surgery what is the issue? In OP's partner's shoes I would be reconsidering the relationship if she chose to push this at such a worrying time.

@Snappedandfarted2018 you're right. See you all later.

Honestly any stepmums that read this thread and realise how ridiculous this is, private message me and I'll tell you where to go to get some decent advice, that includes you OP. Good luck and I hope your stepchild recovers. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are unreasonable for feeling as you do. xx

What a lovely child focused post moodance.

There is nothing to suggest the child's mother is any of the horrid things you describe. Maybe she just doesn't want a relative stranger around when she will be anxious, upset. Maybe she wants some privacy so that she can wail and cry if needed. She isn't insisting on leaving the OP out whilst inviting someone else herself.

The mother and father decided not to be a fmaily anymore when they seperated.

@debbieday888 I agree with almost everything else you say, but this part is not correct. You can't erase a child's family in this way. I'm an adult now and have a family of my own, but my nuclear family of birth is my mother, father, sister and me. My parents didn't get to "decide not to be a family any more" when they separated. That was impossible. They are my parents and MY family.

I would think the reason for them all staying together would be that both parents want to spend the evening and morning before with their child, as they will have at the back of their heads the thought of what if something does go wrong.
Its not wrong for the dad to want to do this, its not wrong for the mum to not want to feel like a third wheel and be around someone she doesn't know well during an emotional time like this.
It is also not wrong for OP to feel a bit insecure/excluded but hopefully she can understand this is a one off and not add to her DPs stress as from the first post she sounds reasonable, unlike debbie.

Nothing you've described seems unreasonable to me at all.
I get her you want to be there and that's really nice. But you aren't her parent-she has two amicable and responsible parents and they both want to be with her during what is no doubt an incredible stressful time. It obviously wouldn't be the easiest social situation to spend time with your co parents new partner-and it's not something the mum or indeed the kid (who may also feel awkward about it all) should have to contend with at the same time as heart surgery.

Support your partner by being a listening ear and by not being offended by this-and understanding the situation.

For context I live with my partner and my two kids. If one of them were to be admitted to hospital as much as he loves them he wouldn't dream of coming unless for something practical, and only then if it was ok with their Dad. And that's a much longer relationship we are talking about.
It's just about being very sensitive I think and putting your personal feelings aside.

Ditto for the mum being in contact to check the kid is ok more. Of course that's going to happen-you can't be offended by that.

If he was staying over with his Ex because they were taking her on a trip to Thorpe Park then yes, I'd totally understand your feelings. However, their daughter is having heart surgery! It's not on the same level.

In the kindest way, OP - I have jars in the back of my cupboard that are older than your relationship. So although it's coming from a palace of love from you, It's right you are not there.

Best wishes for your boyfriend's daughter and a speedy recovery.

@PrettyLovely

Driving up together and staying the night together isnt right.
Honestly I would leave I think there is so much going on in this situation, I believe you are probably feeling like a spare part.
No one should ever feel like that in a relationship regardless of what is going on.
I would never drive up and spend the night with my ex, I would drive up with my partner and see them in the evenings along with the child.

This is spot on. None of use are saying they shouldn't be at the appointment. But NO WAY should they be staying overnight together. Just no. I really thought even the non step parents here would get that! I know my partner's ex and new partner wouldn't do this in a million years either. We would travel as two couples, stay over night as two couples. The parents visit the hospital, the partner's stay behind and will visit when the parent's feel appropriate. The partners travel home as two couples. Luna this is what I mean by two families, I am sure your stepmother would have felt exactly the same.

Of course it's relevant Debbie! Simply being a partner of a child's parent doesn't make you a step-parent to that child. And it definitely doesn't give you any rights with regards to attending hospital appointments!

OP hasn't said if she lives with her partner, just that she spends a lot of time with the kids.

no they are not! My stepchildren are very young and call me, OH and them one family. Then mummy, step-daddy and them their other family. We didn't even tell them this, this is what they understand and how they deal with a split/blended family.

Well my 9 year old has never known a time when his stepmother wasn’t his stepmother (she was there since he was a year old.) and when he talks about his family he talks about me, his brother, his dad, his half sister, my sister, my parents, his other aunts and his other grandparents. Sometimes he will say “I guess (stepmum name) is kind of like family too as she is married to dad.” So according to my son, his mum and dad are his family. He doesn’t have an “other” family. He has his family, which includes both his parents.

Actually Debbie my stepmum had the decency to allow us kids to define for ourselves who are family was.

*our

and my point about not acting like a family, was the drive up together and all staying over night in his sister's house.

Well that’s just practical isn’t it! They’re both going up to the same place, at the same time, for the same reason, with the same child. Any objections you have to that are based on insecurities. They’re not shagging. They’re taking their child to hospital.

Well it's a difficult one.
OP I get how you feel...Peronally I don't think your DP and the ex spending night together is acceptable.
I wouldn't personally want to be at the hospital and see no problem with girls mother and father there together BUT the staying all together at sisters house would be a deal breaker.
ICanOnlyLaugh
You can't erase a child's family in this way. I'm an adult now and have a family of my own, but my nuclear family of birth is my mother, father, sister and me. My parents didn't get to "decide not to be a family any more" when they separated. That was impossible. They are my parents and MY family.

The thing is ICanOnlyLaugh that if your parents are divorced your family is BROKEN. Yes individually you still have your mother and your father but as a UNIT they no longer exist. They actually DO get to decide to break YOUR family like that...Which is sad but not step parents fault.

When my daughter was having major surgery on her ear my exh and I travelled with her and stayed with her, yes overnight.
Oddly enough we managed not to rip each other's clothes off whilst our daughter was in operation prep .
We went together because we both wanted to be there for her and with her, because it was the most practical option and most importantly because it was what she wanted. And actually no one else would be able to support her the way her two actual parents did.
My partner didn't object. Because who in their right mind would fuss about the practicalities of a journey and insist on separate travel at a stressful and horrible time like that? How insecure would you have to be? The mind boggles.
My exh is horrible to me. But we co parent. And as such, for the kids, we suck stuff like this up and make sure we work together for their sake-and new partners have to understand that. Kids first,Everything else second in situations like this.

Debbie why do you feel so outraged at the prospect of two parents sharing a drive and home in exceptional circumstances?

What do you think will happen? That they discover they still have feelings with each other and decide to give their relationship another go?

Being separated doesn't mean you can't be friendly with each other especially in such circumstances. I know many separated parents who remain on very good terms even with new partners.

Your reaction and that of OP screams of insecurity.

It is actually likely that one of the parents will spend the night with the child on the ward anyway. Even if not, staying overnight at the sisters is surely just a practical place to crash before getting back to the hospital first thing. What is the issue with this? Do posters who object think they are going to be shagging or something? A post upthread is all about how insecure and jealous the exes are yet numerous posters on here are so insecure that they would object to two parents travelling together for their child to have heart surgery. It's pathetic. And if a woman was posting in relationships that her new boyfriend was saying some of the stuff being spouted on here whilst she was dealing with a sick child she would be told to dump his controlling ass.

Honestly any stepmums that read this thread and realise how ridiculous this is, private message me and I'll tell you where to go to get some decent advice, that includes you OP. Good luck and I hope your stepchild recovers. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are unreasonable for feeling as you do. xx
Is that because you dont like the replies?

YOu can feel left out op, ofcourse you can, but right now the most important thing is that little girl.
I don't think the ex has done anything wrong saying she only wants the 3 of them, or even saying they can stay and travel together ( shows they've come along way to be this amicable).
You’ve only been together 20months.
Focus on when this little girl comes out.
It’s clear how much you care, and she will need your support ( and your dp) when she comes home.

@LunaTrap .... but it isn't about the child here ... it's about OP and her feelings Doh. She was asking for advice... measured advice instead she got posters beating their drums.

The only feelings that matter in this are the little girl who is having heart surgery. If it made her feel better to have her parents with her during that time then that's what she should get.

If one of my children was having surgery I'd do anything to make it as easy as possible for them.

So what advice was your rant about jealous exes who don't even care about their kids supposed to give moodance? There is nothing to suggest that applies to this child's mother at all. And you don't think that a thread about a child having heart surgery should be focused on the child? Seriously?

I have been with my husband for 14 years and I wouldn't expect to be involved in major surgery on my 16yo dss any more than supporting my husband.

Op, support your bf.
Offer to take the other child out for a burger on the day.
Buy a card.
A present.
Maybe buy a dvd/book/deck of cards for recovery period.
Be interested and ask questions.

All great and involved things that don't upset their mum and will stand you in great stead in the future.

Even if not, staying overnight at the sisters is surely just a practical place to crash before getting back to the hospital first thing

One of them- the ex really-should crash in a nearby hotel then.