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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is it ok?

265 replies

Ellis85 · 10/07/2018 09:08

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

OP posts:

CurlyRover · 10/07/2018 15:04

For those screaming it's inappropriate etc. Fwiw if your DP is going to cheat, they'll find a way no matter what. So either you trust your DP completely, or you don't and you feel simply being in the same house as an ex will lead them to stray - in which case maybe it's not the right relationship for you

Teggun · 10/07/2018 15:07

Eh?
You still haven't explained why you would need to chaperone your dh/dp Debbie?

You have agreed that you would not go to the hospital so the only reason for going is to guard your dh/dp. Which strikes me as needy and insecure.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/07/2018 15:08

Yep Debbie you said pretty much what I expected.

If you can’t trust your partner to spend time with his ex in the situation described in the OP then I think there are trust issues in the relationship. They aren’t taking the daughter for a fun day out, going out for dinner and sharing a hotel room, she is having heart surgery.

pallisers · 10/07/2018 15:08

So your partner either understands and you seek a way to deal with it (i.e separate cars and hotels, partner's travelling up too, parents at hotel) or you split up.

I vote for split up. If on the very first surgery a small child has had to have, someone who has been involved with the dad for 20 months is feeling that boundaries have been breached and is feeling betrayed and hurt that you weren't there along with the actual parents, it will only get worse. This isn't the relationship for the OP.

As always in these divorced/stepparent threads, it is astonishing how people are incapable of centering the children in these decisions. That this seems impossible when the issue is the actual child having serious surgery is truly astonishing.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 15:09

@CurlyRover it's not about cheating, it'about dynamics and ensuring everyone involved is considered.

Anyway I've said my piece on this one, so I'm done here. Clearly it's an emotive issue and we are never all going to agree. Please just stop with the negativity to OP and calling her names, it's super unhelpful and bullish.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 15:16

ensuring everyone involved is considered

No, the 9 year old child having heart surgery needs to be considered, followed by her parents who should be allowed to put in place the best arrangements for them and their child at this difficult time. Any new partner demanding their feelings be centred at such a time has no business being in an adult relationship, especially one with kids involved.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 10/07/2018 15:17

thank you for your insightful response.

My insightful response was furthers upthread but you just stuck your fingers in your ears and stomped your feet.

nextflightoutplease · 10/07/2018 15:18

Maybe they can’t afford to stay in a hotel? Or what if they had nowhere to stay? Would it be acceptable for them both to stay under the one roof of a hotel, in separate rooms? Or would some here insist on separate hotels?

Anyway, it’s been 20 months. If you don’t live together, you’re nowhere near step parent level. If you do live together and he has 50/50, I find that far too soon for him to have shacked up and imposed someone else on his daughter so intensely and so soon, after end of his marriage only 3 yeas ago.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/07/2018 15:20

Debbie thank god your not my ds sm! You are clearly insecure about your step children’s mother and are projecting your issues in this thread. As for white cat do you think the two parents are going to be at like rabbits when their child is have life threatening surgery? That child as I said is most likely scared and can have comfort of both her parents at that time. Could you imagine if heaven forbid playing devils avodcate something happened to her? Atleast both her parents had the opportunity to see her and reassure her in a time her life which was scary.

OP You kick up a stink it will be remembered by everyone. Op is not a step mom she is there df gf she hasn’t been around long enough to be considered a step mom. The reason could end tomorrow and her dp have a new partner in a couple of months.

I could understand abit if you been in their lives for 5 or more years had dc of your own but even then I would advice to take a step back and offer support and help when needed.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/07/2018 15:22

Completely agree with this. It’s pretty appalling people are actually defending ops opinions instead of encouraging her to see the bigger picture that there is a child who is having life threatening surgery.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 15:29

Agree. I often roll my eyes at some of the posts on here but reading the OP I honestly thought the views would be unanimous. I'd be so embarrassed to post such selfish insecure nonsense that some have- demanding they be prioritized when a child is undergoing heart surgery FFS.

TheLastNigel · 10/07/2018 15:31

Debbie '99% of the time you put your stepchildren first' but in this case you'd choose the 1% you don't choose to do so to coincide with a 9 year olds heart surgery.
What a fantastic time that would be to prioritise yourself and your 'boundaries'

HollyGibney · 10/07/2018 16:13

Blended families have different dynamics. Whilst in a nuclear bio family the children will be put first before everyone and everything at all costs, this simply can't be the case in a blended family for it to work.

On the day a child is having heart surgery she absolutely can, and it is imperative she is put first. Sheesh, grow the fuck up Debbie. Your posts are utterly ludicrous given the situation.

PrettyLovely · 10/07/2018 16:16

"For those screaming it's inappropriate etc. Fwiw if your DP is going to cheat, they'll find a way no matter what."
It has absolutely nothing to do with cheating Its about having boundaries in your relationship and boundaries in the co parenting relationship.
In order for you to have a relationship with someone else after you split up from your ex you have to put boundaries in place for both relationships to work properly.
How hard is it to understand that

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 16:20

It's hard to understand that some adults would decide that their 'boundaries' were more important than the comfort of a young child undergoing heart surgery and making life as easy as possible for the parents I guess. To me choosing that moment to bleat on about your feelings, boundaries, dictating what should happen would be a massive red flag.

Chocolatelavender · 10/07/2018 16:23

Thank-you Teggun

PrettyLovely · 10/07/2018 16:24

But they arent lunatrap are they, she went along with it even though it went over what she seemed acceptable for her.
Op hasnt said a thing let alone "bleated on" or "dictated" anything.
Stop being so dramatic.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 16:26

I'm talking now about the other posters who have said that they wouldn't tolerate it. The thread has moved on quite a bit since the OP's one and only post.

PrettyLovely · 10/07/2018 16:27

No one has said to bleat on or to dictate though...

pallisers · 10/07/2018 16:28

In order for you to have a relationship with someone else after you split up from your ex you have to put boundaries in place for both relationships to work properly.
How hard is it to understand that confused

I really wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who decided that the time to put boundaries in place was the night before my daughter had surgery and the consequence of putting them in place was that my daughter wasn't going to spend the night with both parents.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/07/2018 16:30

Step moms can tak about vindictive ex wife’s or ex’s however there is also insecure selfish sm who expect to be priority even above the needs of their dp child/REN this is very much the case here and with some of the posters who are in agreement with her.

( that’s not to say all ex’s a vindictive or sm are insecure but both exist equally)

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 16:31

One poster has practically said that this instance is the 1% of the time when a child doesn't come first and others need to be considered! Seriously, why are you defending this?

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 16:33

Sorry, that was to Pretty. Have you read this thread and seen posters saying the mother should be in a hotel, they shouldn't be travelling together (with their child), all the stuff about the OP's boundaries and feelings mattering more it seems than a poorly child? It is indefensible and they should be embarrassed to have posted it.

PrettyLovely · 10/07/2018 16:36

Well thats good for you pallisers if that would be really important to you that your daughter would have both parents sleeping with her then that would be your choice.
Lets not forget this childs parents are split up this child is used to 50/50 care.
I know my step child would find it really weird if their parents spent the night together with them, it would definately not be a necessity to them having mum and Dad sleep over together. Infact I think he would find it weird, But I and his step dad have been in his life a long time and I suppose we all have boundaries that work for us.

Quartz2208 · 10/07/2018 16:40

Prettylovely you are right it is about boundaries but in this instance when the health of the a child the boundaries of the parents should be the ones looked at - and the mother has rightly asserted her boundaries in the co parenting relationship

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