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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it ok?

265 replies

Ellis85 · 10/07/2018 09:08

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 11:32

OP may have needs that she would like addressed with regards to her relationship. When somebody else's child is undergoing heart surgery is really not the time for her needs to be the focus, or even on anyone's radar frankly.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 10/07/2018 11:32

I’m guessing this girl has only know you for about a year. That’s really not the same as a parent. Sorry.

It's the above comments I have issues with and am frankly disgusted with.

There is nothing disgusting about suggesting that someone who has known a child for a year is not the same as a parent. Nothing at all.

Whether it's 20 months or 20 years, the amount of time, love, effort that many stepmother's put in to their relationships with step children is huge.

No, sorry, 20 years of parenting is entirely different to 20 months (if it is even 20 months in this situation) especially from the child's Point of view.

The stepmum, OH and child are a family now, not the mother.

Hmm you seem very confused. The child’s mother is her family. Seriously, this is true. She has two parents. Mother and father. Both are present for her hospital visit. That’s all she needs. Not partners of parents she has only known a year.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 11:39

Have any of you actually read what I've said? I AGREE that it should be the mother and father only at the hospital. I don't agree that they should be driving up together and staying overnight. I also don't agree that OP should be made to feel bad for feeling this way.

My comment about 20 years versus 20 months was in relation to step-parenting. And no I am not confused, the child, mother and father are NO LONGER a family and should not be acting like one, disregarding OP's feelings.

Seriously OP if you want to send me a private message I will give you the name of another forum where women will talk to you fairly and understand how you are feeling entirely. You will get similar advice, as if people read my post properly they would see I agree about the hospital visit, but it won't be done in such a bizarre, vile manner.

lifeisabeachsometimes · 10/07/2018 11:50

If you really want to come out of this situation with your dignity and a strong relationship with your dp the best course of action is to understand firstly the sickening worry that will be causing your dp, and secondly that they are focused and absolutely on the child. This isn’t about them.
But that little girl the biggest teddy you can find, write her the most loving card and balloons. Be the safe harbour that you dp will need when he comes home. Hold him and let him share the experience with you. Be there for the little one either in person or with toys.
What you do now will determine your future. Screw this up and it will never be forgotten. Show kindness, compassion and understanding now and all will be well.
One day if you have your own child you will understand the agony of having such a poorly child. Be kind and loving even if you feel left out.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 11:51

Also...the mother of my step-children has been with her other half LESS than 20 months. She left my OH for him, they have a baby on the way, he attends everything - school events, every child party, doctor's visits EVERYTHING. I, however, believe parent's evening, school events, hospital visits etc should be the parents only and have tried hard to respect this.

I am therefore by no means a stepmother that tries to take over and become 'mummy' but if I was in this situation I would 100% be driving to the hospital with my partner. We would not be staying overnight anywhere with the mother, but I would stay behind while the mother and father went to the hospital ALONE. I would see the child when my partner wanted me to and I would support him wholeheartedly throughout.

There is no way either my partner or the mother would think it was ok to be driving up and staying the night just them two excluding me and her partner. Never.

BounceAndClimb · 10/07/2018 11:55

I hope you can understand from some of these comments why she would only want the parents there (emotionally and for practical reasons of 2 visitors by bedside).

I also hope you can continue what sounds like a lovely set up that you have from the mention of days out all together sometimes.
She won't have meant this as an offense to you from the sound of the relations between everyone. I doubt she'd want her mum, siblings or anyone else there rather than just not wanting you there.

user1487168313 · 10/07/2018 11:56

@DebbieDay888 as a step mum, I also think your advice is practical and sensible.

"The OP could drive up with OH and stay with him the night, then stay behind with the sister and family until the child is well enough to have other visitors that aren't her parents. "

On top of that, OP can kindly offer to take care of the other kid when she is waiting, which will be very helpful.

MycatsaPirate · 10/07/2018 11:58

I'm a step parent and have been excluded from all sorts of things but something like this I agree, this should be the child and parents only. It's not a birthday party or a school event, it's heart surgery.

Who has the other child? Maybe you could have offered to have the six year old to help out while they are caught up looking after the child in hospital.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 10/07/2018 12:01

OP hasn't even said if she lives with her partner. I had assumed not, given that they have only been together for 20 months.
If they are not even living together, then I'm sorry, but she's not a step-parent at all.

smudgedlipstick · 10/07/2018 12:02

Why would you be there? Your the dads girlfriend that's it. Their child is having heart surgery and the mum is probably stressed enough as it is without having to deal with his new girlfriend being there. Let them deal with it themselves

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 10/07/2018 12:02

the child, mother and father are NO LONGER a family and should not be acting like one, disregarding OP's feelings

From the child’s point of view they are. And of course they can act like her family. How ridiculous. Some circumstances require mother and father to be in the same room andnbehave like the two parents of the same child. This is one of them.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 12:03

@IToldYouIWasFreaky o please. This is just utter nonsense. What is the point on commenting on posts with rubbish like this, it is neither relevant or helpful.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 12:05

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale no they are not! My stepchildren are very young and call me, OH and them one family. Then mummy, step-daddy and them their other family. We didn't even tell them this, this is what they understand and how they deal with a split/blended family.

And for the 50th time, I agree it should be mother and father only at the hospital!!!!! I don't agree with everything else. Sigh...banging head, brick wall.......

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/07/2018 12:08

DebbieDay888

So you logical every girlfriend that is present in these dc lives has a right to attend medical appointments and procedures regardless of length of time seriously get a grip and I say that with my dh who is been a sd for 8 years!

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 12:09

I don't agree that they should be driving up together and staying overnight

Why not? Presumably their child will also be travelling with them.

smudgedlipstick · 10/07/2018 12:09

Of course there still family, they share a child - they are her family, the woman who hasn't even been around 2 years is not family.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 12:09

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale and my point about not acting like a family, was the drive up together and all staying over night in his sister's house. Of course both parent's should be at the hospital, it goes without saying, plus I actually agree with you all that it should just be them. None of you are even remotely trying to understand or help OP here.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 12:10

@Snappedandfarted2018 o ffs. I give up. Maybe try reading all my posts and you will see how this comment is completely irrelevant.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 12:11

You think everytime a parent gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend they are a new family? If OP split up with her partner tomorrow she would never see the kids again.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 12:11

@LunaTrap I'm guessing you're not a step-parent to have to ask this question?

PrettyLovely · 10/07/2018 12:11

Driving up together and staying the night together isnt right.
Honestly I would leave I think there is so much going on in this situation, I believe you are probably feeling like a spare part.
No one should ever feel like that in a relationship regardless of what is going on.
I would never drive up and spend the night with my ex, I would drive up with my partner and see them in the evenings along with the child.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 12:13

@LunaTrap why do you assume 'everytime a parent splits up and gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend'. OP could be the first and only girlfriend since they split (I am) and she could have bonded hugely with the kids, be living with them half the week and be looking to marry OH. You have no clue about the circumstances you;re just jumping to irrational conclusions!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/07/2018 12:13

Debbie you got a chip on your shoulder if you hate this forum so much why you on it. Op is a new gf not even 2years everyone has RIGHTLY pointed out it’s not appropriate for her to be in attendance. Maybe the parents travelling down is to give some support and encourage to what is most likely a very scared little girl.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 12:13

I'm a stepchild Debbie, was raised by an amazing stepmum so no axe to grind. I also have a child who requires regular hospital and other appointments and would not want anyone other than myself and his father involved, a grandparent at a push.

Oopsy41 · 10/07/2018 12:14

**
Sorry but I wouldn't want you there either and am surprised that you would expect to be. Its good that you want to support your partner but the little girl is the most important person in this and she needs her parents

My post above wasn't meant with any kind of malice, it's difficult to get the tone right when writing something down. There are lots of children in my life that I love and am very close to but would not expect to be at the hospital with which is why I said I was surprised the op expected to be.