Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Is it ok?

265 replies

Ellis85 · 10/07/2018 09:08

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

OP posts:
ChuChuUa · 10/07/2018 14:14

Can someone please explain what is inappropriate about two co-parents spending the night at a family member's house whilst their child undergoes heart surgery? I genuinely don't get it.

Neither do I.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 14:15

So you don't have a reasonable explanation then? I didn't think so, I can't imagine wanting to admit that my jealousy or insecurity should be prioritized over the practical arrangements for a child undergoing heart surgery either.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 10/07/2018 14:15

I don't get it either Luna. It seems like the most practical and compassionate solution under the circumstances.

I find it hard to believe that a separated couple with an ill child would use that as an excuse to get it on just because they are under the same roof for one night but then I am not a step-parent so what do I know?! Hmm

Thesearmsofmine · 10/07/2018 14:15

I don’t get it either Luna.

Also for all we know it might be the daughter that would prefer op not to go along but mum didn’t want to say that.

pallisers · 10/07/2018 14:17

Would you be comfortable with your ex staying over night with your partner? With you at home alone? No. Because there is a child involved makes it no less inappropriate.

It was in his sister's house close to the hospital the night before their child had major surgery. How insecure do you have to be to get offended and threatened by this? If I were going out with someone and she expressed her offence at this, I'd regard it as a red flag of extreme neediness and insecurity.

This kid has some serious health issues - the diabetes will be ongoing. Both of her parents are trying to come to terms with it and find their feet. Her two parents are going to have to work together more than most divorced parents. Luckily they have a good relationship. If the OP is finding this hard at this stage, I think this relationship might not be right for her.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 14:26

Do I really have to explain something that is so painstakingly obvious? Why you're all acting dumb to get on your high horse is bizarre.

No extreme neediness or insecurity here thanks pallisers. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepchildren, trust my partner completely and have spent half my step-children's lives trying to rectify the damage their own mother has tried to inflict.

I'm afraid no matter what staying under the same roof as an ex without the other partner is highly, highly unreasonable. If he wants to be single and do that, then fine. It has nothing to do with insecurities.

PrettyLovely · 10/07/2018 14:27

Just because someone doesnt agree with you doesnt mean you have to label them insecure.
I dont think it matters for whatever "reason" is given, Its about having boundaries, Every relationship and co parenting relationship has them, and when they are crossed it causes feelings such as ops.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 14:27

Of course it is to do with insecurities, otherwise you would be able to explain something so 'painstakingly obvious' using words.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 14:30

If that is one of the OP's relationship boundaries then she has every right to end her relationship. She doesn't have the right to do what other posters are suggesting, which is demand that she comes along overnight too or that the mother sleeps in a hotel when the sister is willing to put her up.

WhiteCat1704 · 10/07/2018 14:35

And again
I'm afraid no matter what staying under the same roof as an ex without the other partner is highly, highly unreasonable. If he wants to be single and do that, then fine. It has nothing to do with insecurities

And this

Do I really have to explain something that is so painstakingly obvious? Why you're all acting dumb to get on your high horse is bizarre.

I agree fully.

Ps. I want to say again I think monther and father going to the hospital together with their child is appropriate and no issues with that. The other arrangements suggest to me that OPs relationship with her DP is not a very strong one as he has no boundaries with his ex. Given the lengh of time and no shared children I would strongly reconsider if this is who I want to be with.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/07/2018 14:37

Please explain this painstakingly obvious reason.

MinorRSole · 10/07/2018 14:39

It has everything to do with insecurities and I'm not sure why you struggle so hard to deny it. They aren't off on their jollies, they have made practical arrangements to ensure that their daughter has both parents available to her. This is putting the child first. Everyone else needs to put up and shut up. It's really that simple.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 14:41

Well it's irrelevant now anyway because they travelled and stayed together yesterday and presumably managed to contain themselves and focus on their child like the good parents they seem to be. Had OP made demands that they travel separately, that the mother sleep in a hotel, that her DP 'defends' her, it would likely have made a difficult day even worse and destroyed the current level of amiability they have. A good co-parenting relationship is invaluable and considering how many years they have of it yet should be prioritized over the insecurity of a pretty recent girlfriend IMO.

pallisers · 10/07/2018 14:42

I wasn''t talking about you Debbie so no idea why you are reassuring me about your security. I'm talking about the OP.

So, to make sure boundaries are in place and OP feels ok, either the father should have spent the night before surgery away from his daughter or the mother should? She should have gone to a hotel with the dd and left him at his sister's or he should have taken the child to his sister's and left her alone in a hotel?

Forget insecure, that is just unkind.

pallisers · 10/07/2018 14:44

The OP is, of course, entitled to whatever boundaries she wants. I don't think she should raise a fuss about them in the immediate aftermath of her boyfriend's child have serious surgery. She may want to think about how her partner parents with his ex. Because if it is working for them and their children, and it offends her boundaries, this may not be the relationship for her.

WhiteCat1704 · 10/07/2018 14:44

This is putting the child first.

Not really. OP was told not to be there by the ex wife. This is putting the ex wife first. DP is doing what ex wife requested.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 14:46

Ok here goes then...

Blended families have different dynamics. Whilst in a nuclear bio family the children will be put first before everyone and everything at all costs, this simply can't be the case in a blended family for it to work. Most SMs I know work super hard to bond with the child, often up against bitter, resentful ex's who are trying to destroy what you are trying to build (luckily for op it sounds like she doesn't have this). It is a thankless job and the hardest thing I, and I know many other SMs, have ever done. Please don't give me the 'you know what you were getting into' BS because I'm telling you now....we didn't.

Most of us love our stepkids and we will put them first 99% of the time, but there HAS to be boundaries, we have to look after ourselves too, we are only human - we are not super women.

This is one of those boundaries I'm afraid. Yes, on paper you all sound like you have a valid, perfectly reasonable argument. but sadly, this could be the start of a long-term illness which may require numerous hospital visits. Is it then ok for her partner to spend every visit travelling up as a family 'unit', sleeping overnight in his family home with his ex? Take the child out of the equation for 5 minutes and imagine how you would feel if your ex was spending this time with your partner. I know you'll all jump on that sentence 'but it's not about you/them it's about the child'. If OP is in this for the long-haul like I am, I am telling you this is not sustainable and it does effect YOU. So your partner either understands and you seek a way to deal with it (i.e separate cars and hotels, partner's travelling up too, parents at hotel) or you split up.

Not only as a SM are you asked to sit at home and worry about a child you love and spend half your time with, but you are also asked to sit at home knowing that your partner and his ex are together in this way. You can all call me selfish, insecure, needy, whatever. I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot you would fill this way.

moodance · 10/07/2018 14:51

Hurrah for @DebbieDay888

Chocolatelavender · 10/07/2018 14:56

DebbieDay888
'...if I was in this situation I would 100% be driving to the hospital with my partner'

As someone who was a step-mom before I had my own dd, I completely disagree with you. That sick little child who is about to have heart surgery deserves to spend that 2hr drive with both her parents. Even before I had my own dd I would have completely understood that. It would be cruel to deny this child this time in the car with her dad and her mum. Especially considering how scary this would be for her.

Op being a step-parent has its unique challenges. One of those challenges is accepting that your partner and his ex will always be connected to each other because they have children together. Another challenge is to know when to step back. Also, I believe children have a right to be able to contact their parents daily if that's what they want. If my child was staying with her dad 50% of the time I would want to be able to say goodnight to her, I'd be ok with her dad ringing every day or evening to talk to her. When parents separate it is incredibly beneficial for them if parents can maintain a healthy relationship with one another and co-parent which involves a lot more than just shared custody arrangements. Google co parenting so you can understand your partner's relationship with his ex better and to gain a better understanding of where the boundaries lie. The best thing you could do is take a step back and just be supportive.

Teggun · 10/07/2018 14:56

You can all call me selfish, insecure, needy, whatever. I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot you would fill this way.

DebbieDay your attitude shrieks selfishness, insecurity and neediness.

There is no other explanation for a blanket objection to 2 parents, no longer in a relationship, being able to stay overnight somewhere together for the sole purpose of supporting their dd.

Many families manage this. What in God's name do you think is going to happen??? Simply screaming that it's inappropriate doesn't make it so.

Why would OP need to travel with her dp simply to chaperone him? Bizarre.

ChuChuUa · 10/07/2018 15:00

Why would OP need to travel with her dp simply to chaperone him? Bizarre.

Quite.

Teggun · 10/07/2018 15:00

Lovely post @Chocolatelavendar

Being a step parent is an incredibly challenging role. Many, many like you do an amazing job.

OP you may also be a fantastic person in these children's lives. Please don't let insecurities threaten that.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 10/07/2018 15:02

Debbie you are being utterly ridiculous.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 15:02

@Teggun 'Lovely post @Chocolatelavendar . Being a step parent is an incredibly challenging role. Many, many like you do an amazing job.'

O please, just because she agrees with you, she's a fantastic step parent but my 'attitude shrieks selfishness, insecurity and neediness.' How boring.

If only I could be as perfect as all of you hey.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 15:03

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale thank you for your insightful response.