Is it ok?

[Ellis85]

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

The dsc and the ex will get all the support here. But im with you hun and i also know that you cant speak to anyone about it as it sounds selfish so you come here for support not horrible comments.

Oh FFS give me strength. Just read the breastfeeding thread that funinthesun refers to @tictac86. All the support you could possibly want for a SM because the SM was being completely reasonable.

Just because this is the stepparenting board doesn't mean that everyone is going to automatically 'support' the views of every SM that posts.

Is there a derogatory reproductive organ based term for women who think they can butt in and make demands just because they are there 'now'?

I don’t know is there? Stepmothers get called names all the time so I’m sure you’ll find something to suffice that will be insulting enough. Men get called Dicks and get told to grow some balls.

This group always supports the sc and ex. You can support others even if you dont agree with things by offeri g advice or a friendly ear to relieve them of there stresses even if unreasonable

I've got no interest in calling any woman derogatory names. You are the one who defended the term.

This group always supports the sc and ex.
Which group?

To be fair it is a bit of an unpleasant term. I was just repeating it because I had heard of it on here a few times and didn’t know what else to use to make the point.

I still stand by that men a freely called dicks/dickheads/twats/cunts etc... and nobody really bats an eyelid at that.

I was just repeating it because I had heard of it on here a few times and didn’t know what else to use to make the point.

This is my issue @funinthesun18. Why would you need any derogatory term for a specific group of women to 'make a point' ? If there is a point to be made about a particular issue, then make state the relevant facts. Using a generic shortcut is lazy, inaccurate and perpetuates negative stereotypes. All massively unhelpful.

I still stand by that men a freely called dicks/dickheads/twats/cunts etc

This is name calling. The debate about whether those terms in themselves are offensive is a different debate from choosing one anatomical insult to describe a subset of women.

That thread was a perfect example of one woman thinking she has control of another woman just because she was there “first
Only those who think they are under threat would see is as themselves being controlled in such a situation.There is a difference about not caring about the feelings of someone who means nothing to you and controlling them.

Should the mother's wishes come first? Someone who has carried the child, look after them for 9 years, has most likely given up a lot for them and will always continue to do so no matter what come before someone who has been around the child for less than two years and who would their relationship with the father end probably move on and never care to see that child again? Surely the answer is obvious?

To group a set of women together and assign characteristics to them as a whole just creates a problem where there might not be one.
To assume all ex's are controlling and jealous or all stepmothers are out to try and take over does the vast majority of both groups a huge disservice. It also sets up a battle before there even is one.

Yes some ex's behave badly, as do some stepmothers, some men and indeed some children but that just isn't true of the vast majority.

If the adults can work together to create an environment that is healthy and happy for the child they should do so. This thread highlights it perfectly, the op has mentioned she normally gets on well with the mother which suggests effort has been made on both sides to enable this.

On this one very important issue the op's partner is respecting his ex's request - this will mean a great deal to her at a difficult time and may well be remembered by her in the future when they want to ask something of her.

A little give and take from both sides instead of automatically thinking the worst is in everybody's best interests.

People are very quick to try and whip up support with emotive language, name calling etc but if everyone just calmed the hell down and got on with it they'd all be much happier!

This group always supports the sc and ex.

No. Some posts are 100% in support of the stepmum. There's a recent one asking what people think about various scenarios and the mum in that post is a total and utter cf.

My personal experience of reading this forum is that a massive proportion of the problems on this forum are the fault of the Dad. Some of the stepmums see that as an attack on them when it's not intended that way as we are strangers who see dad and stepmum as 2 adults rather than a single unit.

There's also a big chunk of problems caused by the mum or both of the parents.

Personally I think it's far more unusual for people to 100% criticize the stepmum than for people to see things from different points of view so the support is mixed.

Yeah I'm afraid if this was my dd I'd be like the wife. And at the moment, your feelings probably don't register on the list of priorities at all, and quite rightly, their child is ill and needs them. It's not personal op.

I do totally understand the sting of your DP going off to an appointment / event with ex and the kids but this situation must be so stressful for the parents of the poor DC that I really can't imagine your feelings are much of a factor to them at the moment.

It hurts but this is what comes with having a relationship with a man with children. If he's a good man his DC will come first and sometimes that means respecting the wishes of his ExW in order to keep peace.

I really wouldn't bring this up with your DP. To make him feel guilty at what I imagine is one of the most worrying & stressful times of his life wouldn't be okay.

OP.

I think some of the posts on here are a little harsh, as it is clear that you really care for your DP's DC's and given the amount of time they spend with you, wanting to be there is very natural on your part. Your feelings are completely ok.

What I will say is that I cannot even begin to imagine what the stress of this is like. One of my DC had to have a very minor standard operation about 6 months ago and I can honestly say, standing in that room watching a child be brave and watching them go into sedation is quite honestly one of the toughest experiences of my life. I didn't relax until the DC was out of recovery and awake and eating. Your DP is quite possibly going through one of the most stressful experiences of his life.

I too had been with my DP by that point a substantial amount of time and he spends lots of time with my DC. The people at the hospital with my DC was myself and my ExH. Not my DP. I wouldn't have thought of asking him to be there and he wouldn't have asked to be there. It's about the DC and thats it. That's where the focus goes and its completely understandable I think for your DP and his EW.

I think that the greatest challenge for stepparents is learning where the boundaries are. Your job as a stepparent is to learn that your primary concern is your DP and your relationship with him IMO. And if the best mode of support in this situation is for you to step away, let him know you are there for him, check in and give him the space to handle this with his EXW, then that is what you need to do. I get that it may not be easy, but its what you need to learn to do if I am honest with you.

My DP has been to many GP/ Hospital/ school appointments with his EXW. Unless he explicitly tells me he needs my support, I have no need / inclination to attend. Ultimately, you have the difficult challenge of balancing loving and caring for his DC, but recognising that you have no 'parental' role when it comes to things of this seriousness.

Any decisions made in that hospital would be between your DP and his EW.

@TooSassy

That was a very good and balanced post.