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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it ok?

265 replies

Ellis85 · 10/07/2018 09:08

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 13:06

Why should she sleep in a hotel if the sister is happy to put her up? What is the issue?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 10/07/2018 13:09

Why a hotel? Confused what do you actually think is going to happen with them sleeping under the same roof, in different rooms, where they have a sick child, a SIL and probably her family too!

scottishdiem · 10/07/2018 13:11

You have my sympathy OP. You can put in so much effort to be good with your partners children, help maintain a balance for them and support any medical issues and then run smack bang into the wall of FUCK OFF BITCH from the childs mother.

I would try not to take it too personally. When a child is properly ill, parents are always the first to loose their civility. Stress does that.

Just be available if needed, provide support if required but recognize that no matter how much you have tried you will always be the BITCH (just fuck off will you!) to the childs mother. Its unfortunate but that is life.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 13:11

@MrMeSeeks perfectly able to deal with the responses, doesn't mean I have to agree with them.

What I see here is an OP who needs advice and support in what is a difficult time for HER. Whilst we all obviously understand how horrific this is for the child and parents this isn't what the post is about.

In regards to the family comment whether you all like it or not, they are no longer a family unit. Yes, a mother is still family as is a father, but as a unit it is broken.

Unless you have deal with some of the issues us step mums have with our partners exes trying to dictate, interfere, ruin our relationships with both partners and the children then you might not realise why a journey and night together is highly inappropriate and unreasonable.

I know full well my partners ex would also agree with this - probably the only thing we would ever agree on. But perhaps before I was a step mum I might have agreed with the majority here, but I would have gone about replying in a far less critical way.

starfishmummy · 10/07/2018 13:14

I agree Luna. It's a practical solution in the circumstances.

Additionally the hospital isn't going to want extra people there. Apart from the usual visiting times unlimited access is normally restricted to the child's parents. In some situations it may be a parent and one other (e.g. grandparent) but not a while entourage.

funinthesun18 · 10/07/2018 13:17

The mother and father decided not to be a fmaily anymore when they separated

Speaking as a person whose parents split when I was 11, I agree. Of course my parents will always be MY family, but I am part of two separate families now not one. My parents have their own lives and have moved on from each other, and to say we are all still a family is a bit silly. I got this concept when I was 11.

The original family is gone. Same thing applies regarding my dsc’s parents.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 13:18

@lunar 'The only feelings that matter in this are the little girl who is having heart surgery. If it made her feel better to have her parents with her during that time then that's what she should get.'

Of course it's not. OP is a human too and has feelings. The child will have both her parents by her bedside, the one thing every single poster here agrees on.

But does that mean that OP's feelings aren't important? We are looking for solutions that help her to feel better without affecting the child in any way negatively. Perhaps your post should have read 'the most important feelings here are....' not ' the only'.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 13:19

Thank you @funinthesun18 ... might step child has got it age 4. And not once did I shove it down her throat either, she decided that's how things were and she is correct.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 13:29

@LunaTrap "Why should she sleep in a hotel if the sister is happy to put her up? What is the issue?"

Would you be comfortable with your ex staying over night with your partner? With you at home alone? No. Because there is a child involved makes it no less inappropriate. In a blended family others have to be considered also otherwise the relationship CANNOT work. The child will be looked after, the child will have both her parents. There is no need to stay in the same house, whether it be for convenience/practicalities whatever you want to call it. It is inappropriate and unreasonable to expect OP to be ok with it. No wonder so many step-families end in divorce and stepmothers with mental health issues if this is the sort of backlash they're up against.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 13:33

Well I doubt they are sharing a room. If I trusted my partner I wouldn't care, if I didn't trust him then there are bigger problems to deal with. I can't imagine thinking it was okay to disrupt the arrangements of worried parents or demand that they change things for my benefit. I also think the term 'stepparent' is devalued if it comes to mean 'anyone in a relationship with a parent, no matter the length.'

MinorRSole · 10/07/2018 13:34

Threads like this make me very grateful for my own stepmother. She treated us well but happily took a back seat when needed so my dps could parent together. My dps would attend plenty together when necessary, were able to sleep under the same roof without jumping into the same bed. Dsm wasn't threatened by anything that involved us.

There was a rather harsh post upthread saying that mums were threatened by step mums but the opposite is coming across here and I've seen it a few times - step mums trying to assert their place at all costs.

I don't have an axe to grind, my dc don't have a step mum but I do so purely from a "child's" perspective - the best way to be a good step mum is to lose the ego and back off.

smudgedlipstick · 10/07/2018 13:38

But she isn't a step parent, she's been in the dads life less than two years. To feel so pushed out and upset is mad, it's not really anything to do with her. She needs to reevaluate her position in the situation if she is feeling this upset about the situation

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/07/2018 13:39

The stepmum, OH and child are a family now, not the mother

So the mother should just fuck off then? Her child’s health is not her business? Only family matters, eh?

Jesus fucking wept.

smudgedlipstick · 10/07/2018 13:40

MinorRsole this is spot on, I have step parents and they both have both been respectful in the way you describe - it's how it should be

ICanOnlyLaugh · 10/07/2018 13:41

The thing is ICanOnlyLaugh that if your parents are divorced your family is BROKEN. Yes individually you still have your mother and your father but as a UNIT they no longer exist.

@whitecat1704 I find the 'BROKEN' a bit offensive TBH but that's by the by.

My parents always presented a united front to my sister and me. They were no longer together in a romantic sense but they were always very much united as our parents.

The same thing at our weddings and when they became grandparents. They are not a couple and have not been for many (many) years, but they are our mother and father, the one and only.

(I agree that none of this is the stepparents' fault. All the stepparents I know love their stepkids unconditionally. That means realising that the child always comes first. I think the OP sees it that way too, but that doesn't mean she's not allowed to feel hurt and worried about the whole situation. I think the OP has dealt with it really well, by venting here rather than making a scene IRL.)

ChuChuUa · 10/07/2018 13:43

That's right ... step mothers are a threat to you! You've been replaced by a new wife .. and you are scared this woman will become more important to your children then you!

Eh? I am a stepmum and I think this sounds like bollocks.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 13:44

@ohreallyohreallyoh you've picked out one sentence completely out of context and jumped on it. In fact, I can't even be bothered to reply to you.

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 13:48

@MinorRSole 'Threads like this make me very grateful for my own stepmother. She treated us well but happily took a back seat when needed so my dps could parent together. '

As do many of us! And I'm sure your stepmum had these feelings at some point and would have sought advice/help somewhere to deal with them. OP has done the right thing by coming on here to vent her PERFECTLY REASONABLE feelings and shouldn't be made to feel like she is selfish or that she doesn't matter. I hope to god some of you don't become step parents in the future if this is your outlook on things.

WhiteCat1704 · 10/07/2018 13:58

Would you be comfortable with your ex staying over night with your partner? With you at home alone? No. Because there is a child involved makes it no less inappropriate.

This.

MinorRSole · 10/07/2018 13:59

She really wouldn't have needed advice, that's not her style. She's been my dsm for longer than my own parents were married. She is strong, independent and secure in herself and it showed.

The op is hurt that her partner didn't "stand up for her". I don't think those feelings are actually reasonable. She doesn't need someone to stand up for her. There is a 9 year old having heart surgery - she deserves her fathers full attention. Op is a grown woman, I really find this 'what about me' attitude pretty peculiar in adults.

smudgedlipstick · 10/07/2018 14:02

She said she feels betrayed by her partner for not sticking up for her 🤨 a reasonable response would be to sadness that the child is going through this and to be there as much for her partner as she can be

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 14:06

@WhiteCat1704 I feel we are fighting a losing battle with this one.

LunaTrap · 10/07/2018 14:08

Can someone please explain what is inappropriate about two co-parents spending the night at a family member's house whilst their child undergoes heart surgery? I genuinely don't get it.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/07/2018 14:09

I think the most important person in all of this is that little girl who is probably terrified at the prospect of having an operation on her heart. I can imagine she wants her mum and dad there with her before the surgery, the night before she will probably be worried and find it hard to sleep and having her mum and dad with her will help her. They need to concentrate on their child.

Does mum have a new partner? Is he going?

DebbieDay888 · 10/07/2018 14:11

@LunaTrap ok I don't think you ever will then. One day, if you ever become a stepmother you might, but I don't think there's anything any of us could say to make you understand this one.