Is it ok?

[Ellis85]

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

Golden uterus is nasty misogynistic bullshit.

Thanks Luna I had no idea it was an actual term! I just looked it up.
Fuck off trooperlooperdo I thought you were making up your own insult but no, you chose to use a vile phrase which is designed to demean women.

Your posts are weirdly angry and bear no relevance to the OP's situation.

I didn't realise it was an actual term either! Very fathers4justice but I still think it's an utterly ridiculous phrase

I don't see why anyone other than the child's parents need to be present.

As for having the Ex OW there ad a pp said upthread ... I find it unecessary to distress the mother while her DC is about to have surgery. Why would any person... even an OW wish to insert herself in such a situation.

Surely... a child having their mother in the best emotion al state is very important.

It seems the OP has probably realised it's not about her after all these posts.

Troopers why do you hate mothers?
Golden fucking uterus is disgusting.
It shows exactly what kind of person you, and the other sm that use it.

sorry but if my child was going for heart surgery, I wouldn't want her dads gf of a year there.

but claiming golden uterus and throwing a tantrum

God awful way to diminish a woman's natural feelings and concerns about her child undergoing a serious operation! Shame on you.

I don't care how you left your ex's girlfriend into say hello or whatever. Bully for you. Glad it worked out for you. Does that mean it will work out for the kid in the OP"s post?

Does everyone else have to follow what YOU do now??? Who died and made you king of anything?

My little ds had a ga operation. It felt like my life was on the line and it took ages. Much longer than they said. It scared the absolute shit out out of me. There is no way you could feel like that if it wasn't your child. He has more ops coming up. Doing well now. You can't envy a mum in that situation.

I think there's more issues in op's post than just the surgery.

However, ime, my DD had a minor procedure under anaesthesia and I was a wreck. I ran every possibility around in my head, and also had to take asshole phone calls at the same time. I remember really snapping at some call centre guy because he rang back twice. So from that pov, I understand where the ex is coming from. This is not a social occasion.

Having said that, DPS DC have a lot of appointments, most are minor, but as his ex is high conflict, he prefers that I 'come with him'. As in, I'll be in the town, shopping or whatever, but not in, outside or near the actual appointment. He can also call me or text if he needs to. It makes him feel more able to deal with her. And in my circumstances, that is much more important to me than what she wants.

If we were in a place without conflict, and one of the dcs was having surgery, and she asked that I stayed away, then obviously, I would. But as others have said I may offer some practical help. Not to watch the other DC, as it would make it much more unusual for the sibling left at home, but maybe something like making a lasagne so dinners sorted when they come back from the hospital, or getting some books, magazines, etc for the DC as recovery is boring regardless of how long it's supposed to be.

trooperlooperdo, it doesn't look like you can compare your situation to OP. For one, you said that your DS came to visit and when he did so, he brought his girlfriend and the last thing lasted 20 minutes.

In the case of the OP, the father, unlike your ex, is not just there to visit but to be fully involved, which is how a father should be. OP would therefore had not been visiting but would have been there the whole time, and that's what makes the whole difference. Are you saying that you really wouldn't have minded if your ex new girlfriend had been there the entire time, so that either you'd have to have been gone yourself through the key stages, or you would have had to deal with her there the entire time?

If OP had written that she'd intended to drive herself there the following day to visit for 20 minutes, I expect the responses would have been different.

I've read original post but skimmed rest. What does the child want? My stepdaughter asked me to go to her hospital appointments but I said it was for mummy n daddy this time but if she wanted me to go in the future we would try and sort it for her. Bit wishy washy but most important thing is the child here. What they wants and will relax them most is the most important thing as she is one having surgery, which can be frightening

So the only persons feelings thay shouldn't be respected and acted upon is the DM whose child is having the operation?

Im a step mum and a mum, my feelings and wishes matter when i have both hats on. What they dont do is ride rough shot over my step kids mums wishes.

The OP had been specifically told that she shouldnt go. Understandably her feeling were hurt. But what indont understand is the posters then turning this in to a trust issue as though they were just going away for the evening together for the fun of it.

A child was going under GA, as a parent every scenario whould be going through my head and id want to spend as much time with my child as possible. To be suspicious of the DF for wanting to do this shows a gigantic lack of understanding and empathy.

And as for the golden uterus comment. My seven year old even understands peoole use name calling as a way to deflect negative feelings and insecurities. Ehat a miserable life it must be to have to cime on a forum and slate a whole section of society (mums) because you've had a negative experience from ONE woman.

My ExH is a narc who still abuses, but im intelligent enough to realise he is an individual. Thats my story and i dont use it as a way to push my personal exoerience on to all ex partners.

Troops i suggest counselling.

I apologise ohreally, I wrongly attributed something ti you. Sorry if I caused any upset.

@trooperlooperdo You are totally projecting your own situation.
The child was in hospital overnight.
The OP says that the parents are amicable and she's hung out with the mum too.
Mum said she'd "prefer" OP not to come. No tantrums were thrown.

Golden Uterus is a disgusting and unfair term to use. The Dad has the child 50/50 and it sounds like the situation is best for the child all round. (Dad's sister inviting mum round overnight etc)

Golden uterus is nasty misogynistic bullshit.

Sometimes it is very relevant and I find it very apt for a lot of threads I see on here. Like on the thread about breastfeeding over on Aibu.

Not for the one in this thread though, before I get eaten alive.. 🙄

It is never relevant to refer to women as body parts. Call them nasty, selfish, whatever. Golden uterus is grim and some of the stuff online about it is pure misogyny.

I mean it isn't even saying 'women with golden uterus syndrome' which would be bad enough. It is literally calling women uteruses- ie troopers 'all you golden uteruses'. How dehumanising is that.

Two weeks after I had DC3, (who had spent a week in NICU with sepsis) my eldest D.C. was hospitalised with a UTI and a temp of over forty. My ex and I spent 2 nights with her. Because she wanted us both there. Did my (now ExH) kick off? No. My child was scared and wanted both of her parents there 24/7. I had my breastfed newborn with me too. ExH looked after mine and ExDOs youngest child for those 2 days too.

Weird? Don’t really think so tbh. It’s called being an adult.

Sometimes it is very relevant and I find it very apt for a lot of threads I see on here. Like on the thread about breastfeeding over on Aibu.

In my opinion @funinthesun18 it is never relevant and never acceptable.

Using derogatory labels for specific groups of people is the tactic of bigots. It homogenises a group of individuals into a single negative descriptor. It dehumanises the individuals and encourages a lack of empathy and understanding of each unique situation. It becomes a short-cut for generalised negative steroptyping. The 'sins' of one member of the group become the 'sins' of them all.

The thread you referred to did not need the use of this offensive term. The feedback was as far as I remember wholeheartedly in support of the breastfeeding SM. However, if the 'golden uterus' term had been applied, the next thread that mentioned the same term would trigger in some posters an association with the exw of that thread. If two women are referred to by the same description then maybe they have the same views etc. The negativity is compounded.

Using the term 'Golden Uterus' is as objectionable in my view as it would be to use a generic term for childless step mothers that involved their reproductive status or anatomy.

That thread was a perfect example of one woman thinking she has control of another woman just because she was there “first”. Ok so golden uterus might not be very pleasant but it makes the point.

Ok so what about stepmothers like a few on this thread who have said they wouldn't tolerate their partner travelling with the ex or staying over in the same building? And who state that they would also travel up and remain nearby regardless of the ex's wishes? Is there a derogatory reproductive organ based term for women who think they can butt in and make demands just because they are there 'now'? Or are they just reserved for ex wives?

Or indeed, a very good example of a woman attempting to control another by virtue of having had a relationship with the same man.

The dsc and the ex will get all the support here. But im with you hun and i also know that you cant speak to anyone about it as it sounds selfish so you come here for support not horrible comments. Its done now and you can support her in different ways xx

That thread was a perfect example of one woman thinking she has control of another woman just because she was there “first”. Ok so golden uterus might not be very pleasant but it makes the point

All that was required on that thread was to state whether or not the woman's behaviour was deemed to be reasonable or unreasonable.

Calling the behaviour or indeed the woman herself, a title of "Golden Uterus" cannot be justified.

You say her attitude is because she was there "first". That's one opinion. Neither you nor I know what the exw's reasons were. You have made a totally subjective judgement and then added it to the gross generic insult. Bigotry.